Saint James In The City

More Coming Soon

2010-12-11T22:41:00.001-05:00

I have been on a hitaus from blogging..but feel a screed or two on the way stay tuned!

Republican Mid Term Policy Draft.

2010-08-23T21:48:00.000-04:00

Blow Me Harry Ried

1. We are against EVERTHING. ( Except tax cuts for rich white fucks).

2. We HATE blacks, browns, muslims, gays, smart women, and people from other lands.

3. We REALLY REALLY hate Mexicans. Si se fuck 'em.

4. We LOVE big banks. They make our nasty bits moist.

5. We don't give A FLYING FUCK about vetrans, the poor, the disabled, the old, or the sick.

6. We LOVE Jesus, but don't much care for any of his ideas.

7. We HATE anybody who reads books or has an education from someplace other than Regent.

8. We totally don't give TWO SHITS about the enviroment. Fuck the future.

9. We could CARE LESS about the unemployed, or come to think of it working folk in general.

10. Our platform can be summed up in two words: " SUCK IT".

Thanks for your support.

Katrina

2010-08-23T21:26:00.002-04:00

I wake to a different place

the air heavy and damp

I'm just waiting for the bus to come, for Brownie to tell me the plan

What's next, how do we get out

Why did it rain so

Why did she go so far

I was standing in the jungle

Deep in the disaster

Geting the signal about aftershocks and drama

Loking at the grafitti on the ruins

Adieu

Maybe thats what Brownie is planning

Maybe that's what the rain means.

True North

2010-08-09T20:52:00.001-04:00

The lines are blurry now

like a coffee stained map

like crossed wires

its hard to find my bearings

some days I stand here in the south and look north past sugar mountain

looking almost all the way

to Mackinac

Michilimackinac

Which I'm allowed to say

becuase I'm a Michigander

or at least I used to be

I used to know what lakes were about, and what the pines smell like in winter

I knew about Indian names, and Hemi's and big block Chevys and FoMo Co

and Iggy fucking Pop

and maybe I stll do

Standing amid the coffee stains and jumbled wires of a life already in progress

Standing amid finisihed dreams, and summers of dust, and a thousand autums,

and another year

of lists, and maps, and memories of places that do and don't exist

Just like home

Just like true north.

Ti Ra Ra (Thank You Jesus), Voodoo Karaoke, A Gig For Kwame, and The 30 Billion Dollar Perspective Generator

2010-06-29T16:02:00.001-04:00

Haiti is a place awash in Jesus and Viagra. All the Tap Taps are decorated with religious art, airbrushed crowns of thorns and confessions of faith such as: "Merci Jesus". Driving through the nightmare landscape of post earthquake Port Au Prince, I would have thought a logo of "What the Fuck Did We Do to Deserve This?" might have been more to the point. The Haitians are a faith filled people, and express gratitude to God on a daily basis... They are also keenly interested in what they call ti ra ra, roughly translated as a "little carnival". What it really equates to is fucking all night long.... which given the heat and humidity is no small feat. I guess if one lives in a U.N. tent with dirt floors, no running water, and a distinct lack of HBO... ti ra ra makes for a nice break from the daytime Jesus talk. I thought of the billions of fuck bucks Americans spend jerking off to porn online, and it occurred to me that a one dollar surcharge on any poontang purchase could buy a hell of a lot of rice and beans for hungry Haitian kids. Here's a slogan: "Making The World Better One Wank At A Time". I know a few guys that would quickly be feeding a whole village. A Haitian told me one night that some of the Extra Crispy Kristian types have been saying that the earthquake was God's punishment for voodoo, or maybe too much ti ra ra , or heaven forbid: Gays having voodoo sissy butt sex all night. That is just the type of thing old Yahweh is likely to get real old school about..But 300k to a million dead in 35 seconds seems a bit extreme even for The Almighty OG. While we were in the small village of Brossier (just outside the epicenter in Leogane) we were treated to a voodoo welcome ceremony. The Mambo (Priestess) set up a portable P.A to run on the compounds generator, the drummers beat the tambou for hours, rum was consumed, and all the locals came to sing and dance. Everyone had a good time, I danced with the Mambo, and when we asked about the spirits possessing the Mambo we were told we would have to wait until at least 2am. I guess the spirits don't care to possess anyone before last call.

Parts of Port au Prince reminded me of 8 mile road in Detroit, minus the liquor stores and tit bars. Everything is covered in a layer of dust and soot, one junkyard spills into the next sun baked lot full of old car parts and graffiti covered walls with faded lotto adverts. (For reasons that remain unclear, Haitians play the New York numbers at small stands dotted along rutted dirt tracks even in a remote village like rBossier). The echoes of Detroit continue into Haitian politics, though I suspect there is less corruption in Haiti. All along the crumbling walls we saw spray painted messages... sort of low tech tweets, some just the sad truth of what happened in that spot ( i.e. 180 Mort), some saying goodbye: "Adieu Maria", and many asking for the return of Papa Doc: "Returnez Duvalier". Since most scientists agree that Msr. Duvalier is still one well and truly dead motherfucker, this opens the way for some other strong man to step in and get the country moving. Should Kwame ever get a weekend pass from the lockup, he might consider a quick night flight to the island. If the Haitians could over look the brutality of Papa Doc and his Mocoutes, a little sexting among friends would not raise eyebrows in PaP.

I have read that some 30+ billion has been poured into Haiti in the past 20 or 30 years. That may well be, but you'd need a team of detectives to find any evidence of it. I suspect most of the cash ended up in numbered accounts in Europe. None the less the perspective generator that is Haiti was working just fine when we were there. Even though 72 % of the people live on less than two dollars a day, they don't begrudge anyone else wealth and success. They just want some too. That is a very un-American idea. Spending time with the people of such generous spirit forces a perspective change in even the most cynical traveler. I was reminded of the meanings of suffering and redemption. I was indicted for my indifference, and convicted for my selfishness. If the arc of the universe indeed bends toward justice: then a hard rain is gonna soak you and me to the bone.

2010-06-29T16:01:00.001-04:00

The Paradise Cafe

2010-05-18T20:25:00.002-04:00

It's the kind of afternoon when lonely men grow old

an hour at a time

I see them waving from the windows of the Paradise Cafe as we slip past like northbound ghosts

Their silent image remains wrapped in blue smoke ..framed against a purple storefront

fading in the late sun, fading like the days last cigarette

fading like these small towns along the tracks

fading like loves lost memories at closing time

fading like lonely men

an hour at a time.

Out On The Rideline

2010-04-16T07:56:00.001-04:00

Evening begins

Over the radio towers, on the ridge out by Poolesville

She arrives like the late plane from Chicago

Following the River

I look to the low Sun

and try to see,

try to find the frequency, try to predict the course of things

But evening comes and morning follows

She sits alone in an imagined room

Without music

Just static between here and there

Just jet noise

And vapor trails falling to pieces

I put lights out in the trees today

Thinking that maybe the day will come

when that makes sense

When I can read the signs, the trails, the sky

Out on the ridgeline

Just before dark.

Not Ready For Prime Time

2010-03-29T20:22:00.005-04:00

I was at the 'Span today and had to watch a replay of Saturdays Tea Party "event" in Searchlight, Nevada. Before I get to the review of the stage program, let me point out a couple of things: Calling this abortion an "event" is about as accurate as calling my dog a "scientist". Also lets face it: Harry Reid really is the Anti Christ. Hell, most of my problems and yours are caused by that Mormon fuck from Shitlight. Bad cable reception? Fucking Harry Reid. Balls itch? God Damn that Harry Reid. Wife out blowing a dozen guys from the bowling league? Harry told her to. So obviously it made all the sense in the word for these Scumbag, err Tea bag boys and girls to head straight to the heart of the problem: Fleshlight Nevada. Err, Flashlight NV..Uh no it's Spotlight... err, Nitelight...whatever.. On to the review:

The Tea party Express road show rolled into Bug light Nevada this past Saturday to the cheers of a crowd estimated to number in the dozens. First off the bus was Sister Sarah Palin who delighted the crowd with a detailed description of her favorite sex toys and masturbation fantasies. Ooops, I'm sorry that was a typo. No Sarah mostly whooped and hollered about how much she hates black people. And that Harry Reid makes her twat itch or something. Next up were some” singers and “dancers”, who frankly made me ashamed to be a white person. Let me put it this way: if that shit was dancing; then Wolf Blitzer is the worlds most interesting man. And tallest. Jesus K. Christ on a stick those fuckers were lame. I loved how they would throw in lines like: "No health care reform" in between the chorus of " We're the Tea Party Express and we're rockin' through your town..". Yea they were rockin all right. They rocked so hard they made "Up With People" look like Led Zeppelin. Fuck me.

Next up was 80's semi celeb Victoria Jackson. I remember her from Saturday Night Live as the kind of waitress type girl you would fuck if you were drunk enough.... sort of like the Geico chick...(15 minutes could save you a case of blue balls). These days Ms. Jackson is older, heavier, less amusing, and a whole lot more crazy. This bitch ate the whole box of crazy flakes... hell she ate the whole fucking case. She "led" the "crowd" in a sing-along of some song she wrote about Obama is a commie... la la la..doo lang doo lang doo lang... doo wop diddy dum diddy dee. YIKES! At least Ann Coulter doesn't try to sing.

The afternoon wrapped up with some minor speakers (when Victoria Jackson is your "A" list celeb, you got trouble). My favorite among the under card Bag heads was the dude in an American flag shirt running for Senate yelling about what a brothel full of whores DC was. Well flag boy, you might want to check in with Dave Vitter on that one. Or even John Boy Ensign right there in Nevada. Plus, do you really think wearing a shirt made from Old Glory will earn you votes? If I wore a shirt with a picture of my dick on it would it help me get laid? (Trust me. it wouldn't) ..Flags and chants of USA are not patriotism my dear bag breath brethren. Although on the topic of uniforms and such, I think Sarah would look right at home in a short skirt SS outfit. Of course then Jesse James would try to fuck her, and maybe Sandra Bullock would get pissed and challenge her to a nude mud wrestling match which Glen Beck could promote and stage right there in Sea Hunt Nevada on pay per view!

Well my hemorrhoids are starting to hurt (Thanks for nothing Harry Reid) so I'm gonna wrap up, plus I have a great idea for an opening act for the wrestling match. Anybody got a number for Up With People?

Tough Shit

2010-02-26T13:14:00.007-05:00

Senator Jim Bunning (Scumbag Kentucky) muttered the words " tough shit” on the floor of the US Senate last night during debate over his objection to extending unemployment benefits for another 30 days. We should give the old jock credit where credit is due: the crazy bastard has neatly summed up the Republicans overall attitude to the struggles of the American middle class... namely: " You're on you own. And fuck you anyway".

