Monday, December 29, 2008

Christ Of The Breadlines




When the song of the angel is stilled,
When the star of the sky is gone,
When the kings and princes are home,
When the shepherds are back with their flock...
The work of Christmas begins:
to find the lost,
to heal the broken,
to feed the hungry,
to release the prisoner,
to rebuild nations,
to bring peace among sisters and brothers,
and to make music in the heart.
Howard Thurman

Who Likes Dick?



Dick Cheney tells a Wyoming paper, via Think Progress, that he can't understand why people don't like him:

How do you explain your low approval rating? "I don't have any idea. I don't follow the polls.


Perhaps we can help the veepster out by offering a few hints:

Top Ten Reasons People Don't Like Dick Cheney:

10. Shoots his 'friends' in the face.

9. Smells of sulfur.

8. Actually I like him just fine. Now please stop the torture.

7. Cheats at scrabble. Gitmo is not a word.

6. Cloven hoof thing creeps most folks out.

5. Not into Skynrd.

4. Known to be a worse mean drunk than Brian Williams.

3. Leaves the seat up.

2. Enjoys the taste of blood.

1. Go fuck yourself.


Thursday, December 25, 2008

Natum Videte Regem Angelorum



Born this happy morning, to working class folks. One child. One morning. One life. And the world is new. 

We were able this year to send some money down to Montrouis so Olmy could get a bed. He has never owned one. I am stunned by the contrast, we so rich beyond the wildest dreams of avarice, and most in the world with no room for them at the inn. I hope Olmy sleeps in peace, at least a little. And maybe dreams of the King of Angels, and the day of justice.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Sweet Caroline



I know that I should be against the idea of another dynastic pick for the open NY Senate seat when The Hillster moves to foggy bottom, but I like the idea of Caroline Kennedy in the US Senate. I think she will add some class to the joint. However, should the Governor prove unable to see his way clear to appoint her (don't write me nasty letters in braille) I have some other New Yorkers we could suggest:

1. Woody Allen. I understand he is very interested in children's issues (after all he married one). Plus I'd love to hear him make a speech from the well.

2. Abe Vigoda. Is he still alive? Senator Fish has a nice ring to it.

3. Senator Jerry Sienfeld. What's the deal with that CAFTA thing anyway? And isn't the Senate ultimately about nothing?

4. The Donald. At least this fucking guy could write a few checks and maybe help the budget situation. Plus his hair is no worse than that dead thing Trent Lott glued to his head for years.

5. Danny Devito. Sure he's a bit on the short side, but has anyone ever measured Babs Milkulski from my great state of Maryland? Three foot six on a good day.  She played a hobbit in Lord Of The Rings.

6. Ed Koch. Obnoxious? Sure. Worse than Chuck Schumer? Not likely.

7. Nathan Lane. Why not a few show tunes during a quorum call.

8. Howard Sterns stuttering John. A walking filibuster. Next time the Republicans start something stupid, just yield the floor to John boy and watch the fun begin.

9. Joan Rivers. Sure she lives in Hollywood, but she just seems so New York in a plastic surgery Jewish mother kind of way. Could sell Senate cuff links on QVC to help the economy.

10. Regis and Kelly Rippa. The brain power of both of these morons combined doesn't come close to half of Hillary on a bad day, but you can't tell me with a  straight face than Kelly Rippa is any dumber than Libby Dole ever was. 

Monday, December 15, 2008

Six Seconds in Baghdad


1. Mohamed Harvey Oswald acted alone, firing two shoes in 6 seconds from the Baghdad Book Depository.

2. There was no second shoe-er on the Grassy sand dune.

3. At frame 462 of the Achmed El Zapzuder film you can see the shot clearly drive the Presidents head down and to the right. Down and to the right. Down and to the right.

4. Shiek Ruby of the 1000 Nights Nite Club never met Oswald.

5. The shoe was an Italian Bruno Carcano.

6. Witnesses disagree about the number of shoes, some estimating as many as 8 shoes being thrown, some thinking only one shoe and a slipper.

7. Oliver Stone might cast Joe Pesci as the Prime Minister of Iraq.

8. The Warren (Zevon) Commission will once again feature a bullshit theory by Arlen Spector called the "magic loafer theory".

9. The media will cover up the truth.

10. It would have been funnier if the guy threw a clown shoe.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Hanging On The Telephone


Partial FBI Transcript:

November 23, 2008 2:24pm Phone call between GOVONOR BLAGOJEVICH and Senate Candidates 5, 6, and 7.

GB: "So what's up triple J?"

SC5: "Time to move on up from the Hizzie to the Sizzie my man Blogo"

GB: " Spare me the fucking George Jefferson song and dance junior, I can get that on the fucking tee vee, you wanna move on up to da deluxe side of town its gonna cost youse."

SC5: "Sheeeeet Blogo, jus chill the fuck out boy-eee. You know the O.G. double J is gonna do ya right..."

