Thanksgiving Warmed Over

I hope you all had a good holiday. We were able to go see some friends of the family, and have a nice evening Friday night with pals. Then I seem to have come down with 'flu like symptoms', basically feeling like death warmed over, so between being busy and sick, not much time for posting. A short list of thanks from an aging rock and roller seems in order:

For good health, I'm getting to the age that that I see how lucky I am (this weekend aside) to be in pretty good shape considering my former.... er..umm ... activities.

For family, again I don't think I've done much to deserve such a strong partner, and such a wonderful kid, but I'm grateful. I'm also perfectly happy these days to just have bit of a lie in on a Sunday morning with the cat and dog and the post spread out over the bed. That's a long way from looking for cocktail waitresses to "spread out over the bed".

For friends, I have fewer now than back in the day, but I know the friends I have now will remain so for life, and ask nothing of me. I learned long ago that it was always easy to fill a limo with "friends" as long as I supplied the limo and the blow.

For the chance to be of some use. I am lucky that I get to feel from time to time that I am doing some work that is valuable to others. I never felt that way in the music biz.

And lastly, in the immortal words of Keith Richards: " I'm just happy to be anywhere man...." It's good to alive.

Back To The Future

While cleaning out my closet, I found my old  Acme 9000 Crystal Ball Kit. So I figured, why not dust the thing off, and fire it up. Here is a look ahead:

George W. Bush: 2018: Suffers 10th straight losing season as manager of Waco Texas AAA baseball team "Waco Birdbrains". Fans demand the team fire him.

Joe Lieberman: After landslide defeat in  2010 re-election bid, Joe opens a small kosher massage parlor and pastry shop in Encino. Names shop "Joe's Ho Ho's"

Brian Williams: Forced to resign from NBC News in 2009 after being overheard on an open mic calling Barack Obama " sweet, dark and delicious...", Williams goes on to a successful career as a the understudy to the green witch in the touring company of "Wicked".

Sarah Palin: After an internet lesbian nazi video surfaces in 2011, Palin drops from sight. A team of reporters from the BBC track her down in 2016 living on a turkey farm with her 'partner' Inga.

John McCain: Cryogenically frozen in 2010 in the hopes that someday science will find a cure for baldness.

Wolf Blitzer: Died of 'acute constipation' in 2017.

OJ Simpson: Still in jail.

Dick Cheney: Last seen in 2009 disguised as a Polish dockworker boarding a tramp steamer in Baltimore. Rumors persist that Cheney has set up a Col. Kurtz style compound in a South American jungle.

Hillary Clinton: Elected first woman president of moon colony in 2014.

James Dobson: Undergoes sex change operation in 2013. Changes name to Jane Dobson, and tells reporters they can just " focus on this you bitches" while flashing surgically created vagina.

Karl Rove: Dies in bizarre dildo accident in 2015. Details remain sketchy.

Barack Obama:  2017: First black president to be added to Mount Rushmore.

Jeffersons Good Taste

Casey and I decided to hop in the car and head down to Monticello yesterday morning. I had never been to Mr. Jefferson's house even after 8 years here in DC. Among the things I learned was that Thomas Jefferson loved vanilla ice cream. Somehow the image of a young Jefferson pondering the rights of men, and the future of a nation while slurping a big bowl of ice cream appealed to me. While I suppose all great men have feet of clay; this great man also had a sweet tooth. I think that makes him more real, and for just a moment yesterday in the weak November light on that small Virginia mountaintop.... I could almost hear Tom Jefferson saying: Mmmm.

Dream Team

According to the Tee Vee Machine, The Obama is busy picking his cabinet team. Maybe it was the cheap Aussie Merlot working on me, but I had a dream last night of what his posse could look like:

Sec State: Tony Soprano. Imagine that little shit Imadinnerjacket in Iran when Tony, Paulie Walnuts, and Big Pussy walk in to 'negotiate'. While Puss and Paulie hold him in a headlock, Tony demands he tell us "where the fucking nukes are". That's what I call 'using diplomacy'.

Sec Treasury: Bob Barker. After all in this time of inflation/deflation cycles, we need someone who understands the right price for things. Plus how could Bob fuck things up any worse than the last guy?

Sec Transportation: Oprah. She could just give everybody a car. "You get a car, and you get a car!!"

Sec Defense: Clint Eastwood. Honestly, do you really want to fuck with Clint?

Sec Education: Big Bird. Actually Count Chocula or just about any Muppet will do. At least kids learn how to read from these puppets; which is more than we can say for the assholes who've been running our school systems lately.