In an attempt to be helpful, I offer the following handy dandy guide to the R's position on several other important issues:

1. You're losing your house to foreclosure. R's response: " Blow me".

2. You're kid is sick and you don't have insurance. " Boo fucking hoo asshole".

3. Your son or daughter was killed in Iraq. " Shit happens.."

4. You're an unwed mother with no income. " Suck dick next time".

5. You're in a stall at the airport next to Larry Craig. " Blow me".

To be even more helpful, let me offer a short "field guide" to help you ID some of the Republicans you may see on the Tee Vee making the above points.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY): Short white guy with look on his face like he has a 12 inch spiked electric dildo up his ass. (The KY after his name is the lube not the state.)

Senator David Vitter (R-LA) Tall white guy in a diaper with a New Orleans hooker sitting on his face. Really. I am not making this shit up. Honest.

Senator John Ensign (R-NV) White haired white guy with a twat hair stuck between his two front teeth. His folks will pay for the dental cleaning and tip his mistress 65K. Makes Mark Sanford look like Mary Poppins.

Minority Leader in the House John Boehner (R-OH). Look, the guys name is Boner. B O N E R. I don't care how he says it. It's pronounced boner. As in dick. As in penis. As in fuckstick. 'Nuff said.

Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) So crazy even John Ensign wouldn't fuck her. That's saying something.

Last but very much least we come to Senator Jim Bunning (R-KY). Former ball player. One school of though thinks he wore his jock too tight. Another holds that he got hit the head several hundred times by line drives because he was too stupid to duck. This guy is so bad that about all we can say is that he makes the rest of these bozos look like Jefferson and Lincoln. And oh..If you think my remarks are unfair..... Tough shit.

Pulled Southward

2010-02-22T14:43:00.000-05:00

She's heading south

She says she doesn't recongnize the face in the glass

So next week she'll leave, but I can follow, I can make my way

southward

Perhaps I can grow old in an undershirt

and play checkers and smoke cigars in a park

like the Cuban gentlemen do

I can squint in the afternoon sun

and drive past the shacks and pines and debris

of other peoples small dramas

Perhaps I can see things clearly

Perhaps...

There has been too little recognition,

too many departures in my time

Perhaps I can follow and wander in the heat amid the vines and beaches

No Jew I, no longer Christian, just a northern boy

pulled southward

The City Of Art and Good Intentions

2010-02-01T15:53:00.000-05:00

The planes appear over your left shoulder

suddenly

as if by magic

Great beasts following the river, banking left

revealing

The city of lies and white marble at sunset

Unwrapped, unbroken,

Full of art, and dreams of art,

and youth always on the make

Lots of fucking in this town:. lots of shady promises,

lots of empty heroes caught in black and white

The planes suprise me everytime I follow the river

I should be used to them by now, I should be used to this place

But I keep thinking it will all get better...

the stones are so pretty at sunset.

The State Of Dis Union

2010-02-01T15:31:00.001-05:00

Somewhere in an alternate universe on an alternate TV channel...

Madam Speaker, Mr. Vice President, My Fellow Americans, and you bitches on the Supreme Court. Yes I mean you Alito. The state of our union is fucked up. I don't have to tell any of you out there in Tee Vee land that, most of you are watching this on the flat screen over the hot dog machine at the 7-11 where you work a third job to try and pay the doctor bill from grandmas anal fissure surgery last summer. So have a big gulp on the house (hey Southland Corp didn’t contribute shit to me last year), and listen up people: it's time for some shit to go down!

First up: I'm gonna nationalize the banks. Those greedy motherfuckers won't be happy until all of us are living in a double wide that we owe 400 large on for 90 years at 29% interest. But I tell you what. If any of you whores in here don't like it I'll give you a choice. we can either take 'em over and start writing fair deals to Americans... or instead of nationalizing we can analize Wall Street. Line 'em up bend em over, and let every foreclosed bastard step up and "deliver some interest due". So which side of that transaction do you fuckers want to be on?

Next: Afpakiraquistan. I'm giving the Saudi's 72 hours to hand over Bin Laden. That's right, the fucking Saudi's. Don't even try to tell me you cunts don't know where he is. If I don't get a FedEx with a set of OBL balls in it in 3 days.. I'm gonna make a quick call to my posse at Cheyenne mountain. And guess what...20 minutes later Mecca is a big ass sheet of glass. You think I'm playing? Check this out: this morning at about o dark thirty, I ordered federal agents to round up Dick Cheney, Glen Beck, Ann Coulter, and Karl Rove among others on charges of Treason. We also picked up Harry Reid for being a pussy, and Rachael Maddow 'cause I want to find out if she's really queer.... anyhow they are all currently on their way to a little 'fun in the sun' in Gitmo.... so figure it out my tent headed friends... no more fucking around.. hand over the big boy or I'm gonna bust a thermonuclear cap in your Islamic ass.

Hey Wilson I thought I told you shut the fuck up last time... you want me to send the video of you in the cheerleader costume to your fucking wife ..I didn’t think so holmes.......

At this point the signal went snowy and my set returned to Nympo Snowboarders Extreme Makeover CSI or whatever NBC is running at 10 PM these days.....

What The Fucking Fuck?

2010-01-20T19:50:00.004-05:00

Ok time for some political reality.

1. The Dems are stupid.

2. The Republicans are worse.

3. The media are fucking morons.

4. The voters are the dumbest of all.

5. If you think a jag off with four houses and a truck is the second coming of Tom Jefferson, please call me ASAP about some real estate I've got in South Carolina.....

6. It's easy to say that if the Dems are so stupid then they deserve to lose, but try telling that to the family with a child denied coverage due to a pre existing condition. This shit matters, and the R's don't give a flying fuck about you or your family. Do the Dems? Well they will still fuck you in the ass, but you at least stand a chance to get a reach around.

7. The Dems problem is not that they are too liberal, it's that they act like pussys, while the R's are just lying scumbags who enjoy others misery. I say ram the individual parts of health care down the throat of the shitbags in the Senate. Dare Susan Collins to vote against a law that outlaws insurance companies from denying coverage based on pre existing conditions. Make these twats stand and be counted as what they are: whores.

8. The same glee dumb shits greeted Palin with can be seen in the results from clam chowder land, a whoop it up cackle by people who are busy sawing off the very tree limb they are stranded on... go ahead and hit yourself in the balls with a 2X4 and then tell me how you are "striking a blow for freedom". That will give you the exact same result as a vote for Scott Brown or Sarah Pale and White.

9. I have said it before, and I say it again. I could move back to Michigan and get elected this fall to the US House on a strict platform of a mortgage moratorium. No mortgage payments for one year. Its a concept as old as the Jubilee Year from scripture, and lets people save their homes, helps real estate recover, pumps money and jobs into the economy, and fucks the banks just enough to make them bleed without killing them. I will call my bill the " Strap On Mortgage Relief Act Of 2010”.

10. Wolf Blitzer should be locked in a small cage with Diane Sawyer, two feral cats, a bottle of Astroglide, and a jar of Jiffy Peanut butter. That my friends would be worth $4.99 on pay per view.

Christmas Car Talk

2009-12-26T12:08:00.004-05:00

Driving up the GW parkway the other night, watching the snow covered trees flash by, triggered a rush of memories: I thought for a moment of 1975 when my friend Kevin and I used to hang out with Rachel and Janice in their apartment above a bakery on 7 mile and Van Dyke. I can still smell the bread baking while we sat on the floor and drank Lambrusco and smoked Newports and Kools... Rachel was a titty dancer at the Grand Duchess (though she had really small tits), I was into Janice who was dark eyed and swayed just so... One time she sang a song she wrote which was stupid (and she knew it) but I still remember after all these years: " The rain is falling from the sky, falling from the clouds, falling from my eyes...” dumb lyrics but it was a sweet moment that she shared... later that year she invited me up north to see her and her new boyfriend on his 'ranch' somewhere way the fuck up near Mackinaw. I was young and dumb enough to think "why not?' and so I drove my Chevy up there in January.rolling past snow covered pines for hours... till I got there and promtly put my Nova in a ditch on the 'ranch' driveway. Anyhow I remember Janice, her boyfriend (who kept saying to her: "God Damn woman it's 1975!), and I dropped mescaline and played pool at the local bar with the rednecks. I was quite a sight in those days, a super skinny kid with red hair down to his ass, and a fancy leather jacket with zippers all over it. Some how I managed not to get my self killed by the redneck locals or the cowboy boyfriend... and I can still picture the ride back to the ranch that night in his van... no heat, Janice in the passenger seat, cowboy driving, me hanging on to her armrest sitting on the cold floor, pines and snow banks flashing by at 80 MPH, the three of us tripping our brains out.... seeing her breath in the air...and a sadness in her eyes that she'd ended up with this guy, knowing I'd never see her again, and hearing his refrain... "God damn woman, it's 1975..."

Driving along I got another flash of a Christmas eve car ride when I was about 7 or 8... my dad had a 1961 Comet , and I can remember sitting in the back seat watching the big lit up yellow pages sign along side the freeway as we drove home from my grandpa's house, old spice and whiskey smells in the cold dark car, mixed with a hint of exhaust (the Comet was a real piece of shit) ... my mother huddled as close as she could get to the passenger door, her lips pursed....unhappy with my fathers drinking... her face lit by the glow from the dash and the streetlights.... for some reason this image is often the one I recall when I think of our family. I guess it sums it up.

That image flashed forward to Nicki in the front seat of my 200SX... we were driving on a wet and dark Telegraph road one Holiday in the '80s and someone cut me off. I had the reflex somehow to make just the right lane change at high speed. And she looked at me and said: "nice job"... I felt like John Wayne... and I remember her hair was so black her flecks of purple highlights shone like diamonds in the light from passing cars....

I remembered a time I was driving home from Toledo up I-75 in the crappy used Mazda I bought when Casey was back in England and "Tasha and I were living at the lake in Howell... some douche bag did a 3 lane dash for his exit right in front of me. This time either my reflex wasn't so fast or the tires couldn’t hold, but I spun 4 times at 70MPH before sliding into the shoulder grass.... all the while seeing Tasha's face wondering what would become of her...

Of course enough Christmas's have passed that I can tell how the story turned out... my folks are long dead, Nicki’s long in England, Janice and Rachael and Kevin are just ghosts of memory,Tasha remains safe at home with Casey and I, but sometimes.... when the headlights play off the snowdrifts just right... I hear a voice singing: "The rain is falling from the sky......

