Days Of Future Passed

January 20, 2009

Washington DC

6:13AM  Blair House: The Obamas wake and begin getting ready for the big day.

6:17AM The White House: A still drunk George Bush stumbles up the stairs from the situation room after an all night "pardon-a-thon" party with Dick and Condi. Laura frowns in disgust as she scolds him to hurry up and shave and shower before the Obamas arrive.

6:46AM A neighborhood  in northwest DC: Don Rumsfeld  has a short phone conversation with Dick Cheney: DC: " Rummy its Dickster". DR: "Did numb nuts sign it?" DC: " it took 6 Margaritas and a titty flash from Condi, buts its done" DR: " By Jimminy!!!" DC: "Whatever." DR:" What about Perle?" DC:"Ahh fuck him"

7:04AM Woodbridge VA: Pat Buchanan pulls on his sport coat and heads down the hall past full size portraits of Nixon, Kissinger, and Gobbels. Buchanan wonders what Rachel Maddow looks like naked, and if we wouldn't all be so fucked if those silly Jews in Boca had figured out the butterfly ballot in 2000.

7:30AM The White House Driveway: Wolf Blitzer prepares for his first stand up of the day by puffing a fat one behind the CBS satellite truck. Tom Brokaw sees Wolf with the doobie, and attempts to say: "Hey Blitzer don't bogart that spliff.." but becomes so tongue tied that Secret Service agents assume he is having a seizure, and call for Paramedics.

8:09AM Union Station Mens Room: Bill O'Reilly sits down in stall number 4 after a long train ride from New York. He hears a foot tapping and looks over to see a hand motioning under the stall divider. The hot tempered O'Reilly slams his briefcase into the hand causing a loud scream as the toe tapper flees the rest room.

9:15AM C-SPAN Studios: Host Brian  Lamb says: "Go ahead caller.." and the 14th Howard Stern "Stuttering John" prankster makes it to air. Unknown to Brian or the C-SPAN viewers is the fact that seven of those calls were made by Todd Palin, and three by his wife Sarah who is currenty spread out over a chaise lounge chair in her suite at the Willard Hotel being 'room serviced' by a Mexican houseboy named Raoul.

11:02AM The US Capitol: Barack Obama takes the oath and becomes the 44th President of the US. In the VIP seats, Idaho Senator Larry Craig nurses a very sore hand.

11:03AM: Somewhere Thomas Jefferson smiles.