GB: " Hey you fuckin' tell your old man I don't need no more 'appreciation', I get plenty from that cheap motherfucker that just got his skinny ass elected. Fucking guy didn't offer a damn nickle to me. Can you fuckin' believe the balls that punk has? Huh? Look, you talk to the old man and tell him its gonna take a rising tide of about 500 large to lift this fucking boat if ya know what I mean...... hey I got another call.."

GB hangs up on SC5, and picks up another line with SC6:

GB: "MJ whats up baby?"

SC6: "OK you can have the walk on in the Haynes commercial, plus the 500 thou.."

GB: "I'm thinking the good folks of Illinois could be sayin' hello to Senator Jordan. but I gotta tell ya Mikey... 500 seems a bit light.. "

SC6: " Hang on... let me guess... did that fucker Ditka up his offer?"

GB: " 'Fraid so Mikey... gotta run. I got another call..."

GB Hangs up on SC6 and picks up another line with SC7:

GB: " Hello Coach?"

SC7: " Da Bears......"

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Oh Baby Just You Shut You Mouth (Continued)


Perhaps you are not aware that while media attention is focused on the trials and tribune-lations of "Rod The Fuck Wad" Blogo in Chi Town, the Bush cartel has been busy pushing all sorts of last minute regulation changes through. Here is a partial list:

Repeal of all child labor laws. The Bush view is that since the economy is fucked anyhow, those kiddies are gonna need to pitch in and help feed their families. Fourteen hours a day in the coal mine for $1.25 an hour will seem like a great gig a year from now. So shut the fuck up, and tell that snot nosed kid of yours to put a cork in it too.

Repeal of all minimum wage rules: Hey: you're lucky to have any work in this economy, so go ahead and shut the fuck up.

Elimination of any congressional oversight on domestic spying. I mean you don't have anything to hide right? So why are you acting so worried Mr. Liberal Asshole? What do you care if the NSA 'monitors' electronic communications. Are you concerned because you support terrorists, or could it have something to do with your frequent late night web visits to "Big Fat Butt Cheeks.com" that your wife doesn't know anything about? Didn't we tell you to just shut the fuck up? Hmmm?

Green light for any 'enhanced interrogation' methods that the CIA sees fit to employ. You don't honestly think anybody wants to hear you whine about 'human rights' or 'due process' now do you Mr Big Butt Cheeks? So....shut the fuck up already or we'll send you to Ballzapizstan.

Open season on hunting puppies. Why? Cheney says they taste great with a nice Merlot. You know what to do. Zip it.


Tuesday, December 9, 2008

If I Ruled The World, With Apologies To Coldplay And Joe Satriani


If I ruled the world, here is a list of things I would require:

Anyone who wants to go on the Tee Vee talk about how Obama is not an American citizen, must wear a tin foil hat and use the phrase "walla walla" in every other sentence.

Anyone how wants to limit the sex life of a consenting adult, needs to publicly reveal any and all masturbatory fantasies they 'enjoy'. Should their fantasies revolve around goats and bicycle seats, these people must shut up forever. ( Most of them would be forced to keep quiet.)

Anyone who thinks Sarah Palin would make a good president of the USA must immediately move to Fairbanks and offer to blow the first 3 Eskimos they meet.

The next bobble head on NBC who mentions Tim Russert should be fired, and/or locked in a small overheated room with Judith Miller and a bottle of rum for 4 days.

Anyone who expects the Detroit Lions, Chicago Blackhawks, or Joe Lieberman to win anything in the next 5 years should call me ASAP about a real estate opportunity "too good to pass up".

Saturday, December 6, 2008

The First Snow




Just a trace of snow today here in Maryland. I stood this afternoon on my hill, and could smell wood smoke from the chimneys down the way, and with the steel gray sky, I remembered I've always been deeply in love with December. A day like this makes me remember Michigan with a slow ache somewhere far inside my heart. For some reason as I stood outside today and tasted the cold air I recalled the faces of the women I've loved,  I saw Nicki in candlelight, and Gwen under the red and blue Christmas lights...I saw Casey's eyes flashing in the desert morning, I saw Jan on a beach so long long ago. Maybe I'm getting old... standing outside on a dull afternoon staring into space..or maybe I just really really do love December.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

You're Gonna want The Extended Warranty With That One My Friend....

So let me see if I got this right: we gave zillions to those punk greed-heads on wall street who should all be in jail or swinging on a rope, but congress can't see any reason to help save the US auto industry. What the fuck? While I think the solution needs to be on the consumer side, i.e government backed cheap car loans, tax breaks for car buying, subsidized prices even; we can not let this industry go down the tubes. Detroit is already Katrina in slo-mo, but these Neo-Hoverites in DC make me want to lock the whole bunch of them up in a small room with Todd Palin on a coke binge. Jesus.... Anyhow here is my idea of the way the hearing could have gone today:

Congressman: " So you folks are here for a loan huh?"