FDA: Rachael Ray. I was gonna say Emeril, but I think Rachael is hot, so fuck him.

CIA: Lets see, we need someone very sneaky, a good liar, always sticking his nose in other peoples business, no moral qualms about getting people to talk...... Hey, I know... Dick Cheney will be available after January.

NASA: Joe Lieberman. Seriously. We could send him to the space station. And leave him there.

This Land Is Your Land.....

My new sister in law Leslie is here from the UK this week. She was asking about USA travel recommendations. Here is my list:

North East:

Boston: Avoid at all costs. Everyone there looks like John Kerry and drinks like Ted Kennedy. Plus clam chowder is NOT one of the 5 basic food groups and will give you the runs.

New York City: Avoid unless you have a death wish and enjoy the smell of urine on every surface. The natives all speak some sort of Spanish/Vietnamese mix, dress like a cross between Woody Allen and Tony Soprano, and bathe every other St. Patricks Day. Plus, the local greeting is "What the fuck are you looking at?".

New Jersey: Fahgitabout it. Really. Think Gary Indiana minus the charm.

Philadelphia: Greasy beef by-products with cheese whiz. Worse than clam chowder. Best avoided. Everything else about the city is worse. Oh and that 'Brotherly Love " thing? Assfucking.

Mid Atlantic:

Washington DC: George Bush has lived here for the last 8 years, and even he can't wait to leave. 178 degrees plus 200%humidity from March to November, followed by three months of ice storms. As Pat Nixon once said: "This town makes my twat itch."

Virgina: Slogan " Virgina Is For Lovers" should be replaced by "Virgina Is For Assholes". Half the state is red neck morons with pictures of Jerry Farwell in their trailers, the other half are coke addled defense contractors jacking off in their BWM's on the George Washington Parkway. If he were alive today, George himself would move to Havana.

The South:

Carolina's: Some say that folks down around these parts are not so smart. Put it this way: if you can find your ass with both hands, these shitbirds will elect you Governor. Good Bar-B-Q doesn't make up for the constant drone of country music comming from Daisy Mae's double wide. Avoid.

Florida: Bugs the size of hamsters, mile after mile of RV's driven by people named "Irv", and a non stop butt fucking festival in Miami ought to be enough to convince you to stay away. But just in case you still feel tempted, two words: Disney World. Hundreds of thousands of fat fucks in shorts from Ohio jammed together to see a sweaty gay man in a mouse costume parade down a fake street in 400 degree heat. (While their fat fuck kids barf on your shoes from too many corn dogs.) Fun in the sun.

Texas: George Bush likes it. Need I say more? Don't ever mention that shithole again. I'm serious.

The Midwest:

Michigan: Closed. No plans to re-open.

Ohio: Flat, cold, devoid of life as we know it. Why do you think these shitheels all went to Florida? Spending more than 45 minutes in Cleveland will make you want to kill yourself. Plus the drinking water is flammable, and will give you the worst case of the runs since Boston.

Chicago: Hog butcher to my ass. Magnificent Mile of shit. Windy due to the grease they use in their pizza dough. Average Chicagoan is a guy named Nikolas from Athens. He smokes Turkish cigarettes, listens to loud radio static in the cab he drives, smells like garlic and leaves the windows down at 80 MPH on a January night along Lake Michigan. Enjoy.

The West:

Arizona: They used this hellhole to fake lunar landings. Any questions?

Utah: These nut jobs are descendants of Joe Smith and his merry band of 18th century mental cases. Things haven't improved much on the stability scale since. The entire population wears 'Jesus Jammies" under their clothing which seems to make them all spend most of the day scratching their balls and voting for Orin Hatch. Avoid like the plague.

California: What hasn't burned down is populated by Prop 8 enraged queers. The odds of making it through baggage claim without getting savagely butt raped are about 20% according to the CHP. So you gotta ask yourself: "Do you feel lucky? Well do ya punk?".

Alaska: Two words: Sarah Palin. Oh and that Moose Chili? Think Boston, Philly and Cleveland all rolled into one...........

Our Lady

Since "Our Lady Of The North" won't go away, I thought I would save you some valuable Tee Vee time, and allow you to construct your own "Sarah-Graph All Purpose Answer" without the pain and trouble of watching Gov. Nan-Nookie prattle on. 