The View From The 39th Floor

2009-12-17T07:23:00.003-05:00

New York is full of German tourists

They're marching around the Empire state

There's a woman on TV from Brooklyn

Drinking soup in the wind

(I guess that's news, though no one mentions the Germans)

Macy's is full of knifes and red ribbons

And the old women bitch in the basement about the service

I look out my window to the statue in the south

And see two holes in the sky

New York is full of ghosts ascending

Though no one notices, not even the Germans.

Swept Away

2009-12-05T14:50:00.002-05:00

This time of year night falls like a razor

Landing each afternoon like the Mason Dixon line

Dividing north from south and blue from grey

As the colors fade into Christmas.

This time of year night falls and renders asunder

that which was joined

that which was promised

by elfin children,

who grow to be shadows

long now in the weak winter light.

This time of year the choirs sing the songs of Vietnamese barbers

Gloria Gloria snip snip buzz

While the walkers search the seaside for bargains

And the hunters long for love to fall

Like a razor

Like a shadow

Like a lock of golden hair

swept away at twilight.

Clean Up On Aisle Three, Cut Price Salvation, and Thar' Blows Joe (Reprise)

2009-10-28T18:18:00.002-04:00

The other day we were at K-MART for some 'high end' shopping, and right smack doodley dab in the front aisle was a life size Jason robot with a plastic swing blade swinging up and down in his right hand. As I stood in line waiting to buy my Jacyln Smith authentic rubberized door mat* I noticed several ADULTS stop by the Jason display to touch the plastic knife blade... checking to see if it was real. What in the name of Holy Jumping Fucking Jesus were these dumb shits thinking: " Hmm I wonder if K-MART uses real knifes in the Halloween display.. that would be kind of cool...". Yuh think so Sparky?? I imagine the K-MART lawyer making a call something like this: " You what? A real fucking knife...?? Five amputations??? Did you at least put up a warning sign: Caution crazy as shit store manager thought it would be fun to use real razor sharps knifes in the display??? Argggggggggg!"
The whole thing served as yet another reminder that we have some seriously dumb motherfuckers walking around.

Elsewhere in the store I noticed an entire clearance rack of votive style candles with pictures of Jesus on sale for a buck each. Now I have not seriously thought Jesus would save my soul since I was about 17, but it sure is nice to see the Lord can save a feller some money. I had to wonder though: does this sale rack of discount saviors mean a certain lack of ..err fervor has crept into our fine Christian zip code? If sales of Jesus Style Scented Holiday Family Aroma Therapy (made in China) Stop The God-Damn Gays From Marrying Candles are down....... does this not mean that evil is on the rise? Are we praying hard enough, is there too much interweb butt based sex type stuff going on in our towns nether regions? I believe I have spotted what we scientists** like to call a 'leading indicator' of moral decline. So friends let me warn you... that we have trouble, right here in G -Burg city.. with a capital 'T' and that rhymes with 'C' and that stands for candles. So be a sport: stop looking at your favorite interknob site: " "Big Ass Lesbo NAZI Cheerleaders In Jail" and spend a buck. You might just be staving off Armageddon.

Speaking of NAZI whores, when in the fuck is somebody gonna give that mumbling stuttering prick Joe
Lieberman the parliamentary slap down he deserves. The latest from this senile fuck is that he thinks he will vote with the R's to prevent an up or down vote on heath care reform in the Senate. Really Joe? I'm surprised you were able to take the big Insurance Company dick out of your mouth long enough to call Harry Reid with the news. And this guy is still the Chairman of the Homeland Security Committee? Holy Fucking Double Dong Douche Bag Batman! I think it's high time we reassign Ol'Joe to a committee more in keeping with his... err skills. How about 'The Senate Select Sub Committee On Reach Under Handjobs... ..what?... Oh Larry Craig's got that one .. Joint Committee on Silly Fucks In Diapers with Hookers... huh? Dandy Dave Vitters got it you say... ..Hmmm ... Wait wait ..I know: Maybe Harry can send Joe on a fact finding mission somewhere.... like checking into the safety of in store Halloween displays.. ....

(*) Kind of a bring down... in the 70's boys used to er..picture Ms Smith while they umm er.. prepared for bed, now we just use her products to wipe our shoes...

(**) I drove past a Holiday Inn Express..which makes me closer to Big Al Einstein than any of those morons on cable Tee Vee expounding on their ideas about how men and dinosaurs co- existed, thus making the Flintstones the first doc-u-drama.

With A Rebel Yell, Evening Falls (So Hard), And Major Ali Explains Things

2009-10-21T13:30:00.011-04:00

Doing a day shift at the Tee Vee machine the other day I rode the 3:50pm train home from Union Station. The conductor is a guy named Frank, and his speciality is his boarding call at each station. Most conductors these days just use their radio walkie talkie to tell the choo choo driver it's ok to go, but Frank is serious old school. At each stop he leans out the door and gives a long loud ' alllaboooooooooooooooard....." fol owed by the most blood chilling 100% aged in the south ' yeeeeeeee hawwwwwwwww!' you ever did hear in your cotton picking life. I've ridden this train with Frank dozens of times, and until now never really considered how a black person might react to all the yee-hawing. Franks is a huge bear of a man, and I have no earthly idea if he has ever had a racist thought. Still.. given the history of race relations in this country, and given the fact that this train runs right past Antietam on it's way up to Martins burg .. I wonder. Of course if some of our Republican friends ran the railroad I suspect that all the conductors would be Johhny Reb yelling (and wearing pointy hoods).

In my nightstand I keep a report I received years ago from the adoption agency that placed me when I was very young The report reads like a blacked out highly redacted CIA document, but gives the only background information I have ever had about my birth parents. Every now and then I'm drawn to open the drawer and re-read the section about my birth mother. She is described as working as an usherette at the time of my birth, and being a 'sullen somewhat sad person'. The document offers no real clues as to her identity, and I've never tried to find her or my father. I doubt if they are alive still, but sometimes, when the evening falls just so, and the night is made of velvet ... sometimes I wonder about her. Was it as hard as I imagine to give up a child? Or did she steel herself, not let herself feel it.. never looking back? Was she pretty? What did her laugh sound like..or did she not have much reason for laughing. Sometimes, when the evening falls so hard....I take these coffee stained papers... and read them again.... Always before the morning, I fold them and place them carefully back in the drawer.

Last week my great CERT volunteers and I had a chance to participate in some cool training with a combination of Fire Rescue, Military, and Federal Secret Squirrel types for two days in Virginia. The military folks were absolutely wonderful to work with: patient, kind, funny, and competent as hell.I had the pleasure of working with combat vet named Major Ali, who swapped stories with me about stupid media types we have known. He told me a bout a dumb shit reporter who asked the Major how a battle was going one day in Sadar City as bullets whizzed over their heads pinning down our guys. Being a decent sort the Major just laughed at him and said: " What do you think Sparky?". I would have said: " I dunno, how's about you pop yer head up and take a look see...." I'm glad we have men like Major Ali serving our country, and it's probably a good thing I'm not the media liaison for anything. One time at a fire I was standing with my EMS crew watching flames shoot 50 feet into the air from the roof of an unoccupied townhouse, while our wagon and truck boys and girls worked to get a knock on the fire. A civilian tapped me on the shoulder and asked: "You guys got it under control yet...?" Stupid is as stupid does whether in Baghdad or Rockville I suppose.

The World Is Full Of Gods

2009-10-17T18:14:00.002-04:00

Everything is made of water, and the world is full of Gods

Born in tears we vanish in smoke

The scientists say there's a ribbon of light half way to the stars

(they can make us remember things that never were)

We are all made of the same stuff, we begin and end in the same place

Heads full of vague memories

of Gods and ribbons

The scientists say that music is mathematics

the world is held together by notes, and strings, and harmonies

The lovers remember the melody

The children recall the rhythm

The dogs and dreamers remember the world as it was

as it really is

full of Gods slowly drowning.

Robert De Niro's Waiting ( Talking Italian), None Dare Call It Treason ( But I Will)

2009-09-30T13:22:00.008-04:00

Okay ..here's what I think the 'O' man needs in this so called heatlh care 'debate': a bit more of the stick and a lot less of the carrot. This is what I would like to see:

As Senator Max Bacus makes his way to the door of the hearing room, he is intercepted by a smiling Don Rickles: " Excuse me Senator..can I just have a word with you.. on behalf of big pharma we'd just like to let you count your cash in private.. you know what I mean .. right this way". As Rickles guides Bacus through the double doors to the service corridor we see President Obama waiting with a hammer in his hand... " What's it gonna be Senator? The Public Option or the hammer?"

Speaking of dropping the hammer... the inter webs are a-buzz about the NewsMax editorial calling for ( or was it predicting) a military coup in this country against President Obama. Well Sparky..from where I sit, that there is treason pure and simple.... I didn't vote for Geo W Bush..( or his daddy, or Reagan , or Nixon..etc) but I didn't call for a coup. ( I suspect Dubbya would assume that a coup is a two seat sports car as in little deuce...). On a similar note, let me make one thing very clear: Glen Beck is just a top 40 Morning Zoo jock run amok who is in it for the money. They all are. None of those guys, Beck, Hannity, Limbaugh.. really believes most of the shit they say. Let put it another way: they mean what they say in the same way I meant it when I used to say that Pink Floyd was my favorite band. Yeah right... we are all just Ho's for the money... the only difference being that I never incited violence, racial hatred, or preached treason... (of course if I had maybe I'd be rich and on Tee Vee right now). I used to think I didn't have TV looks.. after all TV guys are just DJ's with better hair.. but after taking a look at the Glenster... well hell this guy has the wild eyed look of a chronic masturbator and Iborgaine addict.... It seems that the rant is all that counts these days. I actually watched about 10 minutes of Herr Beckenfurher the other night. He was railing on about Communism, socialism, and social justice.... and I thought: "Errr? social justice?? He's against it??" Well yes indeedy fuckie do my little snow fakes... in the Alice in Wunderland bizzaro universe of these jack booted jerk offs... up is down, black is white, and social justice is bad, bad, bad. The whirring sound you hear is Thomas Aquinas in his grave on spin dry. What the fuck is wrong with these people? Say what you will about Tail Gunner Joe, or Father Charlie... one was a drunk, and one a power mad true believer..... neither of them got into 'the biz' just for cheap blow jobs and free concert tickets. Hey Glen... come over here for a second... Don Rickles wants to see you..........

