Stupid Shit I Learned At The Fair

So, after a week of sitting around the county fair with the FD here is what I learned:

1. Never eat from a food stand located next to a barn with a sign that says: Goat Meat Pavilion.

2. People who attend Monster Truck Events are deaf. And stupid. Say what?

3. There are some really, really, really fat motherfuckers in America.

4. If you feel dizzy, and think you are gonna puke after eating 6 corn dogs, 3 elephant ears and a deep fried Oreo before ridding the Zipper 7 times in row...... you DON'T FUCKING NEED EMS! You just need to puke.

5. In the good ol' US of A, you can deep fry ANY FUCKING THING and put it on a stick. Someone will buy it, and eat it. Yummmmmm.

6. The question: " which one is the ladder truck" asked while standing in front of a fully extended 110 foot ladder on Tower 731 (e.g. a fucking ladder truck), indicates you are:

a.) an idiot.
b.) a likely McCain voter.

7. "Mom and Baby Day" at the fair is a target rich environment for MILF lovers. Yeah buddy.

8. The transit departments offer of a "free tour" of a ride on bus, is another great screening tool for morons. I shit you not, these guys were offering "tours" of a bus. My tax dollars at work.

9. Just because I'm old and have a Fire Department uniform on does not make me a "Chief". So please don't call me one when I'm in line for the mens room, though I did appreciate the offer of cuts.

10. Did I mention how many really fat fuckers we have shuffling around in this country?

Oh Baby Just You Shut Your Mouth.....

I have been stuck all week on a detail in the Fire Dept. recruiting tent at the county fair. Ahh the smell of goat shit and funnel cakes... yummy. Anyhow, across the midway from our area is a tent rented by a group of "christians". They seem to be made up of ten or twelve  Chinese teens and one fat Spanish guy. 

What they do is this: over and over and over they play the "Theme From Mission Impossible"  loudly on their PA while doing a violent matrix style pantomime involving trench-coats, whips, and a couple of  hot girls. Meanwhile a strobe light flashes and the oversize Spaniard preaches in barely understandable English. 

After seeing this 8 hours a day  for the last 4 days, I am reminded of St. Paul's famous question to the Corinthians: " What the fuck are you  shit birds thinking?" 

As best I can determine the theological point seems to be that God loves the Mission Impossible Theme (& strobe lights ), therefore you should find a hot China girl, confess your sins in Spanish; and give her a good spanking. 

Oh  I forgot one thing: 

Amen.

The Mark Of The McBeast

McCain ad said to link Obama to antichrist
John ByrnePublished: Friday August 8, 2008


Aide calls ad 'light-hearted'
They call him "The One."
That's the spin from a Web ad launched Aug. 1 by the McCain campaign which some biblical scholars and Democrats say contains a hidden message linking Sen. Barack Obama to the antichrist.
"It shall be known that in 2008 the world will be blessed," the announcer proclaims. Following the pronouncement, images of golden clouds and Moses parting the Red Sea are invoked to make a mockery of Obama's lofty rhetoric.
"And he has anointed himself ready to carry the burden of the one," the announcer intones. "To quote Barack, 'I have become a symbol of America returning to its best traditions.' He can do not wrong... Can you see the light?"
A spokesman for McCain's campaign told the Wall Street Journal Friday, "It's a light-hearted ad that pokes fun at him." He said the ad is only intended to highlight the Illinois senator's "many audacious statements."
Scholars and critics, however, point to startling links between the ad and the popular "Left Behind" Christian End Times series.
Director of the Center for Media, Religion and Culture at the University of Colorado at Boulder Stewart Hoover told the paper the ad's antichrist references weren't subtle for anyone familiar with the books.
Images in the ad closely resemble those used in the latest "Left Behind" novel; the type font is nearly identical. The antichrist in the books, Nicolae Carpathia, sets up "the One World Religion" -- just as the ad repeatedly refers to Obama as "The One."
"For people who want a reason to be skeptical of Obama, this might nail it down," Hoover said.
The Obama campaign has not commented on the spot.
"The End Times, a New Testament reference to the period surrounding the return of Christ, were popularized in recent years by the "Left Behind" series of books that sold more than 63 million copies," the Journal notes. "The Rev. Tim LaHaye, co-author of the series, said in an interview that he recognized allusions to his work in the ad but comparisons between Sen. Obama and the antichrist are incorrect."
"The antichrist isn't going to be an American, so it can't possibly be Obama," LaHaye said. "The Bible makes it clear he will be from an obscure place, like Romania."
The ad has provoked a growing debate on the Internet over whether it is playing with apocalyptic themes. Those ideas are chiefly shared by fundamentalist Protestants and some other evangelical Christians. Among their expectations: the ascension of a false prophet, a one-world government and the Second Coming of Jesus Christ.
"Short of 666, they used every single symbol of the antichrist in this ad," said Eric Sapp, a Democratic advisor who advises Democrats on religious outreach. "There are way too many things to just be coincidence."
Notes the paper: "In some swing states with concentrated pockets of fundamentalists and evangelical Christians, like Ohio, Pennsylvania, Colorado and Virginia, the ads could have particular impact. YEAH AMONG FUCKING MORONS......

