My new sister in law Leslie is here from the UK this week. She was asking about USA travel recommendations. Here is my list:
North East:
Boston: Avoid at all costs. Everyone there looks like John Kerry and drinks like Ted Kennedy. Plus clam chowder is NOT one of the 5 basic food groups and will give you the runs.
New York City: Avoid unless you have a death wish and enjoy the smell of urine on every surface. The natives all speak some sort of Spanish/Vietnamese mix, dress like a cross between Woody Allen and Tony Soprano, and bathe every other St. Patricks Day. Plus, the local greeting is "What the fuck are you looking at?".
New Jersey: Fahgitabout it. Really. Think Gary Indiana minus the charm.
Philadelphia: Greasy beef by-products with cheese whiz. Worse than clam chowder. Best avoided. Everything else about the city is worse. Oh and that 'Brotherly Love " thing? Assfucking.
Mid Atlantic:
Washington DC: George Bush has lived here for the last 8 years, and even he can't wait to leave. 178 degrees plus 200%humidity from March to November, followed by three months of ice storms. As Pat Nixon once said: "This town makes my twat itch."
Virgina: Slogan " Virgina Is For Lovers" should be replaced by "Virgina Is For Assholes". Half the state is red neck morons with pictures of Jerry Farwell in their trailers, the other half are coke addled defense contractors jacking off in their BWM's on the George Washington Parkway. If he were alive today, George himself would move to Havana.
The South:
Carolina's: Some say that folks down around these parts are not so smart. Put it this way: if you can find your ass with both hands, these shitbirds will elect you Governor. Good Bar-B-Q doesn't make up for the constant drone of country music comming from Daisy Mae's double wide. Avoid.
Florida: Bugs the size of hamsters, mile after mile of RV's driven by people named "Irv", and a non stop butt fucking festival in Miami ought to be enough to convince you to stay away. But just in case you still feel tempted, two words: Disney World. Hundreds of thousands of fat fucks in shorts from Ohio jammed together to see a sweaty gay man in a mouse costume parade down a fake street in 400 degree heat. (While their fat fuck kids barf on your shoes from too many corn dogs.) Fun in the sun.
Texas: George Bush likes it. Need I say more? Don't ever mention that shithole again. I'm serious.
The Midwest:
Michigan: Closed. No plans to re-open.
Ohio: Flat, cold, devoid of life as we know it. Why do you think these shitheels all went to Florida? Spending more than 45 minutes in Cleveland will make you want to kill yourself. Plus the drinking water is flammable, and will give you the worst case of the runs since Boston.
Chicago: Hog butcher to my ass. Magnificent Mile of shit. Windy due to the grease they use in their pizza dough. Average Chicagoan is a guy named Nikolas from Athens. He smokes Turkish cigarettes, listens to loud radio static in the cab he drives, smells like garlic and leaves the windows down at 80 MPH on a January night along Lake Michigan. Enjoy.
The West:
Arizona: They used this hellhole to fake lunar landings. Any questions?
Utah: These nut jobs are descendants of Joe Smith and his merry band of 18th century mental cases. Things haven't improved much on the stability scale since. The entire population wears 'Jesus Jammies" under their clothing which seems to make them all spend most of the day scratching their balls and voting for Orin Hatch. Avoid like the plague.
California: What hasn't burned down is populated by Prop 8 enraged queers. The odds of making it through baggage claim without getting savagely butt raped are about 20% according to the CHP. So you gotta ask yourself: "Do you feel lucky? Well do ya punk?".
Alaska: Two words: Sarah Palin. Oh and that Moose Chili? Think Boston, Philly and Cleveland all rolled into one...........
Boston: Avoid at all costs. Everyone there looks like John Kerry and drinks like Ted Kennedy. Plus clam chowder is NOT one of the 5 basic food groups and will give you the runs.
New York City: Avoid unless you have a death wish and enjoy the smell of urine on every surface. The natives all speak some sort of Spanish/Vietnamese mix, dress like a cross between Woody Allen and Tony Soprano, and bathe every other St. Patricks Day. Plus, the local greeting is "What the fuck are you looking at?".
New Jersey: Fahgitabout it. Really. Think Gary Indiana minus the charm.
Philadelphia: Greasy beef by-products with cheese whiz. Worse than clam chowder. Best avoided. Everything else about the city is worse. Oh and that 'Brotherly Love " thing? Assfucking.
Mid Atlantic:
Washington DC: George Bush has lived here for the last 8 years, and even he can't wait to leave. 178 degrees plus 200%humidity from March to November, followed by three months of ice storms. As Pat Nixon once said: "This town makes my twat itch."
Virgina: Slogan " Virgina Is For Lovers" should be replaced by "Virgina Is For Assholes". Half the state is red neck morons with pictures of Jerry Farwell in their trailers, the other half are coke addled defense contractors jacking off in their BWM's on the George Washington Parkway. If he were alive today, George himself would move to Havana.
The South:
Carolina's: Some say that folks down around these parts are not so smart. Put it this way: if you can find your ass with both hands, these shitbirds will elect you Governor. Good Bar-B-Q doesn't make up for the constant drone of country music comming from Daisy Mae's double wide. Avoid.
Florida: Bugs the size of hamsters, mile after mile of RV's driven by people named "Irv", and a non stop butt fucking festival in Miami ought to be enough to convince you to stay away. But just in case you still feel tempted, two words: Disney World. Hundreds of thousands of fat fucks in shorts from Ohio jammed together to see a sweaty gay man in a mouse costume parade down a fake street in 400 degree heat. (While their fat fuck kids barf on your shoes from too many corn dogs.) Fun in the sun.
Texas: George Bush likes it. Need I say more? Don't ever mention that shithole again. I'm serious.
The Midwest:
Michigan: Closed. No plans to re-open.
Ohio: Flat, cold, devoid of life as we know it. Why do you think these shitheels all went to Florida? Spending more than 45 minutes in Cleveland will make you want to kill yourself. Plus the drinking water is flammable, and will give you the worst case of the runs since Boston.
Chicago: Hog butcher to my ass. Magnificent Mile of shit. Windy due to the grease they use in their pizza dough. Average Chicagoan is a guy named Nikolas from Athens. He smokes Turkish cigarettes, listens to loud radio static in the cab he drives, smells like garlic and leaves the windows down at 80 MPH on a January night along Lake Michigan. Enjoy.
The West:
Arizona: They used this hellhole to fake lunar landings. Any questions?
Utah: These nut jobs are descendants of Joe Smith and his merry band of 18th century mental cases. Things haven't improved much on the stability scale since. The entire population wears 'Jesus Jammies" under their clothing which seems to make them all spend most of the day scratching their balls and voting for Orin Hatch. Avoid like the plague.
California: What hasn't burned down is populated by Prop 8 enraged queers. The odds of making it through baggage claim without getting savagely butt raped are about 20% according to the CHP. So you gotta ask yourself: "Do you feel lucky? Well do ya punk?".
Alaska: Two words: Sarah Palin. Oh and that Moose Chili? Think Boston, Philly and Cleveland all rolled into one...........
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