Big Daddy Boom Boom and The Children Of Light ( With Footnotes)

2009-09-25T22:10:00.005-04:00

There is a fireworks store down the road from our condo in Myrtle Beach called "Big Daddy Boom Boom". I think that would make a great name for a swing band, and is the name I use for the old school God of the Yah-boobs. First a bit of background on our beloved home away from home in South Carolina. My wife and I were there for Christmas, and I noted that the only things open for business on Christmas day were: Pancake Joints, The Sex Toy & DVD shop, and Ammunition stores. I don't know about you friend, but nothing helps me celebrate our dear saviors birth like trying out a brand new pocket pussy while watching 'Super Shiny Butts Volume 12", eating a double stack with blueberry syrup, and firing my AK-47 at all the 'good parts' of the movie. Hoo wee buddy... hell yes... Bam Bam ! "Honey pass me some more lube and another pancake please..."(*) (**).

Anyway. here is my point: we live in country where at least a third of the people think we should base our common destiny on the 'information' they 'receive' from their imaginary invisible friend who seems to spend most of his time making lists and checking them twice. Years ago I read a book called "Your God Is Too Small" which talked about how most people have a childish conception of the divine that varies between a cosmic Santa ( he sees you when you're sleeping so get your hand out of your jammies!) and a Big Daddy Boom Boom who gets his rocks off smiting people. To believe in a 'God" who would punish folks who won't say the 'right' magic words, or get squiggly in the 'right' Jesus panties(***), or wear the 'right' special hat while facing in the 'right' direction..... to believe in such a 'God" is to reduce the almighty to the level of a cosmic Eichman: forever busy figuring train schedules for the damned. Any theology that says: "I'm in and you're out" by definition makes a Nazi out of the divine. A Big Daddy who spends eternity making people go 'boom' just because they fell in love with the wrong person(****), or had the poor taste not to be born in America.... isn't worthy of belief, let alone worship, or serving as the basis for a public agenda. The sad reality is that millions of Americans are in thrall to this ersatz version of 'Christianity' , are somehow convinced that God only speaks to Republicans.

It's easy enough to take shots at other peoples beliefs, so perhaps the time has come to put my money down and make my confession, Here is my credo:

I believe in a God who loves like a good father, who makes all that is seen and unseen.. the mother holding her sick child, the old man dying alone, the lonely and forgotten, all unseen, all dressed in 'rags of light', all his children gathered from east to west and age to age ... offering song in the morning, and blood on a Memphis balcony at evening time... I believe in a poor mans son who brings justice to workers, and eyesight to the blind. I believe in bread and wine like Melchizedek did, I believe in friends for the long road. and mercy in the small hours of the night...I believe in a Lord who is our brother and meets us in the cool of the garden at dawn.

And I believe that it will be a cold day at the beach when Jimmy Dobson, or any of those oily white boy George Wallace wanna-be's understand a word of the preceding paragraph. Perhaps one day they will, and then we can all go down to the river with sparklers and fireworks to sing a chorus of Boom Boom Hallelujah. I'm not holding my breath waiting for that day. Now if you'll excuse me.. I'm getting low on ammo and pancakes.

(*) Boom Boom: Why do all these porno movies have multiple volumes, i.e. " Big Swedish Titties Volume 16" Are there that many plot lines to explore? Does anybody ever say: " Yeah volumes 1-15 were crap, but Holy Jumpin' Jizz Rag Batman. volume 16 is the bomb!"

(**) Bang Bang: I used to hang out with a jeweler named Bobby who liked to lay around his big old house outside Detroit and snort smack while shooting a 357 into the ceiling. Take away lesson: never live upstairs from a junkie jeweler who packs heat.

(***) Wham Bam: Some Mormons wear 'special garments' as underwear, colloquially referred to as "Jesus Jamies". When I was in Salt Lake I heard the story of how some of the 'upstanding' men of the Church would wear their garments to certain types of 'entertainment venues', resulting in 'special stains".

(***) Poof!Poof!

Explaining September

2009-09-22T14:01:00.001-04:00

They say we fall in love with the season of our birth

Maybe that explains September

Or maybe it’s something about the light, or the tress in the lane

Maybe it's about the slow release of summer... a dying kiss...a whisper

Perhaps September is about a vision of winter

Waiting over the horizon.... far off like a distant range... blue and shimmering in the long haze

Maybe September explains me, my distances, my sadness, my beautiful aches

Or maybe September is just for the tasting, the embrace, the memories,

Maybe just for the joy.

Longer Boats, Blue Jag Jag Off, and Knights in White Satin

2009-09-17T15:10:00.007-04:00

I spent last weekend once again in the belly of the beast at my condo in South Carolina . We had a great weekend, perfect weather, empty beaches, and I was starting to think I wouldn't have anything to write about even though we were once again in the heart of Jesusland. Oh me of little faith; lo and behold on the last night of our stay we came home from dinner to find a 130 foot super luxury yacht moored at the fuel dock in our marina. Holy nautical overkill Batman! This thing was fucking huge, and incredibly beautiful. My best guess is that some scumbag banker made enough from our tax bailout to drop a cool 20 million or so on this bad boy. I noticed the ship was registered in Bikini Marshall Islands, which is an off shore flag of convenience registry for a boat built in Florida. It is also worth noting that the Bikini Atoll is where we ( or was it the French ) used to test H- Bombs. Maybe it would be fitting if we made these rich pricks actually live there for a year before they could register their super duper-look at the size of my dick- floating fuck pads there. I figure after about a year in the hot zone their balls will glow in the dark enough to help them find their way to the 'poop deck' during those dark nights at sea.

As my neighbors and I stood on the dock and admired this beautiful yacht, we were suddenly joined by a good 'ole boy in a blue Jag XK, who zoomed up and strode over to us. He loudly informed us that this gigantic personal cruise ship in front of us wasn't big enough for his tastes, he was looking for a 140 footer: and by the way he owns a fuel company, a port in Charleston, and a P-51 airplane One could only surmise he was also the proud owner of a tiny, tiny penis.The 'gent' in question then explained how he doesn't pay a "48 percent Obama tax". keeps his money offshore in the Virgin Islands, hates blacks and women drivers, and thinks we are all chumps, He snorted, said we could all kiss his ass,climbed back in his Jag and left. I turned to my friends and said: "I think we just met Joe Wilson's chief fundraiser...".

This man was full of hate, rage, and my guess would be plenty of 12 year old single malt. I felt that I was standing inches away from the angry red white and blue eyed face of the Republican Party circa 2009. Put a sheet on this rich twats head and you got yourself a Grand Cyclops..... except I believe that gig is already taken by a certain J. Wilson of Colombia S.C. Oh well, I suppose one could always start a chapter overseas... say somewhere in the Marshall Islands....... I'm sure there are plenty of extra sheets on board the yacht.

Gypsy Dreams

2009-09-08T11:37:00.001-04:00

She said the pills make her dream of gypsies

I said, I must be getting old.... I dream of building a fire and painting by the water

I said, the summer is gone
Let's go to Carolina

Let's walk through gardens
Let's touch the waves from Africa
Let's remember music

Let us dream of gypsies

Stairway To Heaven, Jesus in The Parking Lot,and The Seven Hundred Thousand Dollar Umbrage Machine..

2009-09-08T09:56:00.008-04:00

We ran a call last Friday night helping a woman who had her toes amputated get up her stairs. The lady was a true southern charmer, you could hear the honey in her voice, and you could see that once upon a time she had the men lining up for a taste. Her home was filled with beautiful feminine antiques, a piano with ivory inlays, a beaux arts desk, everywhere summer hats and frilly scarves... all a bit faded in the waning summer light. It seemed that she, like her home, was.. fading.. slipping away, yet still beautiful. She thanked us deeply for carrying her up the stairs to her bed, and promised us that when she got better we'd all be invited for a grand party. I knew, and I think she knew, there would be no getting better. It was a sad sweet moment, and I wondered if we all one day get to a tipping point like that; a point where we know we won't ever feel young again, a day when one notices the shadows growing longer, a day when you feel the first shiver of winter.

Speaking of shivers, I couldn't help but notice the full parking lot as I drove past the local Mega First Baptist Church Of Wall Mart or whatever the fuck they call the local yahboob palace last Sunday. I got to wondering how is it that these places can be so full, and produce people with such cold hearts. I'm pretty sure most if not all of your Glen Beck Tea Bag Anti Obama Fuck the Poor We Don't Need No God Damn Health Care type screamers attends one of these mega moron joints. And If not, I'll wager you a crisp hundred that 98% of them would describe themselves as 'Christian'. I guess the question I have for these folks is the existential Christian question posed by Jesus himself: "who do you say I am?". Define your Christ folks,,,is he not seen in the poor? In the broken? In the sick? In the immigrant? And if he isn't, then where do you find him? Whom is it you claim to worship? I'd love an answer, but I don't expect I'll get one.

When I was in college we used to joke that the 'professional' Tee Vee guys had such great equipment that they probably had a special $700,000 'glitch' machine just to make stuff look crappy when they wanted to simulate amateur video. (Our stuff looked crappy for free). I thought of the glitch machine while reading the inane comments of the Palinistas complaining about Obamas speech to the kiddies today. God forbid the president should speak to school kids... why..why he might put socialized pluralistic communistic fluoridated type scientific ideas in their tiny little head spaces, and the very next thing you know they will be smoking Ecstasy and running a death panel while playing video games. So the good folks at the Family Research Christian Family American Anti Commie Family Jesus Center just press a button and crank up the magic umbrage machine..and before you can say "Holy Shit Birds Batman", the airwaves are flooded with sweaty jerk offs whining about the latest "assault' and 'insult'. These people are every bit as crazy as the Muslim nuts who riot every time someone draws a cartoon of Mohamed smoking hash in Amsterdam. Hmm I wonder if old Osama Bin Fuckwad has anything besides a dialysis machine in that cave of his... maybe something worth about ..oh 700 grand or so......

The Derby Gets Rained Out, Lyndon Explains It All, And I Try The Methodist Diet

2009-08-23T15:16:00.004-04:00

The last couple of days at the fair consisted of dust bowl like heat conditions followed by biblical monsoons and Woodstock anniversary mud puddles. Sweltering in the heat I realized that some genius in the "planing" department ( these guys are to the concept of 'planing' as the Detroit Lions are to the concept of 'winning') decided that the nice shady part of our worksite would be the perfect place to put the air-conditioned 'command' trailer; while the open front tents for doing public outreach could sit directly exposed to the mid day sun and heat. Bosses sit in the air-conditioned shade while workers and the taxpayers sweat their corn dog swollen sweaty balls off. Where's Karl Marx when you need him?

