Dubya Gets An Early Start On Retirement

Wildlife officials said a rhesus monkey known to throw feces when mad is on the loose in Tampa Bay. Authorities have been trying to capture the primate since Tuesday afternoon, but it managed to evade a bucket truck and tranquilizer dart.
Gary Morse with the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission says the adult male is thought to have escaped from an unlicensed source. It was last seen in Clearwater.
The monkey is not considered dangerous.

The Final Frontier

I don't often write about calls we run, but every now and then I feel compelled. We ran an MO the other night, and without violating the guys privacy rights, let me give the gist of his story:

He went to bed about midnight because he was "sleepy". At some point after this he was "made unconscious" by someone or something from outer space. During his "unconscious time", the gentleman believed that the aforementioned person / or entity, applied some "grease" to his "anus region". The fellow was at pains to point out to us the he is "not gay, nor interested in any gay type things". The alleged (I say alleged, because my partner and I politely declined to perform an examination of the "greasy" area) anal grease was still present we were told, though the fellow denied that the intruder, shall we say; intruded any further. Our patient did explain that this has been happening quite often, and felt that the police department was "maybe not taking me seriously". Mr "X' was unable to offer any clue as to the possible origin of the "space invaders" ( my pun), though he did not dispute my conjecture that a space traveler from the planet Astroglide did this to him. My partner suggested some connection with Uranus, while I offered that I was pretty sure we could nail the point of origin down to somewhere in the KY star system.

We transported our patient to a local emergency room,where we suggested he might benefit from a probing examination; though not in a gay way. I suggested that he try sleeping with a guard dog as I do, pointing out that in over 7 years of sharing my bed with my pooch, my naughty place has yet to wake up greasy.

Thought For The Day

Let nothing disturb you,
Let nothing frighten you, 
All things are passing away:
God never changes.
Patience obtains all things.
Whoever has God lacks nothing;
God alone suffices.

Brownie points if you know the author.

Look Back In Anger.......

Advance Copy Of George Bush's Final Speech From The Oval Office:

My fellow Americanos. Four score and umm, a few Corona's ago, my fore daddy helped me move into this ovalified office. I don't have to tell you it's been a bit of a bumpy ride, or as we say in Texas: a complete cluster fuck. I just wanted to speechify for a second herewith to say: whoops, my bad. I know the whole war plan thing didn't quite turn out like the Winston-Salem Churchill great leader thing that the Dickster told me it would, and I know that this whole real-e-oh -state situation sucks the big kahuna; but I'm pretty sure most of that wasn't really my fault. The truth is that I have been drunk on my ass the last 8 years, so I don't think it's fair to blame a feller for stuff that happened while he was driving the porcelain F-150. Hell, I was fucked up so bad during that whole Katrina thing that Laura locked me in the barn down in Crawford for 4 days, and by the time I came to, a whole bunch of folks were floating tits up down Canal street. And as far as Wall Street goes, hell, I was more interested in dining at the Condi Y, than worrying about which rich shit bag friend of Poppy's was busy ripping off beacoup bucks from his Dow Jones pals. I guess it turns you all took it up the old Hersey highway on that deal..so again my other Americanskis... whoopsie.

Well I guess it's time to concludeify, so let me just say its been an honor being your El Preisdente, and now Laura and I plan to slink back to Dallas and do some serious drinking. Good luck to the Obama dude, God Bless, and hello Jose Curevo!

I Read The News Today Oh Boy

From the Interwebs:

JACKSON, Ohio — Police say an angry 4-year-old Ohio boy grabbed a gun from a closet and shot his baby sitter. Nathan Beavers, 18, was hospitalized Sunday with minor wounds to his arm and side after the shotgun attack. Police say another teen was also injured.
Witnesses told police the child was angry because Beavers accidentally stepped on his foot. Beavers was watching the child at a mobile home in Jackson with several other teenagers and several other children.

With this in mind, here are some more headlines we are likley to see:

Five Year Old Guns Down Sister After She Calls Him "Poopy Head".

Toddler Opens Fire After Mom Sends Him To "Time Out".

Pre Schooler Defends Shooting Rampage: " Big Purple Dinosour Told Me To Kill".

Kindergarten Killer Blows Away Mall Santa: "He Didn't Bring Me A Wi".

Dick Cheney Shoot Another Guy In The Face " Ah Fuck 'Em".

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

From Salon:

Another President Bush?

Perhaps so, says former President George H.W. Bush, who has already seen one son, George W., serve in the Oval Office. The nation's 41st president said Sunday that he would like to see a second son, Jeb, be president one day.

Jeb Bush is the current president's younger brother and a former popular governor of Florida. He is mulling a run for Senate seat being vacated by Sen. Mel Martinez, R-Fla.

Asked in a broadcast interview about Jeb Bush's consideration of the Senate seat, Bush 41 said: "I'd like to see him run. I'd like to see him be president someday."

When asked if he was serious, he said: "Or maybe senator. Whatever. Yes, I would. I mean, right now is probably a bad time, because we've had enough Bushes in there. But no, I would. And I think he's as qualified and able as anyone I know on the political scene. Now, you've got to discount that. He's my son."

The Secret History Of Dogs (Happy New Year)

I was walking with my dog Kennedy the other day, when we heard the faint sound of a child crying from the window of a house we were passing. Kennedy reacted like he always does when he sees children, by beginning to whimper  and wanting to investigate. My big fella loves little kids, and we have figured out that before we got him as a rescue dog , he must have been around children. I don't think I am being anthropomorphic when I say that I can see sadness and loss in his eyes when he hears a child's cry. Dog, cats, all God's creation I think; are capable of love and therefore grief and longing. My friend Kennedy speaks in his own language, has his own history, and contains his own wonderful secrets. My hope  for this new year is that I remember more often to listen to all those voices around me that speak more quietly than my own. The streets and pathways outside my door are filled with a thousand secret stories, just waiting to be read. And perhaps among the dogs and flowers lies the beginning of wisdom.

Happy New Year from Kennedy and me.