Top Ten AWOL Excuses Gov Sanford Could Have Tried

10. I was holed up in a Howard Johnson's Motel in Trenton with a bad case of jock itch.

9. I was on a secret NASA mission to Uranus.

8. I was with Dorothy and the Tin man in Oz.

7. I was in line at the DMV.

6. I have no idea where I've been, last thing I remember is doing shots at the airport bar with a hooker named Trixie.

5. I was here all the time, damn it must be that new invisible suit I was wearing...

4. I was detained by the CIA at an undisclosed location.

3. I was banging the shit out of my girlfriend in Argentina... nah just kidding .... Psych!

2. Missing? What do you mean? What day is it? Oh shit where did this blood come from?

1. I was in the bathroom.

Rock & Roll High School ( With Sirens). Joe Jumps Up, Back To The Bolshoi

I went back to duty Friday night after about 4 months off.. and was once again struck by how many young volunteers we have. 17, 18 , 19 year old kids riding fire trucks and ambulances, and most of them doing a damn good job. In a lot of ways the fire house is like hanging out in the parking lot after school...smoking cigarettes, telling bullshit stories, flirting, just acting cool...the difference between these kids and my High School friends is this: we just went home, theses kids hop on trucks and fly down the street with sirens blaring. (All I had that blared was the radio in my '68 Dodge Dart.) All in all a good bunch of kids, and I'm glad to be back.

Saturday night my friend Joe's band was playing down the block so we all went to sit out at the Tiki bar and listen to them play 70's funk and oldies. Sitting with us ( on two seat cushions he brought in a shopping bag) was Joe's 80 something year old Dad. He and I had a nice chat about the Big band era while we watched his sons band play.. In the middle of a song Joe did a little Rod Stewart style leg kick thing and then his dad got a huge grin on his face and said: "Oh look, Joe jumped up". You could tell it was the same pride he had when Joe was a boy and did something right. A sweet moment, and it made me miss my dad. A fathers pride is a wonderful thing.

Sunday we were back at the Kennedy Center for the Bolshoi ballet. I have seen a fair number of companies over the years but no one can touch the Bolshoi for sheer perfection and beauty. Iam more convinced than ever that one can glorify the divine on pointed toe as well as bended knee. Magnificent!

Rock& Roll Whoppers

More Rock & Roll Stories: It was great running into my old pal Steve Kostan in the Dee last week. I haven't seen Steve for years, but seeing him triggered a couple of memories: Once we were driving to a charity basketball gig in some out of the way place when we were both jocking at the old WABX. We were pretty lost and pretty late so we pulled into a 7-11 to ask for directions. As we walked through the door we saw a long line waiting at the counter. Since time was of the essence, Steve immediately announced in a loud voice: " We are DJ's and we need directions". .." He may as well have said " We are from the planet Zontar and we are here to give free rectal probes" if one were to judge based on the puzzled looks we got. We teach junior rescue rangers in the fire department how to use a 'command voice' in an emergency, but nobody has ever done a better job of getting a room to shut the fuck up than Steve did that night.

I met Steve in college at WMU in Kalamazoo, where for a time we both lived off campus in a house with 9 other guys. Steve had a room upstairs, I had a cot next to the washing machine in the basement...and neither of us had any money, so we had to get creative when it came to the pursuit of women. I marvel to this day at the pure genius of the stratagem that Steve came up with: We would go up to the Burger King about 1:30 in the morning when the girls were stopping for a bite after drinking all night in the bars. This was brilliant for three main reasons:

1. The ladies were already drunk.
2. We didn't have to buy them anything more expensive than an order of fries.
3. If we didn't get laid we at least got something to eat.

A year or two later Steve helped me get my first gig at 'ABX, and my very first night on the air a woman named PJ that was totally out of my league and a stone cold drop dead stunner, just dropped by the studio to " hang out". I realized real quick that station 'X' was a thousand times better than Burger King, and being a radio star had a more powerful effect than springing for a Cheese Whopper. Thanks twice Steve, and it was good to see you again.

Flock Of Dingbats : I Ran.... I Ran So Far Away...."

Amazing events in Iran... these folks are very brave, and they remind me that we had two stolen elections in a row in this country and no one took to the streets... most Americans never even noticed. Anyway, in the interest of moving the story forward, here is a brief primer on Iranian politics:

Iran's election is between two main candidates:

The incumbent Mr. Imadinnerjacket best known for dressing like a parking lot attendant and acting like a complete fucking nutbag.

Other dude with a beard who smiles a lot. Iranians seem to think his wife is hot. Americans would only think so if they had not seen a woman for 26 years.

Supreme Leader, Grand Poobah, HAIC ( Head Ayatollah In Charge) : Whacky 'black hatter' with ZZ top beard and big nerd glasses. Think crazy grandpa with nukes.

Council Of Experts: Picks the supreme leader. Membership unclear, but rumored to include Paula Abdul.

Lesser know players:

The Commissioner: Person you must obtain express written permission from.

Council of Wankers: In charge of NHL playoff schedule.

Ayatollah of Rock & Rollah: The potted plant of the flower power generation. Dr. Rockenstien. Big Daddy... Whoops I'm sorry I thought I was back at WRIF.....

Department Of Official Slogans: Responsible for coming up with 'Death To_______" slogan of the day.

Rovian Advice

I have a friend who lives in a small town in a state that I should not identify, but it rhymes with Oh My Oh. My friend is reticent about taking my advice or allowing me to run his campaign for mayor of the small town (which rhymes with Sell More). My friend ( whose name rhymes with Bernie) has "moral scruples". Sigh.... It's not easy being Karl Rove. None the less, I have taken the time to list below some simple Nixonian ideas/statements/tactics that should result in an easy win:

1. " My advisers don't want me to talk about communists, but I'm gonna tell the people the truth.."

2. Campaign sign: " What about the slush fund Mr Mayor?"

3. " I don't care if I win or lose this election, I just want to do Gods will..... so tell me Mr Mayor, why do you hate the baby Jesus?"

4. " My opponent once practiced nepotism with his sister! He Has an uncle who is a registered sexagenarian. His mother was a thespian in high school!"

5. Campaign sign held by a crying pregnant woman outside the mayors office: " Why Mr Mayor? Why?".

6. Campaign sign held by crying cub scout outside mayors office: "Why Mr Mayor? Why?".

7. My opponent tries to hide his diaphoresis on a daily basis.

8. "Is Mayor X a secret muslim? Well of course he will deny it, but these rumors have been around for years and it makes you wonder."

9. Billboard: "Stop The Socialists. Restore American Values :Bernie For Mayor"

10. " God told me to run for mayor..."