Friday night the skies opened just as the Demolition Derby was getting underway... causing several thousand 'sports fans' ( the Demo Derby is a 'sport' just like Thomas Kincade is an 'artist') to run for their lives and seek cover under the bleachers. Some of these die hards waited a couple of hours in the rain hoping to see some crash for clunkers before heading back home to their trailer parks. If I seem to have an attitude about "Derby Fans" ... .maybe it's because I've seen these people up close. Three hundred pounds, bad teeth, mullets, Skynrd tee shirts, and a 249 ounce big gulp (and that' just grandma). Let me put it this way: Demolition Derby fans make NASCAR aficionados look like an opening night crowd at the Bolshoi..... Yikes.....

My neighbor Lyndon explained all this to me the other day : " We just don't have no good Monster Trucks around here... you gotta go to the midwest to see that. Them folks know what's what with a big ass loud monster fucking truck.." The man has a point... my home-state of Michigan may have the economic outlook of a Kosher Deli in Kandahar.... but we sure as holy jumping fucking Jesus can make a pickup truck that's 35 feet tall and loud enough to make the Virgin Mary herself shit her drawers every-time that bad boy steps on the gas. Whoo wee!

Speaking of gastrointestinal disorders... I've spent the last nine days eating hot dogs and cole slaw from the Bethesda Methodist 'pavilion' . This seems to be pretty much a low rent version of the Hollywood Detox diets... I don't think it's done me any good from a heath stand point ... but at least I've had a chance to see that most endangered of species up close: The Bethesda Methodist. They can normally be identified in the field by their pink Izod golf shirts, and exceedingly dour expressions. In over a week of dealing with the same guy at the counter.....his entire conversation with me consisted of: " Here's your dog... (grunt)". Good PR Meth-Ohs.... I bet you'll get a lot of sign ups..... maybe even as many as the Strobe Light Wankers down the midway. Now if you'll excuse me, I feel an urgent need to shop for an Izod golf shirt.

Oh Baby Just You Shut You Mouth (Continued)

2009-08-18T07:46:00.003-04:00

They are back again. The whacky Church Of The Holy Strobe Light boys and girls at the county fair. Once again they are set up in a tent across from our 'Safety Village" with their China Girl pantomime of whips and matrix costumes, and poses to the tune of Mission Impossible. I think it"s more like "Comprehension Impossible" ...but maybe that's just me. They have a sign that says something about the battle between God and Satan. Kind of like "Paradise Lost' if Milton had been a Chinese teenager who liked to jack off to black and white pictures of Barbara Bain.

Anyway.... they were back at it with endless repeats of the same weird skit..... until today; when the whole troupe of 20 - 30 of them made their way en masse over to our Moon Bounce, only to be disappointed that this 'ride' is only for little kids....not sexy China Dolls involved in heavy spiritual warfare on behalf of the IMF team. I was kinda hoping to see 'em bounce if you know what I mean.. although I'm sure this thought was planted in my brain by Satan.

Later on I wandered down to the food stand (next to the "Goat Barn") to get a hot dog. It turns out that the stand is run by some Methodists from Bethesda, whose idea of customer service consisted of refusing to give my friend her receipt, and insisting that her small coke was in fact a large one. I asked if they expected her to multiply the loaves and colas..but they didn't seem to find that funny at all. Bethesda Methodists are not generally known for their sense of humor. Next time I'm hungry I think I'll just follow the boys and girls from the Hanky Spanky Matrix Church. I don't know if I'll find a good hot dog, but I bet they know where to get some great pics of Barbara Bain.......

Maybe The Yellow Moon

2009-08-12T11:22:00.006-04:00

I wake often

In the blue before dawn

Visited by the tender mercies, the sorrowful passions, the glorious mysteries

I see my daughter bent at the dishes... in the summer evening .... grown now

I add up the dead and remember the dying

Then I count the futures that got away.. or maybe still remain

in another place, seen in another light,

Maybe I live in London

Maybe New York

surrounded by children and magic

Maybe I live in California ..

and drink red wine with a blond haired woman each sundown

Maybe there are a thousand lives being lived under my name

under the morning sky,

under the setting sun,

Maybe under the yellow moon.

No Tears In Aisle Three

2009-08-12T11:21:00.000-04:00

Back from Detroit over the weekend with random observations, thoughts, and a question or two:

I heard stories everywhere of the economic devastation. Michigan is not just in a recession..it's real damn close to a depression: A Target store cashier breaks into tears and tells my friend that she just got laid off from her full time job and now all she has left is the part time gig that won't make the nut... a woman told me that last week was the slowest week ever at the pool hall/ bar she owns, and when drinking and shooting pool are down in Detroit.. well that's like finding out folks stopped jerking off in San Francisco.... Holy Leading Indicator Batman...

I also noticed far less traffic on the roads than I remember..my friend explained that " people don't have any money to go anywhere...." but almost no cars on 12 mile road on a Saturday night was straight up spooky.....

And then I watch the Tee Vee machine to see a trash mob lady holding a bible up screaming how she doesn't want health care reform... which makes about as much sense as holding up Das Capital by Marx while screaming that you don't like commies...... God these people are extra crunchy stupid ( not to mention irony free). I suspect most of these folks also don't believe in evolution, the scientific method, separation of church and state, and multi-syllabic words.......

Last thing we did was go to a very well attended Moody Blues show... (otherwise known as an AARP rally) ... I sensed a real nostalgia in the crowd not just for the harmonies and great songs of our youth... but for the sense that we could change the world...that we were going to be different somehow, that we would balance our ideals with our ambitions.....yet somehow we ended up with the TV mob people shouting down compassion... isn't life strange indeed

Hate Speech

2009-08-02T10:17:00.003-04:00

Thanks to the crack investigative work by our friends in tin hats on the right, we can now sum up what we know about 'President' Obama:

He is NOT an American. He was in fact born on a small planet in the Farakan star system and secretly smuggled in to Kenya where he forged his birth certificate from Hawaii in 1961 at the age of 3 months.

He hates America, and has quietly given the launch codes to Michael Moore, Demi Moore, and Dandy Don. Since our last best hope Sarah Palin quit..this means we are pretty much fucked and Putin will be in Denver by spring.

His 'Health Care' plan is really a a version of old Joe Stalins 1939 plan to kill old people and turn them into Soylent Green style meat patties. McDonalds is already building a huge plant outside Tulsa. Really. You can check it out.

He hates Christians and has a plan to force all of them into slave labor camps in Mexico working for Sonya Sotomayor making frilly underwear for 'wise Latina's".

He plans to tax us all at the rate of 120% and give the money to his homosexual robot overlords.

He hates white people,, White Castle, the White Sox, Barry White, White Rice, White Bread, and Snow White and at least six of her dwarfs.

He is a demon, a devil, an evil doer, and the antichrist. He is WORSE than Bill Clinton, and only Sean, Glen, Rush, and Dick Cheney stand between us and the eternal abyss.

If you believe any of the above, please call me immediately to discuss an exciting real estate opportunity in South Florida......

DC Confidential ( Scene One)

2009-07-18T13:30:00.003-04:00

Interior Daytime. Sam is seated at a desk in a 1940's stlye office with file cabinets, a leather couch, ..the late afternoon sun slants through the venitian blinds as smoke curls from a ciggarette Sam lights with a silver zippo. A trenchcoat and fedora hang on a coat rack in the corner, and as the camera pans we can see the lettering on the glass door " Sam Spade. Capitol Hill Private Eye"

Sam VO: It was a slow Wednesday afternoon here in the city of broken dreams... the usual collection of bums, cheaters, and two time losers had paraded through by four o'clock.. by now they were all back in their Senate offices. I was about to reach for the bottle of liquid solace I kept in the top desk drawer like I did every day about this time when she came though my door. I smelled trouble the minute she sat down and crossed those beautiful gams.

The 'Woman In Red' enters. She is about 30, blonde and buxom with a tight red dress, high heels, long gloves, ruby lips and a sway when she walks...

Woman: " Are you Mr Spade?"

Sam: " Like it says on the door sweetheart..."

Woman: " Well Mr Spade I was hoping you could help me with a missing persons case..."

Sam: " Missing person huh ... Who might the person be?'

Woman " It's my husband Mr Spade... My husband the governor.. I think he's in Argentina"

Sam VO; So that was how it started..... before this case was through she'd have me chasing half way around the hemisphere.... not your run of mill missing governor case, they usually turn up at the Mayflower with a hooker or two. No this one was different..

Woman: " I'm sure my husband is with another woman..he just hasn't been himself ever since he fell into that C street crowd, and started hanging around with that awful Mr Kyl........"

To Be Continued............

DIY Republican Press Conference Mad Libs

2009-07-10T10:43:00.005-04:00

Good Morning / Afternoon / Evenning / Whatever the fuck time it is....

I would like to ______________ ( 1. apologize, 2. deny, 3. insist ) that I ___________ ( 1. never was, 2. always was, 3. stopped) having ___________ ( 1. sex with, 2. anal sex with, 3. money transferred to ) my __________ (1. mistress, 2. girlfriends mothers next door neighbor, 3. pastors wife).

It has never been my policy or practice to _______________ ( 1. cum on someone’s clothing, waste taxpayer money on weak booze and bad drugs, 3. admit to criminal wrong doing).

I intend to____________ (1. fight these charges, 2. flee the country, 3. attempt to remove the evidence with dry cleaning fluid.).

My accusers are __________ (1. members of the elite media, 2. Drunk assholes, 3. a bunch of know it all motherfuckers who can kiss my dick).

Thank you and may God bless America.

Top Ten AWOL Excuses Gov Sanford Could Have Tried

2009-06-28T09:58:00.005-04:00

10. I was holed up in a Howard Johnson's Motel in Trenton with a bad case of jock itch.

9. I was on a secret NASA mission to Uranus.

8. I was with Dorothy and the Tin man in Oz.

7. I was in line at the DMV.

6. I have no idea where I've been, last thing I remember is doing shots at the airport bar with a hooker named Trixie.

5. I was here all the time, damn it must be that new invisible suit I was wearing...

4. I was detained by the CIA at an undisclosed location.

3. I was banging the shit out of my girlfriend in Argentina... nah just kidding .... Psych!

2. Missing? What do you mean? What day is it? Oh shit where did this blood come from?

1. I was in the bathroom.

Rock & Roll High School ( With Sirens). Joe Jumps Up, Back To The Bolshoi

2009-06-22T20:10:00.003-04:00

I went back to duty Friday night after about 4 months off.. and was once again struck by how many young volunteers we have. 17, 18 , 19 year old kids riding fire trucks and ambulances, and most of them doing a damn good job. In a lot of ways the fire house is like hanging out in the parking lot after school...smoking cigarettes, telling bullshit stories, flirting, just acting cool...the difference between these kids and my High School friends is this: we just went home, theses kids hop on trucks and fly down the street with sirens blaring. (All I had that blared was the radio in my '68 Dodge Dart.) All in all a good bunch of kids, and I'm glad to be back.