Auto CEO: " Yes sir we sure are"

CM: " Okey Dokey lets just fill out a few forms here and I'll take this to my credit manager, what were you looking to do as far as a monthly payment?" " Oh and by the way I strongly suggest the undercoating and the Lojack."

CEO: "Can we just get a straight answer here?'

CM: "Relax, have a cup of coffee.. wander around the showroom and let me see what my manager says..."

Anyway it could have gone that way.........and that undercoating? A steal at $650!

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

There Still Aint No Cure For Stupid



I was at the firehouse Tuesday night, and the guys were making dinner. They asked a rookie to do the Broccoli and carrots. I watched as this future Cordon Bleu genius boiled the shit out of frozen veggies, then mashed in velveeta cheese until the whole thing looked like guacamole.  I must say in over a half century on this planet; that was the most DISGUSTING FUCKING THING I have ever seen. Where do we find these morons?

Days Of Future Passed


January 20, 2009
Washington DC

6:13AM  Blair House: The Obamas wake and begin getting ready for the big day.

6:17AM The White House: A still drunk George Bush stumbles up the stairs from the situation room after an all night "pardon-a-thon" party with Dick and Condi. Laura frowns in disgust as she scolds him to hurry up and shave and shower before the Obamas arrive.

6:46AM A neighborhood  in northwest DC: Don Rumsfeld  has a short phone conversation with Dick Cheney: DC: " Rummy its Dickster". DR: "Did numb nuts sign it?" DC: " it took 6 Margaritas and a titty flash from Condi, buts its done" DR: " By Jimminy!!!" DC: "Whatever." DR:" What about Perle?" DC:"Ahh fuck him"

7:04AM Woodbridge VA: Pat Buchanan pulls on his sport coat and heads down the hall past full size portraits of Nixon, Kissinger, and Gobbels. Buchanan wonders what Rachel Maddow looks like naked, and if we wouldn't all be so fucked if those silly Jews in Boca had figured out the butterfly ballot in 2000.

7:30AM The White House Driveway: Wolf Blitzer prepares for his first stand up of the day by puffing a fat one behind the CBS satellite truck. Tom Brokaw sees Wolf with the doobie, and attempts to say: "Hey Blitzer don't bogart that spliff.." but becomes so tongue tied that Secret Service agents assume he is having a seizure, and call for Paramedics.

8:09AM Union Station Mens Room: Bill O'Reilly sits down in stall number 4 after a long train ride from New York. He hears a foot tapping and looks over to see a hand motioning under the stall divider. The hot tempered O'Reilly slams his briefcase into the hand causing a loud scream as the toe tapper flees the rest room.

9:15AM C-SPAN Studios: Host Brian  Lamb says: "Go ahead caller.." and the 14th Howard Stern "Stuttering John" prankster makes it to air. Unknown to Brian or the C-SPAN viewers is the fact that seven of those calls were made by Todd Palin, and three by his wife Sarah who is currenty spread out over a chaise lounge chair in her suite at the Willard Hotel being 'room serviced' by a Mexican houseboy named Raoul.

11:02AM The US Capitol: Barack Obama takes the oath and becomes the 44th President of the US. In the VIP seats, Idaho Senator Larry Craig nurses a very sore hand.

11:03AM: Somewhere Thomas Jefferson smiles.



Sunday, November 30, 2008

Thanksgiving Warmed Over




I hope you all had a good holiday. We were able to go see some friends of the family, and have a nice evening Friday night with pals. Then I seem to have come down with 'flu like symptoms', basically feeling like death warmed over, so between being busy and sick, not much time for posting. A short list of thanks from an aging rock and roller seems in order:

For good health, I'm getting to the age that that I see how lucky I am (this weekend aside) to be in pretty good shape considering my former.... er..umm ... activities.

For family, again I don't think I've done much to deserve such a strong partner, and such a wonderful kid, but I'm grateful. I'm also perfectly happy these days to just have bit of a lie in on a Sunday morning with the cat and dog and the post spread out over the bed. That's a long way from looking for cocktail waitresses to "spread out over the bed".

For friends, I have fewer now than back in the day, but I know the friends I have now will remain so for life, and ask nothing of me. I learned long ago that it was always easy to fill a limo with "friends" as long as I supplied the limo and the blow.

For the chance to be of some use. I am lucky that I get to feel from time to time that I am doing some work that is valuable to others. I never felt that way in the music biz.

And lastly, in the immortal words of Keith Richards: " I'm just happy to be anywhere man...." It's good to alive.


Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Back To The Future





While cleaning out my closet, I found my old  Acme 9000 Crystal Ball Kit. So I figured, why not dust the thing off, and fire it up. Here is a look ahead:


George W. Bush: 2018: Suffers 10th straight losing season as manager of Waco Texas AAA baseball team "Waco Birdbrains". Fans demand the team fire him.

