The Derby Gets Rained Out, Lyndon Explains It All, And I Try The Methodist Diet

The last couple of days at the fair consisted of dust bowl like heat conditions followed by biblical monsoons and Woodstock anniversary mud puddles. Sweltering in the heat I realized that some genius in the "planing" department ( these guys are to the concept of 'planing' as the Detroit Lions are to the concept of 'winning') decided that the nice shady part of our worksite would be the perfect place to put the air-conditioned 'command' trailer; while the open front tents for doing public outreach could sit directly exposed to the mid day sun and heat. Bosses sit in the air-conditioned shade while workers and the taxpayers sweat their corn dog swollen sweaty balls off. Where's Karl Marx when you need him?

Friday night the skies opened just as the Demolition Derby was getting underway... causing several thousand 'sports fans' ( the Demo Derby is a 'sport' just like Thomas Kincade is an 'artist') to run for their lives and seek cover under the bleachers. Some of these die hards waited a couple of hours in the rain hoping to see some crash for clunkers before heading back home to their trailer parks. If I seem to have an attitude about "Derby Fans" ... .maybe it's because I've seen these people up close. Three hundred pounds, bad teeth, mullets, Skynrd tee shirts, and a 249 ounce big gulp (and that' just grandma). Let me put it this way: Demolition Derby fans make NASCAR aficionados look like an opening night crowd at the Bolshoi..... Yikes.....

My neighbor Lyndon explained all this to me the other day : " We just don't have no good Monster Trucks around here... you gotta go to the midwest to see that. Them folks know what's what with a big ass loud monster fucking truck.." The man has a point... my home-state of Michigan may have the economic outlook of a Kosher Deli in Kandahar.... but we sure as holy jumping fucking Jesus can make a pickup truck that's 35 feet tall and loud enough to make the Virgin Mary herself shit her drawers every-time that bad boy steps on the gas. Whoo wee!

Speaking of gastrointestinal disorders... I've spent the last nine days eating hot dogs and cole slaw from the Bethesda Methodist 'pavilion' . This seems to be pretty much a low rent version of the Hollywood Detox diets... I don't think it's done me any good from a heath stand point ... but at least I've had a chance to see that most endangered of species up close: The Bethesda Methodist. They can normally be identified in the field by their pink Izod golf shirts, and exceedingly dour expressions. In over a week of dealing with the same guy at the counter.....his entire conversation with me consisted of: " Here's your dog... (grunt)". Good PR Meth-Ohs.... I bet you'll get a lot of sign ups..... maybe even as many as the Strobe Light Wankers down the midway. Now if you'll excuse me, I feel an urgent need to shop for an Izod golf shirt.

Oh Baby Just You Shut You Mouth (Continued)

They are back again. The whacky Church Of The Holy Strobe Light boys and girls at the county fair. Once again they are set up in a tent across from our 'Safety Village" with their China Girl pantomime of whips and matrix costumes, and poses to the tune of Mission Impossible. I think it"s more like "Comprehension Impossible" ...but maybe that's just me. They have a sign that says something about the battle between God and Satan. Kind of like "Paradise Lost' if Milton had been a Chinese teenager who liked to jack off to black and white pictures of Barbara Bain.

Anyway.... they were back at it with endless repeats of the same weird skit..... until today; when the whole troupe of 20 - 30 of them made their way en masse over to our Moon Bounce, only to be disappointed that this 'ride' is only for little kids....not sexy China Dolls involved in heavy spiritual warfare on behalf of the IMF team. I was kinda hoping to see 'em bounce if you know what I mean.. although I'm sure this thought was planted in my brain by Satan.

Later on I wandered down to the food stand (next to the "Goat Barn") to get a hot dog. It turns out that the stand is run by some Methodists from Bethesda, whose idea of customer service consisted of refusing to give my friend her receipt, and insisting that her small coke was in fact a large one. I asked if they expected her to multiply the loaves and colas..but they didn't seem to find that funny at all. Bethesda Methodists are not generally known for their sense of humor. Next time I'm hungry I think I'll just follow the boys and girls from the Hanky Spanky Matrix Church. I don't know if I'll find a good hot dog, but I bet they know where to get some great pics of Barbara Bain.......

Maybe The Yellow Moon

I wake often

In the blue before dawn

Visited by the tender mercies, the sorrowful passions, the glorious mysteries

I see my daughter bent at the dishes... in the summer evening .... grown now

I add up the dead and remember the dying

Then I count the futures that got away.. or maybe still remain

in another place, seen in another light,

Maybe I live in London

Maybe New York

surrounded by children and magic

Maybe I live in California ..

and drink red wine with a blond haired woman each sundown

Maybe there are a thousand lives being lived under my name

under the morning sky,

under the setting sun,

Maybe under the yellow moon.

No Tears In Aisle Three

Back from Detroit over the weekend with random observations, thoughts, and a question or two:

I heard stories everywhere of the economic devastation. Michigan is not just in a recession..it's real damn close to a depression: A Target store cashier breaks into tears and tells my friend that she just got laid off from her full time job and now all she has left is the part time gig that won't make the nut... a woman told me that last week was the slowest week ever at the pool hall/ bar she owns, and when drinking and shooting pool are down in Detroit.. well that's like finding out folks stopped jerking off in San Francisco.... Holy Leading Indicator Batman...

I also noticed far less traffic on the roads than I remember..my friend explained that " people don't have any money to go anywhere...." but almost no cars on 12 mile road on a Saturday night was straight up spooky.....

And then I watch the Tee Vee machine to see a trash mob lady holding a bible up screaming how she doesn't want health care reform... which makes about as much sense as holding up Das Capital by Marx while screaming that you don't like commies...... God these people are extra crunchy stupid ( not to mention irony free). I suspect most of these folks also don't believe in evolution, the scientific method, separation of church and state, and multi-syllabic words.......

Last thing we did was go to a very well attended Moody Blues show... (otherwise known as an AARP rally) ... I sensed a real nostalgia in the crowd not just for the harmonies and great songs of our youth... but for the sense that we could change the world...that we were going to be different somehow, that we would balance our ideals with our ambitions.....yet somehow we ended up with the TV mob people shouting down compassion... isn't life strange indeed

Hate Speech

Thanks to the crack investigative work by our friends in tin hats on the right, we can now sum up what we know about 'President' Obama:

He is NOT an American. He was in fact born on a small planet in the Farakan star system and secretly smuggled in to Kenya where he forged his birth certificate from Hawaii in 1961 at the age of 3 months.

He hates America, and has quietly given the launch codes to Michael Moore, Demi Moore, and Dandy Don. Since our last best hope Sarah Palin quit..this means we are pretty much fucked and Putin will be in Denver by spring.

His 'Health Care' plan is really a a version of old Joe Stalins 1939 plan to kill old people and turn them into Soylent Green style meat patties. McDonalds is already building a huge plant outside Tulsa. Really. You can check it out.

He hates Christians and has a plan to force all of them into slave labor camps in Mexico working for Sonya Sotomayor making frilly underwear for 'wise Latina's".

He plans to tax us all at the rate of 120% and give the money to his homosexual robot overlords.

He hates white people,, White Castle, the White Sox, Barry White, White Rice, White Bread, and Snow White and at least six of her dwarfs.

He is a demon, a devil, an evil doer, and the antichrist. He is WORSE than Bill Clinton, and only Sean, Glen, Rush, and Dick Cheney stand between us and the eternal abyss.

If you believe any of the above, please call me immediately to discuss an exciting real estate opportunity in South Florida......