Saturday night my friend Joe's band was playing down the block so we all went to sit out at the Tiki bar and listen to them play 70's funk and oldies. Sitting with us ( on two seat cushions he brought in a shopping bag) was Joe's 80 something year old Dad. He and I had a nice chat about the Big band era while we watched his sons band play.. In the middle of a song Joe did a little Rod Stewart style leg kick thing and then his dad got a huge grin on his face and said: "Oh look, Joe jumped up". You could tell it was the same pride he had when Joe was a boy and did something right. A sweet moment, and it made me miss my dad. A fathers pride is a wonderful thing.

Sunday we were back at the Kennedy Center for the Bolshoi ballet. I have seen a fair number of companies over the years but no one can touch the Bolshoi for sheer perfection and beauty. Iam more convinced than ever that one can glorify the divine on pointed toe as well as bended knee. Magnificent!

Rock& Roll Whoppers

2009-06-18T07:32:00.001-04:00

More Rock & Roll Stories: It was great running into my old pal Steve Kostan in the Dee last week. I haven't seen Steve for years, but seeing him triggered a couple of memories: Once we were driving to a charity basketball gig in some out of the way place when we were both jocking at the old WABX. We were pretty lost and pretty late so we pulled into a 7-11 to ask for directions. As we walked through the door we saw a long line waiting at the counter. Since time was of the essence, Steve immediately announced in a loud voice: " We are DJ's and we need directions". .." He may as well have said " We are from the planet Zontar and we are here to give free rectal probes" if one were to judge based on the puzzled looks we got. We teach junior rescue rangers in the fire department how to use a 'command voice' in an emergency, but nobody has ever done a better job of getting a room to shut the fuck up than Steve did that night.

I met Steve in college at WMU in Kalamazoo, where for a time we both lived off campus in a house with 9 other guys. Steve had a room upstairs, I had a cot next to the washing machine in the basement...and neither of us had any money, so we had to get creative when it came to the pursuit of women. I marvel to this day at the pure genius of the stratagem that Steve came up with: We would go up to the Burger King about 1:30 in the morning when the girls were stopping for a bite after drinking all night in the bars. This was brilliant for three main reasons:

1. The ladies were already drunk.
2. We didn't have to buy them anything more expensive than an order of fries.
3. If we didn't get laid we at least got something to eat.

A year or two later Steve helped me get my first gig at 'ABX, and my very first night on the air a woman named PJ that was totally out of my league and a stone cold drop dead stunner, just dropped by the studio to " hang out". I realized real quick that station 'X' was a thousand times better than Burger King, and being a radio star had a more powerful effect than springing for a Cheese Whopper. Thanks twice Steve, and it was good to see you again.

Flock Of Dingbats : I Ran.... I Ran So Far Away...."

2009-06-18T07:25:00.001-04:00

Amazing events in Iran... these folks are very brave, and they remind me that we had two stolen elections in a row in this country and no one took to the streets... most Americans never even noticed. Anyway, in the interest of moving the story forward, here is a brief primer on Iranian politics:

Iran's election is between two main candidates:

The incumbent Mr. Imadinnerjacket best known for dressing like a parking lot attendant and acting like a complete fucking nutbag.

Other dude with a beard who smiles a lot. Iranians seem to think his wife is hot. Americans would only think so if they had not seen a woman for 26 years.

Supreme Leader, Grand Poobah, HAIC ( Head Ayatollah In Charge) : Whacky 'black hatter' with ZZ top beard and big nerd glasses. Think crazy grandpa with nukes.

Council Of Experts: Picks the supreme leader. Membership unclear, but rumored to include Paula Abdul.

Lesser know players:

The Commissioner: Person you must obtain express written permission from.

Council of Wankers: In charge of NHL playoff schedule.

Ayatollah of Rock & Rollah: The potted plant of the flower power generation. Dr. Rockenstien. Big Daddy... Whoops I'm sorry I thought I was back at WRIF.....

Department Of Official Slogans: Responsible for coming up with 'Death To_______" slogan of the day.

Rovian Advice

2009-06-03T08:31:00.003-04:00

I have a friend who lives in a small town in a state that I should not identify, but it rhymes with Oh My Oh. My friend is reticent about taking my advice or allowing me to run his campaign for mayor of the small town (which rhymes with Sell More). My friend ( whose name rhymes with Bernie) has "moral scruples". Sigh.... It's not easy being Karl Rove. None the less, I have taken the time to list below some simple Nixonian ideas/statements/tactics that should result in an easy win:

1. " My advisers don't want me to talk about communists, but I'm gonna tell the people the truth.."

2. Campaign sign: " What about the slush fund Mr Mayor?"

3. " I don't care if I win or lose this election, I just want to do Gods will..... so tell me Mr Mayor, why do you hate the baby Jesus?"

4. " My opponent once practiced nepotism with his sister! He Has an uncle who is a registered sexagenarian. His mother was a thespian in high school!"

5. Campaign sign held by a crying pregnant woman outside the mayors office: " Why Mr Mayor? Why?".

6. Campaign sign held by crying cub scout outside mayors office: "Why Mr Mayor? Why?".

7. My opponent tries to hide his diaphoresis on a daily basis.

8. "Is Mayor X a secret muslim? Well of course he will deny it, but these rumors have been around for years and it makes you wonder."

9. Billboard: "Stop The Socialists. Restore American Values :Bernie For Mayor"

10. " God told me to run for mayor..."

Not What We Mean By Lending A Hand

2009-05-24T09:36:00.001-04:00

BEIJING — Chen Fuchao, a man heavily in debt, had been contemplating suicide on a bridge in southern China for hours when a passer-by came up, shook his hand _ and pushed him off the ledge.

Chen fell 26 feet (8 meters) onto a partially inflated emergency air cushion laid out by authorities and survived, suffering spine and elbow injuries, the official Xinhua News Agency said Saturday.

The passer-by, 66-year-old Lai Jiansheng, had been fed up with what he called Chen's "selfish activity," Xinhua said. Traffic around the Haizhu bridge in the city of Guangzhou had been backed up for five hours and police had cordoned off the area.

"I pushed him off because jumpers like Chen are very selfish. Their action violates a lot of public interest," Lai was quoted as saying by Xinhua. "They do not really dare to kill themselves. Instead, they just want to raise the relevant government authorities' attention to their appeals."

Xinhua said Lai was "taken away by police" but did not elaborate.

A police officer who answered the telephone Saturday at a station close to the bridge confirmed the incident and said it was under investigation. He refused to give any other details and hung up.

According to Xinhua, Chen wanted to kill himself because he had accrued 2 million yuan ($290,000) in debt from a failed construction project.

On Thursday, he made his way to the Haizhu bridge, where 11 other people have tried to take their lives since April.

Lai volunteered to talk Chen down but was turned away by police, Xinhua said. Lai then broke through the cordon, climbed to where Chen sat, greeted him with a handshake, then pushed.

Photos in the Beijing Morning Post showed Lai, shoeless and in a T-shirt, saluting after Chen fell

Zen And The Ladies Man, The Big Guy Takes Notes, and Things Are Gonna Slide

2009-05-14T09:42:00.001-04:00

I have been a huge fan of Leonard Cohen for 40 years now, his work has given me part of the language of my heart. We saw his tour this week.... it was part concert, part victory lap, and a moment of enlightenment delivered by this thin poet, prophet, and best song writer since King David. Sitting in front of us was a large man busy writing notes throughout the entire show. Not very Zen oversize grasshopper.

You can analyze poetry or music all you like, but that's not the same as dancing. I can watch all the love stories in the world, but that would never let me know what the morning light looks like as it drips across the small of a womans back when she dreams beside me at dawn. Poetry is light, art gives vision, and God is found in the silent glances more often than the explanation points.

Leonard Cohen celebrates love and what it can do to us, while .he warns of the future prepared by those 'killers in high places' . My prayer is that we continue to notice the cracks where the light comes in, and dance there as long as we can.

Only You Can Prevent Forest Fires

2009-05-01T07:31:00.001-04:00

POTUS: Thank you everyone, before we begin I have a short statement. After consulting Doctor Roger Daltrey of the WHO and with the WHO Director Dr. Cindy Lou, here are some simple steps you should take:

Wash your hands.
Cover your mouth when you cough.
Girls should wipe from front to back.
Don't pick your nose.
Let sleeping dogs lie.
He who smelt it dealt it.
Don't run with scissors.
Wash behind your ears.
Don't eat anything larger than your head.
If you shake it more than twice, your playing with it.
Don't pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger, and don't mess with Joe Biden.

Thank you and now I'll take questions......

Look Back In Anger ( N'est pas?)

2009-04-25T16:36:00.002-04:00

I was walking back to the TV studio from Union Station this morning when I found myself in a crowd of French tourists. My poorly remembered college French only allowed me to get the gist of their conversation, but I gathered they were excited to see the US Capitol. As one walks from the west side of the station, the Capitol dome is suddenly revealed from behind a screen of trees glimmering in the morning sun, with the statue of Freedom ever looking to the east. I began to wonder what Madame Freedom would think of the 'debate' in this country about torture, and it stuck me that all those brave men and women who fought and bled over the years under her banner are owed a profound apology by Msrs. Bush, Cheney et. al. My father and the men of his generation went to Europe with the moral authority to conduct the trials at Nuremberg. Where has that authority gone now in the wake of Abu Garib?

So I tell you what Mr. Obama, it's not for you alone to decide if we should prosecute those responsible for spitting on our constitution.... ask these tourists which country they came to see: Bush and Cheney's or Washington and Jefferson’s. Ask my father and the women and men in all those neat rows across the river in Arlington. Ask the lady on top of that alabaster building on the hill. Look back? Hell yes Mr. Obama, look back with anger.

Ghosts On The Red Line

2009-04-21T06:45:00.001-04:00

Riding the train again.. all these years now on the Red Line..sleepy workers with chains of ID hung round our necks like talisman, screaming tourists children swinging on the hand rails, and the flickering images half seen and half imagined out dirty windows. More and more now I have these small daydreams as we rock and sway under the city......I startle awake as we stop at Dupont Circle, and then back to these half dreams.. Jan on that beach watching Lake Huron... kissing Davida under the moonlight, Sheila's scent on my fingers as I picked up my guitar, Nicki in a taxi on 48th street, blues on that Naw'lins station with sweat in my eyes, the housewife south of Kalamazoo, Kiwi in the shadows of Salt Lake... all these ghosts filling my head...and I wonder is this just the price for the life I've lived, is this the cost of loving more than once or twice?
If you could have told me all those years ago when I was a sandy virgin on that beach with Jan that some day I'd be old and dreaming and seeing her face on a dirty subway window.. I don't think I would have understood.... I didn't have the vision then...I'd never seen the ghosts.