Joe Lieberman: After landslide defeat in  2010 re-election bid, Joe opens a small kosher massage parlor and pastry shop in Encino. Names shop "Joe's Ho Ho's"

Brian Williams: Forced to resign from NBC News in 2009 after being overheard on an open mic calling Barack Obama " sweet, dark and delicious...", Williams goes on to a successful career as a the understudy to the green witch in the touring company of "Wicked".

Sarah Palin: After an internet lesbian nazi video surfaces in 2011, Palin drops from sight. A team of reporters from the BBC track her down in 2016 living on a turkey farm with her 'partner' Inga.

John McCain: Cryogenically frozen in 2010 in the hopes that someday science will find a cure for baldness.

Wolf Blitzer: Died of 'acute constipation' in 2017.

OJ Simpson: Still in jail.

Dick Cheney: Last seen in 2009 disguised as a Polish dockworker boarding a tramp steamer in Baltimore. Rumors persist that Cheney has set up a Col. Kurtz style compound in a South American jungle.

Hillary Clinton: Elected first woman president of moon colony in 2014.

James Dobson: Undergoes sex change operation in 2013. Changes name to Jane Dobson, and tells reporters they can just " focus on this you bitches" while flashing surgically created vagina.

Karl Rove: Dies in bizarre dildo accident in 2015. Details remain sketchy.


Barack Obama:  2017: First black president to be added to Mount Rushmore.



Sunday, November 23, 2008

Jeffersons Good Taste

Casey and I decided to hop in the car and head down to Monticello yesterday morning. I had never been to Mr. Jefferson's house even after 8 years here in DC. Among the things I learned was that Thomas Jefferson loved vanilla ice cream. Somehow the image of a young Jefferson pondering the rights of men, and the future of a nation while slurping a big bowl of ice cream appealed to me. While I suppose all great men have feet of clay; this great man also had a sweet tooth. I think that makes him more real, and for just a moment yesterday in the weak November light on that small Virginia mountaintop.... I could almost hear Tom Jefferson saying: Mmmm.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Dream Team


According to the Tee Vee Machine, The Obama is busy picking his cabinet team. Maybe it was the cheap Aussie Merlot working on me, but I had a dream last night of what his posse could look like:

Sec State: Tony Soprano. Imagine that little shit Imadinnerjacket in Iran when Tony, Paulie Walnuts, and Big Pussy walk in to 'negotiate'. While Puss and Paulie hold him in a headlock, Tony demands he tell us "where the fucking nukes are". That's what I call 'using diplomacy'.

Sec Treasury: Bob Barker. After all in this time of inflation/deflation cycles, we need someone who understands the right price for things. Plus how could Bob fuck things up any worse than the last guy?

Sec Transportation: Oprah. She could just give everybody a car. "You get a car, and you get a car!!"

Sec Defense: Clint Eastwood. Honestly, do you really want to fuck with Clint?

Sec Education: Big Bird. Actually Count Chocula or just about any Muppet will do. At least kids learn how to read from these puppets; which is more than we can say for the assholes who've been running our school systems lately.

FDA: Rachael Ray. I was gonna say Emeril, but I think Rachael is hot, so fuck him.

CIA: Lets see, we need someone very sneaky, a good liar, always sticking his nose in other peoples business, no moral qualms about getting people to talk...... Hey, I know... Dick Cheney will be available after January.

NASA: Joe Lieberman. Seriously. We could send him to the space station. And leave him there.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

This Land Is Your Land.....


My new sister in law Leslie is here from the UK this week. She was asking about USA travel recommendations. Here is my list:

North East:

Boston: Avoid at all costs. Everyone there looks like John Kerry and drinks like Ted Kennedy. Plus clam chowder is NOT one of the 5 basic food groups and will give you the runs.

New York City: Avoid unless you have a death wish and enjoy the smell of urine on every surface. The natives all speak some sort of Spanish/Vietnamese mix, dress like a cross between Woody Allen and Tony Soprano, and bathe every other St. Patricks Day. Plus, the local greeting is "What the fuck are you looking at?".

New Jersey: Fahgitabout it. Really. Think Gary Indiana minus the charm.

Philadelphia: Greasy beef by-products with cheese whiz. Worse than clam chowder. Best avoided. Everything else about the city is worse. Oh and that 'Brotherly Love " thing? Assfucking.

Mid Atlantic:

Washington DC: George Bush has lived here for the last 8 years, and even he can't wait to leave. 178 degrees plus 200%humidity from March to November, followed by three months of ice storms. As Pat Nixon once said: "This town makes my twat itch."

Virgina: Slogan " Virgina Is For Lovers" should be replaced by "Virgina Is For Assholes". Half the state is red neck morons with pictures of Jerry Farwell in their trailers, the other half are coke addled defense contractors jacking off in their BWM's on the George Washington Parkway. If he were alive today, George himself would move to Havana.

The South:

Carolina's: Some say that folks down around these parts are not so smart. Put it this way: if you can find your ass with both hands, these shitbirds will elect you Governor. Good Bar-B-Q doesn't make up for the constant drone of country music comming from Daisy Mae's double wide. Avoid.

