Slouching Toward Denver

As we stumble into a cable convention coverage overdose: here is a semi insiders guide to watching the chattering classes on the Tee Vee Machine:

1. In reality, Wolf Blitzer is  a four foot six inch tall  ferret made to perform 18 hours a day for cheese and sunflower seeds.

2. Everyone else at CNN is gay. Really. I mean really fucking gay. Including Larry Queen.

3.  Al Gore is a 3D hologram controlled by Ed Asner  and Ed Beggly Jr. from the basement of an"eco- friendly" coffee shop in La Jolla.

4. Charlie Gibson is 87 years old and is rolled onto the set in a shopping cart. The only thing that keeps him awake on the air is an IV drip of epinephrine.

5. Mitt Romney in real "life", is a 7 foot tall vampire, and was the original inspiration for the fictional blood sucker Lessat. I'm not kidding.  Ask Ann Rice. 

7.  Chris Matthew's never wears pants on the set. Nine floor directors have quit since March, when Chris calls them over during commercial breaks to"check out this hardball ".

8. The entire "Fox News" team are evil robots from another planet. Oh sure they'll deny it. What do you expect them to say? But they are. All of them. They never eat, sleep, or show any human emotion. Watch them closely. You'll see.

9. Calling John McCain a puppet is NOT a political metaphor. It's literally true. Its the same guy inside the McCain suit that does Oscar on Sesame Street.

10. Joe Biden will be drunk the whole time and five to one he says something in his speech about having Katie Couric sit on his face. The guy is  a fucking beast with his load on.