Morons On The Edge Of America, The Price Of Mercy & Karla Faye

2009-04-10T16:10:00.001-04:00

Here in South Carolina at the beach (in more ways than one the edge of America):

I overheard a young guy the next table over at Boots & Johns Biscuit Shack yesterday. He was 'explaining things' to his friends: The British had 'something to do' with the Boston Tea Party. And he was pretty sure (though not positive) that the Three Musketeers were French. Somewhere Msr. Dumas is rolling in his French grave. When you enter Boots & Johns there is a photo on the wall of the owner (not sure if it's Boots or John) with Dick Cheney, and Fox News is always on the Tee Vee behind the counter. Something tells me that the young idiot I sat next to may turn up at one of those 'spontaneous' "Tea Party" protests organized by Fox News. Someday when the sad history of the decline and fall of America is written, I'm quite sure that repeal of the fairness doctrine will figure prominently on the historian’s list of precipitate causes.

My friend was telling me the other day about a married couple she knows. They are both doctors, very nice people and wonderfully successful. It seems they have made their bundle by running a group of 'pain clinics'. It turns out that they have made so much money; they've managed to buy their own island somewhere. This is the point where I lost my mind and started yelling: "They have their own fucking island?? "Selling pain relief?? In a country where 50 million people have no health insurance?? How in the name of jumping fucking Jesus did we end up with a system that puts a price tag on pain? The last time I checked the words of the master did not say, " Blessed are the merciful for they shall be able to buy their own fucking island".

I am reminded of the man who only promised paradise to one living soul on this earth: the 'good thief' dying beside him at the hands of the state. I don't much care for that ' six dudes you'll meet in heaven' nonsense being sold these days, but two folks I'm pretty sure you might see there are Karla Faye Tucker and that fella from the hill outside the city.

Overheard At The K&W Resturant

2009-04-07T07:54:00.001-04:00

Conversation in a restaurant April 2009

Older man seated alone on cell phone:

Hey yeah it’s me how ya doin?

Yeah yeah? So hows that wife?

Everybody?

Uh huh ahh yeah I see what’s that?

Oh yeah? Really?

What ..Cancer?

Uh huh… yeah that’s too bad ..she was a good dog I remember.

Yeah..sorry uh huh.

.How’s the store this year?

In the black or red?

Oh yeah we’re fine…..yeah yeah I just….

Well….I uh..yeah, oh oh..I almost forgot

Yeah when you come down

Yeah I got a set of (unintelligible) yeah I piad 795..no shit…

no no I’m gonna let ‘em go for 275 tops yeah….

You’ll see ‘em when you come down.

OK then..yeah I just you know I yeah

Texas Radio (Sans big Beat), Zen And The Art Of Quarter Hour Maintenence, And Solid Gold Stupid In The Great White North

2009-03-27T21:12:00.002-04:00

More Stories: Years ago I was at SXSW with some friends who owned a FM station that was heard in Austin but had studios in a town some 20 miles down the road. We took a drive one day to see the place, and on the way I came up with an idea for a format. What could be more perfect in Texas I thought than a station called "Kay Bob". Being the programing whiz kid that I was, I came up with a KBOB format on the spot: All Willie + Waylon and the Boys...and all the DJs would be named Billy Bob, or Bobbie Ray, or Bobbie Sue or..well you get the idea. After pulling into the town (complete with hitching posts and good ole' boys on the courthouse steps), I reconsidered the likey reception a long haired wise guy from MoTown might get pitching a format in those parts. Sorry Hos, no KBOB ever happened.

I had another long standing radio theory that involved a simple formula: divide the total power in watts by the number of times a day you play Stairway To Heaven, then multiply by the number of trailer parks in your Metro.... and you should get pretty close to your average quarter hour rating. My stupid formula made as much sense as most of the nonsense I heard from consultants over the years. I remember Lee Abrams telling us once to "be like the mafia on the phones". I still don't know what the fuck that meant.

Years later I gaped in wide wonder when I heard a Windsor Canada station try a Motown Gold format with 20% Can Con ( Canadian Content). That meant every fifth song had to be from a Canadian Motown artist. Go ahead and name one......... I rest my case eh. They would have been better off as CBOB.

Cindy Lou Who, , Strange Scenes Outside The Train Station, And Rage On The Via Vittorio

2009-03-22T08:28:00.003-04:00

There is a woman I see in the cafeteria of my government office building just about every day. She is there in the morning, and there until the cops kick her out at night. I call her Cindy Lou Who because she kinds of looks like a Dr Suess character. Cindy sits alone engaged in animated conversation with no one at all. She always seems to be deeply engaged, and appears to be listening to a frequency only she can hear. I always want to say something to her, to tell her that the rest of us see her, know she is here...but I don't. And I'm not sure anyone else really notices her much. Cindy Lou is just another casualty of the American Dream: alone and crazy and passed by.

Outside Union Station in downtown DC there is always a cast of whack-a- loons, nut jobs, and Lou Who's worthy of an all start roster for crazy folks. One guy is there almost every day yelling about the government ripping off his social security check. Often when I come up the escalator from the Metro stop there, the first thing I hear is this mans deep booming voice saying " The mothefucking US fucking government stole my motherfucking check". I love watching the tourists with small kids blanch and look stunned as they hear Check Boys profane tirade. Welcome to DC motherfuckers. I once witnessed a guy go to the trouble of dragging a nice portable amplifier with speakers and a microphone and everything so he could preach from the bible. The only problem was, he preached in French. Tres' Whoopsie Msr. NumbNuts.

I thought of the French preacher when I was in Rome last year. We were riding an open top sightseeing bus past Harry's Bar on the Via Vittorio Veneto, when I saw an Italian man on the corner raving and gesturing and looking for all the world like Cindy Lou's Roman cousin. I realized in a flash that there is something more or less universal about crazy. in spite of the language barrier I instantly recognized this guys rant: it seems that mothefucker Silvio Berlusconi stole the dudes check. Ciao baby!.

God and Dog At Yale, A Timely Rebuke, Cool Gardens

2009-03-15T09:15:00.000-04:00

Religion... always a fun topic. Watching Karen Armstrong the other night with Bill Moyers got me thinking about how best to illustrate the insanely bad theology of most American self styled 'christians'. Try this on: I love my Dog more than your 'god' loves you. No matter what my wonderful mutt ever does I would never hurt him, nor wish him anything but joy. According to the theology preached and pounded into the heads of millions of unthinking yahoos everyday in this country, their 'god' will send people to torment for all eternity if the folks don't say the right magic words, and agree to the right set of propositions. That's insane. And monstrous. Such theology demonstrates far less love than any dog lover has for his or her pet. However, the above formula is exactly where the 'christian' doctrine of "no salvation outside the church" leads. Once in the nineties I was so broke I took a job writing commercials for WMUZ, the 'christian' station in Detroit. All in all they were very nice people, a few true believers, and quite a few just there for the job. One time I was asked to write a spot for some local car insurance guy who wanted to tell people that the bible says you have to have car insurance. I asked the guy to show me where it says that since I could not find the chapter titled 'The Gospel of Saint Geico". Another day I was having lunch with one of the salesman who informed me that I was going to hell because I didn't believe in the whole 'Jesus is my personal savior' nonsense. I then asked if my Jewish wife was also condemned. He smiled and said: "Certainly". OK I said, 'what about the six million in the Shoah who went up the chimneys, what about all those children...did your 'god' send them straight to hell because they didn't believe what you do?" He said that yes, he guessed that must be so. I tried to point out that he was expressing the same philosophy as Charlie Manson who famously said, "Hitler was just leveling the karma of the Jews"... but since I was a bit hot and said something along the lines of: " You fucking people are nuts”. I drew a loud 'rebuke in the name of Jesus' from one of the church ladies in the lunchroom. Oh well..So much for the finer points of theological debates. I don't worry much about the big existential questions anymore. The Zen guys would say that such inquiries are " inappropriate" and I think they are right. I do look forward to one day meeting Him, be it in the cool of the evening or the morning garden. And when I do I’ll be walking my dog with 'nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah'.

Janice and Uncle Ted Pop Questions, Eric's Not Here, Joey Nods, Ch Ch Changes, and Lasting Effects

2009-03-13T07:58:00.002-04:00

More strange tales: In 1980 I was working at W-4, an old funeral home in downtown Detroit converted into a rock & roll station. Howard Stern was the morning man, Mark McKewen was the music director, and I did late nights. For whatever reason we seemed to attract a lot of groupies, My favorite was a woman who called herself 'Clitoria'. Her real name was Janice, and she was a hot blooded (literally) Irish Catholic girl who was determined to screw as many DJ's as possible. I met Janice one night when I came into the studio and found her under the console table lending a hand to the guy on before me. We had a gay program director back then who didn't like me much, and liked me less after a party at my house one night. Clitoria was pretty drunk when she decided the thing to do was sit on the guys lap and see if she could get his motor revved. When she noticed he was ... non responsive, Janice announced in a VERY LOUD voice: "What are you, some sort of Fag?". I got transfered to the overnight shift the next week. Whoops. Speaking of questions, I was in the studio one day when Ted Nugent asked our beautiful afternoon lady (my friend Lynne Woodison) if she would like an "oral pap test"... radio silence followed.
There was another groupie who would ring the front bell wearing a long fur coat (with nothing on underneath) and ask if Eric Clapton was there. I would always say that he'd just left, but might be back any time..so perhaps she'd like to come in and er..take her coat off.
Also that year I recall doing an on air interview with the Ramones. When I asked Joey how the tour was going he just nodded. More radio silence.
W-4 changed me in many ways, I met Nicki with her ribbons and bows in that place, and I was working there when my mother died. I was not the same when I left that house of ghosts as I was when I arrived, but as Clitoria would have said: It was a fuck of a good ride.

Kiss Me On The Bus, Playing Star Again ( You Know I Had It In The Ear Before) and The Opposite Of Zen

2009-03-08T10:19:00.004-04:00

I was about 17 when I met Jan on a long bus trip. She was a combination of Sissy Hankshaw, Goldie Hawn, and Annie Hall.. and before the ride was over she had her tongue in my ear and I was in love for the first time in my life. Jan used to come over to my house in her Burger King uniform after work, and we'd lay on the couch under the Christmas lights and make out to Simon and Garfunkel. I thought that was as good as life got until I spent the night with her at her aunts cabin in Port Huron that summer. We sat on the sand watching the night freighters, then danced up the hill, and inside Jan lit a candle and played " Will you still love me tomorrow" while we slow danced and her eyes glowed warm. Later amid the sand and the sheets and the moonlight she whispered that she was glad we were lovers. Jan had told me that the affair would end when she left for college, and it did; my heart stayed broken for years. On the last night we were together she gave me a silver tankard. I still have it somewhere, but the sip I took from her loving cup keeps me a little buzzed even now.