Florida: Bugs the size of hamsters, mile after mile of RV's driven by people named "Irv", and a non stop butt fucking festival in Miami ought to be enough to convince you to stay away. But just in case you still feel tempted, two words: Disney World. Hundreds of thousands of fat fucks in shorts from Ohio jammed together to see a sweaty gay man in a mouse costume parade down a fake street in 400 degree heat. (While their fat fuck kids barf on your shoes from too many corn dogs.) Fun in the sun.

Texas: George Bush likes it. Need I say more? Don't ever mention that shithole again. I'm serious.

The Midwest:

Michigan: Closed. No plans to re-open.

Ohio: Flat, cold, devoid of life as we know it. Why do you think these shitheels all went to Florida? Spending more than 45 minutes in Cleveland will make you want to kill yourself. Plus the drinking water is flammable, and will give you the worst case of the runs since Boston.

Chicago: Hog butcher to my ass. Magnificent Mile of shit. Windy due to the grease they use in their pizza dough. Average Chicagoan is a guy named Nikolas from Athens. He smokes Turkish cigarettes, listens to loud radio static in the cab he drives, smells like garlic and leaves the windows down at 80 MPH on a January night along Lake Michigan. Enjoy.

The West:

Arizona: They used this hellhole to fake lunar landings. Any questions?

Utah: These nut jobs are descendants of Joe Smith and his merry band of 18th century mental cases. Things haven't improved much on the stability scale since. The entire population wears 'Jesus Jammies" under their clothing which seems to make them all spend most of the day scratching their balls and voting for Orin Hatch. Avoid like the plague.

California: What hasn't burned down is populated by Prop 8 enraged queers. The odds of making it through baggage claim without getting savagely butt raped are about 20% according to the CHP. So you gotta ask yourself: "Do you feel lucky? Well do ya punk?".

Alaska: Two words: Sarah Palin. Oh and that Moose Chili? Think Boston, Philly and Cleveland all rolled into one...........

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Our Lady



Since "Our Lady Of The North" won't go away, I thought I would save you some valuable Tee Vee time, and allow you to construct your own "Sarah-Graph All Purpose Answer" without the pain and trouble of watching Gov. Nan-Nookie prattle on. 

Well yah know in ( a. this great nation )  (b. the great state of Alaska) ( c. Todd's pants. ) the American people of this nation ( a. want) ( b. don't want) (c. don't give a rats ass about ) the total meltdown of ( a. our great economical system) ( b. Todd's snow machine) (c. my credibility); which as yah know is caused by (a. the media filter) (b. Joe The Plumber) and 
(a. a yeast infection) (b. Moose farts) which is the very thing in this great nation that make people such as myself  (a. try and cash in while we can) (b. hate Katie Couric) (c. want to get the fuck out of Wasilla). Therefore my fellow (a. Americans) (b. Alaskans) (c. gold diggers) let us agree in this great economy and nation of persons such as ourselves,  that the only thing we have to fear is (a. fear itself) (b' Todd on a 3 day scotch and blow bender) (c. me anywhere within 50 yards of the nuclear launch codes). You betcha!


Thursday, November 13, 2008

I Read The News Today Oh Boy.......


You may have noticed the cool stunt the other day where some well funded pranksters distributed fake editions of the New York Times with headlines like: Iraq War Ends. That got me thinking about some headlines we can only dream of:


George Bush Surrenders To Authorities At Hague.

Sarah Palin Replaces Vanna White, Pat Sajak Quits In Protest.

Joe Lieberman Named Chairman Of Sub-Committee On Sewage Treatment.

"Joe The Plumber" Joins WWF Tour, Will Wrestle As "Joe The Plumber".

Dick Cheney Flees, Believed Hiding In Argentina.

Sean Hannity Arrested For Public Lewdness In Port Authority Restroom.

Detroit Lions Win Game



Wednesday, November 12, 2008

There Still Aint No Cure For Stupid.......


From The Interwebs:

Pirates caught redhanded by one of Her Majesty’s warships after trying to hijack a cargo ship off Somalia made the grave mistake of opening fire on two Royal Navy assault craft packed with commandos armed with machineguns and SA80 rifles.
In the ensuing gunfight, two Somali pirates in a Yemeni-registered fishing dhow were killed, and a third pirate, believed to be a Yemeni, suffered injuries and subsequently died. It was the first time the Royal Navy had been engaged in a fatal shoot-out on the high seas in living memory.
By the time the Royal Marines boarded the pirates’ vessel, the enemy had lost the will to fight and surrendered quietly. The Royal Navy described the boarding as “compliant”.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Talking Up Your Sleeve......