Well yah know in ( a. this great nation )  (b. the great state of Alaska) ( c. Todd's pants. ) the American people of this nation ( a. want) ( b. don't want) (c. don't give a rats ass about ) the total meltdown of ( a. our great economical system) ( b. Todd's snow machine) (c. my credibility); which as yah know is caused by (a. the media filter) (b. Joe The Plumber) and 

(a. a yeast infection) (b. Moose farts) which is the very thing in this great nation that make people such as myself  (a. try and cash in while we can) (b. hate Katie Couric) (c. want to get the fuck out of Wasilla). Therefore my fellow (a. Americans) (b. Alaskans) (c. gold diggers) let us agree in this great economy and nation of persons such as ourselves,  that the only thing we have to fear is (a. fear itself) (b' Todd on a 3 day scotch and blow bender) (c. me anywhere within 50 yards of the nuclear launch codes). You betcha!

I Read The News Today Oh Boy.......

You may have noticed the cool stunt the other day where some well funded pranksters distributed fake editions of the New York Times with headlines like: Iraq War Ends. That got me thinking about some headlines we can only dream of:

George Bush Surrenders To Authorities At Hague.

Sarah Palin Replaces Vanna White, Pat Sajak Quits In Protest.

Joe Lieberman Named Chairman Of Sub-Committee On Sewage Treatment.

"Joe The Plumber" Joins WWF Tour, Will Wrestle As "Joe The Plumber".

Dick Cheney Flees, Believed Hiding In Argentina.

Sean Hannity Arrested For Public Lewdness In Port Authority Restroom.

Detroit Lions Win Game

There Still Aint No Cure For Stupid.......

From The Interwebs:

Pirates caught redhanded by one of Her Majesty’s warships after trying to hijack a cargo ship off Somalia made the grave mistake of opening fire on two Royal Navy assault craft packed with commandos armed with machineguns and SA80 rifles.
In the ensuing gunfight, two Somali pirates in a Yemeni-registered fishing dhow were killed, and a third pirate, believed to be a Yemeni, suffered injuries and subsequently died. It was the first time the Royal Navy had been engaged in a fatal shoot-out on the high seas in living memory.
By the time the Royal Marines boarded the pirates’ vessel, the enemy had lost the will to fight and surrendered quietly. The Royal Navy described the boarding as “compliant”.

Talking Up Your Sleeve......

The news was out today about the new Secret Service code names for the Obama family, he is Renegade, she is Renaissance etc. I thought you might be interested in the codes names for some Republicans:

President Bush: Fucknuts

Laura Bush: Stoner

Dick Cheney: Lucifer

Lynn Cheney: Devils Bride

Condi Rice: Brown Sugar

Dana Perino: Liar

John McCain: Depends

Cindy McCain: Botox

Sarah Palin: Dumb Bitch

Todd Palin: Asswipe

Newt Gingrich: FatFuck

Sean Hannity: Shitheel

Rush Limbaugh: Gasbag

And lastly:

Joe Lieberman: Cuntwad

When News Breaks Here, It Stays Broken....

From The NYT

Watch MSNBC, a new commercial for the cable channel intones, and “experience the power of change.”
Is the channel, a subsidiary of NBC Universal, introducing a new slogan that calls to mind President-elect Barack Obama’s campaign message? MSNBC says it is not. But the commercial, which began last week, stirred fresh complaints from the network’s critics.

Remarking about MSNBC’s perceived support of Mr. Obama, the libertarian radio host Neal Boortz asked on his blog Wednesday, “Could it get any more obvious?”
Left-leaning commentaries by the anchors Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow drew record numbers of viewers to MSNBC in the months leading up to the presidential election on Nov. 4.
The flag-waving “change” commercial looked to some like the start of a new branding campaign, following MSNBC’s year-old ads calling itself “The Place for Politics.”

Well perhaps it's time now for a new slogan for our friends at FOX. Some suggestions:

Fox News, Boy Are We Fucked Now.

Fox, News For White People

Fox. Fuck Obama.

Fox News, Fair and Balanced, Not So Much.

Fox News, Palin 2012.

Trickle Down New Jersey Style

Police and staff at a Washington club allege that a drunken city official has given new meaning to the slang term "going to the head."

According to police and sources from Washington's 9:30 Club, 44-year-old Jersey City, New Jersey Councilman Steven Lipski was ejected after being witnessed by club staff urinating onto fellow patrons from a second-floor balcony during a performance by a Grateful Dead tribute band.

"We've dealt with this man before," the source told the New York Daily News. "He's never peed on anybody, but he gets really belligerent and drunk."

Lipski, currently serving his second term, has been charged with simple assault. Aide Irina Zaki told the News that she had no knowledge of Lipski's arrest. 