I Bet Jesus Would Punch You In The Tit If You Asked Him To Sit In A Stained Seat In 1st Class

HOUSTON — After questioning that touched on religious beliefs, celebrity and the public's perception of preachers and televangelists, a jury was seated Wednesday in a civil lawsuit alleging the wife of nationally known pastor Joel Osteen assaulted a flight attendant.

A jury panel of seven men and five women was set to hear opening statements in the trial on Thursday.

In the lawsuit, Continental Airlines flight attendant Sharon Brown accuses Victoria Osteen of assaulting her before the start of a 2005 flight from Houston to Vail, Colo. Brown alleges Victoria Osteen, co-pastor of Houston's popular Lakewood Church, threw her against a bathroom door and elbowed her in the left breast during an angry outburst over a stain on her first-class seat.

Brown wants an apology and punitive damages amounting to 10 percent of Victoria Osteen's net worth as part of her suit.

Victoria Osteen's lawyer, Rusty Hardin, said before jury selection began Wednesday that Brown's claims are false and that what happened was a "minor incident." Hardin also asked a judge to throw out a federal report detailing the alleged incident.

"This is a very silly case," Hardin told reporters.

Joel Osteen was at his wife's side Wednesday in court. Brown's attorney, Reginald McKamie, said he expected to call the Osteens as witnesses during the trial.

McKamie, said he hopes the trial will show "that celebrity status doesn't take precedence."

I Hope The FD Took The Long Way There

Westboro Baptist Church of Topeka, Kansas, known for its vocal condemnations of homosexuality, website GodHatesFags.com and picketing of gay pride parades and funerals, has sustained thousands of dollars in damage after a fire early Saturday morning. Impromptu protest followed as firefighters carried out their response.

"None of what they do is going to stop us from delivering our message," said church counsel Shirley Phelps-Roper of any "cowards" that would have set the fire on purpose, also saying that it was the "most aggressive act" towards the Phelps family to date.

"There is evidence that hatred of our religion was the motivation, in part at least," states a "Civil Rights Hate Crime Complaint" written by pastor Fred Phelps Sr. to Attorney General Michael Mukasey. In a recently released YouTube presentation, Phelps also blames law enforcement, judges, and the "filthy, fag-riddled military" for what he considers an assault on his First Amendment rights.

Meanwhile, a neighbor is suspicious that the fire is a hoax meant to intimidate her into giving up her property. "They keep claiming that this property is theirs, and it is not theirs," said 91-year-old Leona McQueen. "They keep wanting to buy me, but I don't want to sell it. I don't know if whether they are trying to push me out."

"It's a ridiculous accusation," Phelps-Roper countered. "The fire was started by someone as we slept. Thankfully the lord our god (sic) keeps us in all our ways."

The cause of the fire has not been determined. No picketing signs were harmed.

God Willing? Don't Count On It Bob.....

Just one week after being diagnosed with a brain tumor, Chicago Sun-Times columnist Robert Novak has announced his immediate retirement:
Robert Novak has announced his immediate retirement following the diagnosis of a brain tumor, a prognosis the Sun-Times' political columnist describes as "dire."
"The details are being worked out with the doctors this week, but the tentative plan is for radiation and chemotherapy," Novak said.
Novak has been writing his column since 1963. Last week, following the diagnosis, he said that he planned to be back at work soon, "God willing."

Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

Lets see if I have these news items straight: Exxon made 11 billion last quarter, Dick Cheney wants to use Navy SEALS in a 'canned ham" fake attack to provide a pretext for war with Iran, another 51k got laid off last month, Mac Daddy John Boy thinks that snarky lying Rovian ads will do the job to obscure the giant oil company cock he has firmly up his ass: and the SS Andrea Doria Mitchell is the only MSM reporter willing to call bullshit???????

Holy jumping fucking Jesus! I always figured she was pegging old Farmer Greenjeanspan there..but how 'bout the rest of you fucking punks get a clue if not a set of balls at least as big as hers. That low life mummy Mac Boi is a lying twat, and the future of the country depends on you shits pointing it out. I swear that come the revolution... we need to consider buying some extra rope.............. or least locking these Tee Vee shitbirds in a dark room with nothing but an endless loop of Wolf Blitzer at maximum volume 24/7. Fuck you Charlie Gibson.