The news was out today about the new Secret Service code names for the Obama family, he is Renegade, she is Renaissance etc. I thought you might be interested in the codes names for some Republicans:

President Bush: Fucknuts
Laura Bush: Stoner

Dick Cheney: Lucifer
Lynn Cheney: Devils Bride

Condi Rice: Brown Sugar
Dana Perino: Liar

John McCain: Depends
Cindy McCain: Botox

Sarah Palin: Dumb Bitch
Todd Palin: Asswipe

Newt Gingrich: FatFuck
Sean Hannity: Shitheel
Rush Limbaugh: Gasbag

And lastly:

Joe Lieberman: Cuntwad



When News Breaks Here, It Stays Broken....


From The NYT

Watch MSNBC, a new commercial for the cable channel intones, and “experience the power of change.”
Is the channel, a subsidiary of NBC Universal, introducing a new slogan that calls to mind President-elect Barack Obama’s campaign message? MSNBC says it is not. But the commercial, which began last week, stirred fresh complaints from the network’s critics.

Remarking about MSNBC’s perceived support of Mr. Obama, the libertarian radio host Neal Boortz asked on his blog Wednesday, “Could it get any more obvious?”
Left-leaning commentaries by the anchors Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow drew record numbers of viewers to MSNBC in the months leading up to the presidential election on Nov. 4.
The flag-waving “change” commercial looked to some like the start of a new branding campaign, following MSNBC’s year-old ads calling itself “The Place for Politics.”

Well perhaps it's time now for a new slogan for our friends at FOX. Some suggestions:

Fox News, Boy Are We Fucked Now.

Fox, News For White People

Fox. Fuck Obama.

Fox News, Fair and Balanced, Not So Much.

Fox News, Palin 2012.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Trickle Down New Jersey Style


Police and staff at a Washington club allege that a drunken city official has given new meaning to the slang term "going to the head."

According to police and sources from Washington's 9:30 Club, 44-year-old Jersey City, New Jersey Councilman Steven Lipski was ejected after being witnessed by club staff urinating onto fellow patrons from a second-floor balcony during a performance by a Grateful Dead tribute band.

"We've dealt with this man before," the source told the New York Daily News. "He's never peed on anybody, but he gets really belligerent and drunk."

Lipski, currently serving his second term, has been charged with simple assault. Aide Irina Zaki told the News that she had no knowledge of Lipski's arrest. 

As they say in Newark: This fucking guy here: he's a real pisser.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

"What, Would I Make Hadassa A Widow?"


Mean Streets 2008 

Scene 3 

Senator Joe" The Weasel" Lieberman and Harry "The Hitman" Reid meet.  Interior nighttime shot of Union Station Washington DC, near the Sabaro Pizza stand. Shadows fill the space, and we see a medium shot of:

Reid approaching with a hard look on his face, Lieberman is afraid and nervous:

JL: Well Harry you know I just wanna...

HR: Shut the fuck up Joe,just shut the fuck up (Reid grabs Lieberman by the collar) Give me one fucking reason not to have you whacked right now you son of a bitch..

JL: Now Harry there's no reason to be like that..

HR: No fucking reason?? Are you outta your fucking mind you fucking punk cocksucker,after the shit you did for Johhny? I swear to fucking God I'm gonna whack you myself right here, right now you lying motherfucker..

JL: Now Harry....

HR Don't you even fucking say a word  ( grabs Lieberman in a head lock, and begins to pistol whip him)  you fucking punk, what did Johnny offer you any way huh? Secretary of State? And you believed him? Madon! You fucking putz, I tell you what..the next time you see me coming you better turn and walk the other way ( Lieberman falls to the ground in a fetal position) You hear me punk? (Reid kicks Lieberman) Do you fucking hear me? Don't you ever (kick) fucking(kick) come near(kick) the Democratic (kick) cloak room again....( Reid throws a tray with half eaten pizza slices at the supine Lieberman and stalks out wiping his mouth with his hand) 

We hear Reids footsteps echo as sirens begin in the distance.

Fade to black.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Shock And Awe


I'm still reeling from the scenes last night of people dancing in the streets the world over, from Lafayette Park in front of the White House to villages in Africa, cities all over Europe, and towns around the world. All of us with tears of joy, all of us amazed that hope has returned in a way that we knew was possible but couldn't quite believe was real until last night. I kept thinking last night about a few folks who didn't get here, but I think are smiling somewhere today: Viola Liuzzo who died on a lonely road in the south far from her home in Detroit; and Chaney, Goodman, and Schwerner who ended up buried in Mississippi for the crime of helping to register black folks to vote. I know there are plenty of other martyrs we can think of today, and I know that 3 out of these 4 were white, but somehow I think that attention should be paid to them today as we celebrate the wonder of the phrase: President Elect Barack Obama.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Our Long National Nightmare



Why is tonight different than other nights? Well Jimmy, because tonight when we light the candles and pour the wine we will be able to celebrate the end of the right wing high jacking of America, and begin to dream again of the land of promise we heard about as children. Tonight all over America men and women of good will shall begin to breath a little easier, to feel a little lighter, to hold a little more hope in their hearts.
 
