Anti-Dentite

Got back this morning from a trip to the periodontist. St James first Law of Dentistry clearly states: Never trust a dentist wearing lots of bling. This guy I saw came close, a bit too much flash for my comfort zone. Anyhow here is what I understood from two hours in the chair today: My bridgework is about as stable as an overpass in Minnesota. This was caused by:

A. All those years with a Winston in my face.
Or
B. The guy who did the caps had some sort of palsy.

The Dr. talked kind of fast, but what I think he said I need to do now is, maybe get a bone graft with porcine, bovine, or cadaver bone, maybe have some steel girders driven into my skull… wait did I just say Porcine??? Cadaver?? Bovine??? In others words my choice is an implant of a pork chop, (not so popular with the folks at Beth Shalom Temple), a cow bone, or the jaw of a dead guy. Holy Jumping Fucking Jesus!! I think I might opt for the cow bone…. But could that give me an uncontrollable urge to graze? Do they list the side effects? And if I go with the dead guy, how do I know it's not the ass bone of some jag off from South Philly?

As my mind was reeling over all this weird science info, the good Herr Doktor was sticking his sharp pointy steel stick into the now bleeding soft tissue of my mouth over and over. Doktor: " well you got some tenderness there…"
NO SHIT DUMBFUCK… and it ain’t getting any less tender with you using my gums for a pincushion.

Somehow it seems the treatment plan boils down to this:
Possible surgery, bone grafts, plates, brain transplants, penile implants, nose jobs, and/or tummy tucks.
OR:
The mouthwash he gave me may do the trick. How in the name of fuck can that be. I either need a set of Baby Back Ribs grafted to my mouth or some super Listerine is just the ticket. Fuck me running.