As they say in Newark: This fucking guy here: he's a real pisser.

"What, Would I Make Hadassa A Widow?"

Mean Streets 2008 

Scene 3 

Senator Joe" The Weasel" Lieberman and Harry "The Hitman" Reid meet.  Interior nighttime shot of Union Station Washington DC, near the Sabaro Pizza stand. Shadows fill the space, and we see a medium shot of:

Reid approaching with a hard look on his face, Lieberman is afraid and nervous:

JL: Well Harry you know I just wanna...

HR: Shut the fuck up Joe,just shut the fuck up (Reid grabs Lieberman by the collar) Give me one fucking reason not to have you whacked right now you son of a bitch..

JL: Now Harry there's no reason to be like that..

HR: No fucking reason?? Are you outta your fucking mind you fucking punk cocksucker,after the shit you did for Johhny? I swear to fucking God I'm gonna whack you myself right here, right now you lying motherfucker..

JL: Now Harry....

HR Don't you even fucking say a word  ( grabs Lieberman in a head lock, and begins to pistol whip him)  you fucking punk, what did Johnny offer you any way huh? Secretary of State? And you believed him? Madon! You fucking putz, I tell you what..the next time you see me coming you better turn and walk the other way ( Lieberman falls to the ground in a fetal position) You hear me punk? (Reid kicks Lieberman) Do you fucking hear me? Don't you ever (kick) fucking(kick) come near(kick) the Democratic (kick) cloak room again....( Reid throws a tray with half eaten pizza slices at the supine Lieberman and stalks out wiping his mouth with his hand) 

We hear Reids footsteps echo as sirens begin in the distance.

Fade to black.

Shock And Awe

I'm still reeling from the scenes last night of people dancing in the streets the world over, from Lafayette Park in front of the White House to villages in Africa, cities all over Europe, and towns around the world. All of us with tears of joy, all of us amazed that hope has returned in a way that we knew was possible but couldn't quite believe was real until last night. I kept thinking last night about a few folks who didn't get here, but I think are smiling somewhere today: Viola Liuzzo who died on a lonely road in the south far from her home in Detroit; and Chaney, Goodman, and Schwerner who ended up buried in Mississippi for the crime of helping to register black folks to vote. I know there are plenty of other martyrs we can think of today, and I know that 3 out of these 4 were white, but somehow I think that attention should be paid to them today as we celebrate the wonder of the phrase: President Elect Barack Obama.

Our Long National Nightmare

Why is tonight different than other nights? Well Jimmy, because tonight when we light the candles and pour the wine we will be able to celebrate the end of the right wing high jacking of America, and begin to dream again of the land of promise we heard about as children. Tonight all over America men and women of good will shall begin to breath a little easier, to feel a little lighter, to hold a little more hope in their hearts.

 

God Bless America, and oh yeah 'cause I saw him again on Tee Vee behind John Boi: FUCK YOUONE MORE TIME JOE LIBERMAN. Now where did I put that corkscrew.......

Oh Yeah, and One More Thing

I saw Joe "The Weasel" Liberman grinning at a McCain rally yesterday. So one for one last time this election cycle a special shout out to Joe.

Hey Joe, Fuck You.

Ahhh now I feel better.

Dead On Arrival

We ran a call Saturday night for a pedestrian struck by a car. Riding up front with me was rookie young woman about my daughters age. When I pulled up I could see the guy was DRT ( dead  right there)before I even had the air brake on. I was concerned how the rookie would react, as she had never seen a dead body before. When I asked her later how she felt she said something profound: " He was dead when I met him". I think that for young people voting for the first time this year, perhaps the old racist Rovian politics of hate and fear will be dead  to them at the beginning of their relationship with politics. Perhaps they, more than my generation, will begin to imagine an America free from the same old arguments about race and culture and religion; and will begin to let our politics reflect something more real. I have felt for a long while that politicians are like Tee Vee news readers. Blow dried hair, fake smiles,  stupid cliches, and 100% bullshit for content. I think Obama is more of a post modern politician. In the same way that the best performers have transcended the old rules that resulted in a hundred guys named Sonny or Biff reading sports and weather on the air, Obama has jumped over the old ideas about who can be an American leader, and what the conversation can be about. 

We are going to turn a new page tomorrow, so tonight I offer a prayer for the safety and health of Barak Obama and his family, and send to heaven my petition: if an exit pollster asks some 19 or 20 year old about the old wedge issues, that young man or woman can respond by saying "That's all in the past..."