God Bless America, and oh yeah 'cause I saw him again on Tee Vee behind John Boi: FUCK YOUONE MORE TIME JOE LIBERMAN. Now where did I put that corkscrew.......

Monday, November 3, 2008

Oh Yeah, and One More Thing


I saw Joe "The Weasel" Liberman grinning at a McCain rally yesterday. So one for one last time this election cycle a special shout out to Joe.

Hey Joe, Fuck You.

Ahhh now I feel better.

Dead On Arrival



We ran a call Saturday night for a pedestrian struck by a car. Riding up front with me was rookie young woman about my daughters age. When I pulled up I could see the guy was DRT ( dead  right there)before I even had the air brake on. I was concerned how the rookie would react, as she had never seen a dead body before. When I asked her later how she felt she said something profound: " He was dead when I met him". I think that for young people voting for the first time this year, perhaps the old racist Rovian politics of hate and fear will be dead  to them at the beginning of their relationship with politics. Perhaps they, more than my generation, will begin to imagine an America free from the same old arguments about race and culture and religion; and will begin to let our politics reflect something more real. I have felt for a long while that politicians are like Tee Vee news readers. Blow dried hair, fake smiles,  stupid cliches, and 100% bullshit for content. I think Obama is more of a post modern politician. In the same way that the best performers have transcended the old rules that resulted in a hundred guys named Sonny or Biff reading sports and weather on the air, Obama has jumped over the old ideas about who can be an American leader, and what the conversation can be about. 

We are going to turn a new page tomorrow, so tonight I offer a prayer for the safety and health of Barak Obama and his family, and send to heaven my petition: if an exit pollster asks some 19 or 20 year old about the old wedge issues, that young man or woman can respond by saying "That's all in the past..." 

Friday, October 31, 2008

A Look Ahead.....




Some predictions for Election Day: Obama wins with about 340-350 EV's. He may lose Ohio, but win Arizona. The Dems don't quite get 60 Senate seats. Other predictions, and a timeline for Tuesday night:



6:55PM EDT: Tom Brokaw on MSNBC attempts to make a point about Mary Landrieu in Lafayette Louisiana, and a Lockheed L-1011, but instead becomes so tongue tied that Paramedics are called.

7:12PM EDT: Upstairs at the White House, George Bush sets the TiVo for SportsCenter, and pounds down his sixth Peach Daiquiri since 4 o'clock.

7:30PM EDT: Sarah Palin breaks down in tears when she learns of plans by Todd and Joe The Plumber to move in together and share a double wide in Toledo.

7:43PM EDT: Wolf Blitzer announces on CNN that he really is a "wolf' and grabs Peggy Noonan's left tit. "What do you think about that situation you little tart Huh?." leers the diminutive Blitzer before CNN switches to a test pattern.

8:01PM EDT Pat Buchanan on MSNBC tells Chris Mathews that " John McCain is a 'fucking putz' and ' unfit to carry Richard Nixon's jock strap'.

8:23PM  EDT CBS Calls the race for Obama, meanwhile in dark room somewhere in  Florida, Matt Drudge stares at a loaded 357 Magnum, and ponders "doing the right thing".

8:25PM  EDT John McCain starts trashing his condo with a 2x4. Sees Katie Couric on the TV screen and swings wildly while yelling " Die Die you commie cunt". McCain instead hits wife Cindy causing a 4 inch gash to her forehead. Paramedics are called.

8:47PM EDT Huge crowds surge into Grant Park in Chicago to celebrate Obama victory, Chicago Fire Marshal announces crowd size as " pretty god-dammed big I tell you what". William Ayers not seen.

9:14PM  EDT.  Sean Hannity calls race for McCain. Claims ACORN stole the whole thing, and in fact only Negroes really voted for Obama. Meanwhile at the White House Dick Cheney makes his way past an unconscious George Bush and proceeds to the bunker.

9:33PM EDT Joe Biden has his load on and drunk dials Hillary, tells her: 
" I've always admired your ass...."

10:02PM EDT John McCain calls Obama: " Ah fuck you punk. I concede. Now kiss my ass.." McCain then jams a hundred dollar bill in his nose and snorts $120 worth of Peruvian flake in one line while sticking phone receiver down the front of his pants. Paramedics are called.

10:18PM EDT Mushroom clouds are seen rising over Terhan. 230 feet below the East Wing Dick Cheney smiles.


Tuesday, October 28, 2008

The Whole Box Of Crazy Flakes


From Huff Po

One of John McCain's advisers recently called his running mate Sarah Palin a "diva" after she went off-script at a rally, and suggested she was looking after her own political future over the current campaign. Now another adviser ups the ante in a conversation with the Politico's Playbook, labeling Palin a "whack job."

Now perhaps this is going a bit too far. Our Sarah a "whack job"? Really? Well she is certainly " whack off" material for the likes of Sean Hannity and other assorted right wing wankers; but is she a mental case? Lets consider the evidence:

1. She has repeatedly introduced john McCain as "The next President of the United States". Clear indication of delusional thinking.

2. Sarah is unsure that humans have caused global warming, and is quite sure that the earth is only 6,000 years old. More delusions or a possible fugue state.

3. Can't think of a single Supreme Court case other than Roe v. Wade. Possible Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

4. Claims she was against 'Bridge To Nowhere' when she was really in favor of it, lied about involvement in 'Troopergate', tries to impersonate a 'maverick'. Borderline Personality Disorder, Sociopathic tendencies.

5. Claims she can "see" Vladimir Putins head over the horizon. Hallucinations.

6. Thinks Obama is a terrorist, a socialist, and is unready to lead. Projection.

7. Hid latest pregnancy. Sounds kind of psycho to me....

8. Names kids after tractors. Weird if not whack-a-loonie.

9. Garbled speech, jumbled syntax. Disoriented.

10. Thinks she is qualified to be Vice President. Truly fucking insane.

...............................................................................................

Monday, October 27, 2008

Waiting For The Other Manolo Blahnik To Drop...


CNN) -- Some aides to Sen. John McCain say they weren't happy that running mate Sarah Palin went off script Sunday and turned attention back to the controversy over her wardrobe.

The Alaska governor on Sunday brought up the recent reports regarding the Republican National Committee's $150,000 spending spree on clothing and accessories for the Palin family.

Palin denounced talks of her wardrobe as "ridiculous" and declared emphatically: "Those clothes, they are not my property."

"Just like the lighting and the staging and everything else that the RNC purchased, I'm not taking them with me," she said at a rally in Tampa, Florida.

A senior McCain adviser told CNN that those comments "were not the remarks we sent to her plane." Palin did not discuss the wardrobe story at her rally in Kissimmee, Florida, later in the day.

Palin aide, however, told CNN that the governor clearly felt like she had to say something to defend herself, because "that's really not who she is."

Over the weekend, sources told CNN that long-brewing tensions between Palin and key aides to McCain were on the rise.

Several McCain advisers suggested that they have become increasingly frustrated with what one aide described as Palin "going rogue."

A Palin associate, however, said the candidate is simply trying to "bust free" of what she believes was a damaging and mismanaged roll-out.

McCain sources say Palin has gone off-message several times, and they privately wonder whether the incidents were deliberate. They cited an instance in which she labeled robocalls -- recorded messages often used to attack a candidate's opponent -- "irritating" even as the campaign defended their use. Also, they pointed to her telling reporters she disagreed with the campaign's decision to pull out of Michigan.

A second McCain source says she appears to be looking out for herself more than the McCain campaign.

"She is a diva. She takes no advice from anyone," this McCain adviser said. "She does not have any relationships of trust with any of us, her family or anyone else.

"Also, she is playing for her own future and sees herself as the next leader of the party. Remember: Divas trust only unto themselves, as they see themselves as the beginning and end of all wisdom." 

Saturday, October 25, 2008

When Do We Get To Stop Calling These Assholes "Christians"?

From The Wires:


Terrorist strikes on four American cities. Russia rolling into Eastern Europe. Israel hit by a nuclear bomb. Gay marriage in every state. The end of the Boy Scouts.

All are plausible scenarios if Democrat Barack Obama is elected president, according to a new addition to the campaign conversation called "Letter from 2012 in Obama's America," produced by the conservative Christian group Focus on the Family Action.

The imagined look into the future is part of an escalation in rhetoric from Christian right activists who are trying to paint Obama in the worst possible terms as the campaign heads into the final stretch and polls show the Democrat ahead.

Although hard-edge attacks are common late in campaigns, the tenor of the strikes against Obama illustrate just how worried conservative Christian activists are about what should happen to their causes and influence if Democrats seize control of both Congress and the White House.

Friday, October 24, 2008

WWJTPD ( What Would Joe The Plumber Do)



Word on the interwebs is that "Joe The Plumber" has a lawyer and is shopping a book deal. In the interest of being helpful, and for a small (18%) fee, here are some suggested political tittles:







1. Taking The Plunge: One Mans Descent Into Presidential Politics.

2. Mien Wrench. 

3. Profiles In Drain Clogs.

4. Butt Cracks, Roto Rooters, and The Social Security Mess: A Prescription For Change.

5. The Smell Of Success: How I Made 250K With Just A  Plunger and The American Dream.

6. Plunge It Deep: Hot Sex Tips From Joe The Plumber.

7. Cooking With Joe: 100 Recipes That Won't Result In A Clogged Toilet.

8. Just Tell 'Em To Fuck Off: A Regular Joe's Guide To Dealing With The Press.

9.  The Zen Of Float Valves.

10.  An Illustrated  History Of The Watergate Plumbers. (Forward  By G. Gordon Liddy).

Back again.........

So Ok... it's been a while. Guess what.. I'm back with a desire to write again. It seems like this may once again be a place I can ...