I have another strong picture in my mind of a Limo ride some years later with my daughters mother Gwen. Gwen must have been about 19 then, with big blond hair, bright red lips, great tits and fuck me hard high heels. She liked to pop gum and talk smack, and she was a tough sexy Detroit grrrrl. Anyhow we took a big black Limo one night with some friends to see a Bob Seger show downtown, and I still remember a scene as we drove to the backstage door. As we glided down the final block, I looked out my window and saw a parking lot attendant giving me the air guitar motion, as if to ask: "Are you guys with the band?'. Since I didn't know a universal hand signal for " No I'm the late night DJ on W-4" I just nodded yes, and the guy smiled wide as we passed. Sometimes you just have to give the audience what they want.
A couple of other stage memories come to mind: once I was asked to go out at the Joe and tell 20,000 Ozzy fans he was running late. As I stood there blinded by the Supertrooper I could not see the crowd, but I sure as shit could feel the bottles whizzing past my head in the dark. I turned and ran for the back line, and fortunately a roadie grabbed me before I went 20 feet down to become rock and roll road kill on the cement floor. I was blinded another time while introducing the Psych Furs and as I did my rap I suddenly felt an arm around my shoulder and Richard Butlers tongue in my ear. That got me to shut up and exit stage right in a hurry.

I'm not that interested in being a star anymore..at least not most days 'cause it's soooo not zen....but I am at the age where everything reminds me of something. A long black car can set me dreaming, 'a song on the air with a love you line' makes my ear twitch, and every-time I walk our beach in Carolina and see the lights of the ships under the star light... I taste something I sipped long long ago.

Losing My Religion, Wild Dreams and China On The Line, and fun with the RCMP.

2009-03-06T16:16:00.007-05:00

When I was 16 I spent a weekend at Sacred Heart Seminary at a retreat for men who were considering the Priesthood. Sacred Heart is an old collection of buildings on the west side of Detroit with an alabaster statue of Christ on one of the corners of the property. During the riots in '68 someone painted the face of the statue black, and it was still that way 3 years later when I arrived. The overall effect was that of a white man in black face, and so an uninformed visitor might get the impression that we were worshiping Al Jolson. Everyone was talking about becoming a Bishop except for one long haired dude in the corner who I realized was Dan Carlilse of the legendary radio station WABX. Me and Dan ended up cruising around the neighborhood drinking brandy and talking about how fucking cool David Bowie was. Neither Dan, nor I ever became priests but I did (years later) end up on the air at WABX. I was too stupid to know that you couldn't get a job in a major market with no commercial experience, so.... I got the job. The Program Director who hired me was a five foot six ex top forty jock named China Jones. After I did a live audition for him, he took me in the hall and said: "Ok, I'm gonna give you the job, but remember that I keep my DJ's under my thumb". I almost asked him if he stood on a phone book when he did , but in a rare instance of good judgement I kept my mouth shut and got the gig. My first show was on New Years Eve (they let the new guy do the midnight shift so the rest of the crew could party) and I thought I was doing OK until about five minutes to midnight when a very drunk China Jones called me on the hot line. China was at a very loud bar calling from a payphone and shouting instructions to me as I held the phone up to one ear, had my headphones on the other ear, and tried to deliver his New Years message word for word like some bizarre UN translator. I'm sure I sounded like a complete fucking moron, but I learned as time went by that the average 'ABX listener was usually way too stoned to notice. ( Let alone on New Years Eve!) Our nickname for the station was "narcotic radio" ..and if you can picture a set of offices with really really loud Iggy Pop music playing, and Scarface size mounds of blow on the General Managers desk.. well you begin to get the picture. We even had some whacked out lesbian cheerleaders that would come to our softball games to chant: " A Root, A Root, A Rooty Toot Toot..." Anyhow the WABX slogan was "The Station Of Your Wildest Dreams" And it was.
Years later I was in New Orleans on my birthday and as we walked around the Vieux Carre wham..right in front of me was the big statue of Satchmo, which for all the world reminded me of that west side Jesus in Detroit. That same day I got a call from my partner to get on a plane to Toronto for a video shoot. As it happened ( CBC pun intended) Pope JPII was in town and a TV station in LA had hired our company to provide a crew at the last minute for a Popeload of cash. The plan was that the crew from MoTown would meet me at the Holiday Inn with the gear. I reluctantly said goodbye to my N'aw lins girlfriend and hopped on a flight to Chicago then connected to T.O. Since it was my Bday and all, I figured what the hell, and hit the in flight booze pretty good... insuring that by the time I got to airport customs that evening I was pretty well smashed. The Dudley Do Right dude asked me the purpose of my trip to Canada (eh?), and I answered: "We're here to shoot the Pope". Whoops. The only thing I could have possible said worse would have been to call Don Cherry's mother a whore (who was busy sucking off Tim Horton). The Mounties thought they had their man, and for the next two hours I sat in a small windowless room trying to explain why I lived in Detroit, but was coming from New Orleans on a plane from Chicago with no crew and no TV gear to do a "shoot". When the RCMP eventually figured out that I was harmless, they cut me loose about midnight. My day was capped by the cab driver singing "Happy Birthday" all the way to the hotel in his thick Pakistani accent hoping for a tip..while all I could focus on was the plastic Jesus on his dashboard. I almost asked him if he had a black magic marker......

Photo Phun

2009-03-02T09:37:00.006-05:00

One of these men is a low down no good dirty pimp. The other just runs a whorehouse.

The Bird Strikes Out, Fear & Loathing in Jackson , An Epiphany Outside Dallas, and Leaving The World Behind.

2009-03-01T18:36:00.010-05:00

I have decided that I've reached the time of life to begin writing my story. I often think of the dying U.S. Grant writing his memoirs on his porch, shivering under a blanket, trying to beat the reaper. I'd rather get a head start, because you never know what's next... which leads me to this story:

I first began to suspect that things might not quite work out the way I planned during the 1976 Baseball All Star Game, when Detroit's rookie phenom , Mark 'The Bird" Fidrych didn't live up to expectations. Something in the back of my mind told me that this would prove be an important lesson.When my mother died in 1980 I remember thinking that if only the Bird hadn't flamed out, maybe she would never have gotten cancer. Nutty? Yes, but grief twists the mind, (and a steady diet of booze and blow may not have helped).

I didn't hear that back of the head voice again until 1984 when we flew into Jackson Mississippi to shoot a TV story on a kid named Scooter. We bounced and banged and though the sky on a stormy night in a 727 pounding down scotch and flirting with a girl who thought we were from CBS. One thing led to another, and she managed to get her brother to open up his steak house after hours so we could get a meal after landing late, and by the time the all night party was over we were hung over, broke, and late for the morning call at an elementary school to tape a kid named Scooter whiz around in a wheelchair. While scooter whized I kept running to the boys bathroom to barf (great example to the kiddies, but fuck 'em if they can't take a joke). Meanwhile it dawned on all of us that we had blown our entire weeks hotel and meal per diem money on the previous evenings whiskey and pussy pallooza and were therefore in some danger of testing the reaction of a Mississippi sheriff to some Yankee TV assholes who welsh on a hotel bill. As it turned out we ended up borrowing a go cart from a kid named Irving to shoot a tracking shot, and then got the bright idea to wire the home office in Ann Arbor and ask for money for rental of the " Irving 9000 Mobile Camera Support System". Thank God the nice old lady in the logistics office wouldn't have a know a Mobile Camera Support if one landed on her head, so she sent us a quick $3500 to get out of Dodge without Deputy Dawg being needed. On the day we were leaving, as we drove out to the airport saying what a cool town Jackson had turned out to be and how we should for sure come back again soon and look up the girls we had met... I knew..just knew, that I would never return. I think there have been a lot of 'Jackson's" in my life, probably for all of us there are moments when we realise we won't pass this way again, won't kiss those lips again, won't hear that voice again. Such is the beginning of wisdom I guess, at least its serves as a reminder that the clock is ticking.

Later that year we did a few days in the Dallas area, and after posing for pictures on the Grassy Knoll ( pointing to the fence like the shots just happened, the idea was to put the photo on a shelf and if someone saw it refuse to answer questions), we went out to a convent near Fort Worth to do a story on the nuns there. The women were Discalced Carmelites in a cloister so it was a rare privilege to set foot inside with the sandal sisters. I noticed a young sister who was beautiful in way I had never seen before. I asked her what she did all day, and she showed me how she spent eight hours a day on her knees in prayer with her arms splayed out and face turned to heaven. I was stunned, and all I could think to ask her was: "Why do you do it?" I have never forgotten her answer. She said: " I pray for those who can't or won't pray for themselves". I don't remember her name, and I only spoke to her for a minute or two, but I remain convinced that good woman on her knees has far more to do with the future of the world than all the kings and princes on tee vee every night.

In a lot of nursing homes I have seen people in the process of leaving this world, its as if they are packing their bags, and getting ready to let go. For the most part I find the prospect almost unthinkable.... until I remember Jackson... and then I realize that I started leaving long ago; and when the good sisters call I may find that my bag is already packed.

The Beginning Of Wisdom......

2009-02-25T07:57:00.004-05:00

Stuff I have finally figured out:

1. People believe what they want to in spite of all evidence. Case in point: millions of American morons continue to think George W. Bush did an OK job. These people are thankfully a minority, but still represent a large enough to notice swath of the population. Should we trust them with sharp objects?

2. Guys who spend all day thinking about money or pussy are dangerous and should be avoided. On the other hand people who never think about either should not be trusted with the keys to the men's room.

3. Women who say they are not at all jealous are lying. Every time.

4. Oswald didn't do it. Nobody plans to shoot the president and then escape by taking the fucking bus.

5.Tee Vee 'talents' are just DJ's with better hair. The moniker 'vacuous' would be a step up for most of these shit birds.

6. Most of medicine is guesswork. Many ailments may in fact be caused by evil jin jin.

7. My mother was right about stuff: pointy shoes DO ruin your feet, and come to think of it my eyesight isn't that good anymore either.

8. The government lies about just about everything. Mostly to cover up incompetence.

9. British people are not any smarter than us. In fact they are mostly drunkards with bad teeth. But they do have great accents.

10. The wisest souls are the quietest.

The Climb Out

2009-02-18T16:28:00.006-05:00

I was driving west past the south lawn the other day

Watching a plane slowly claw its way north

Slowly ascending, framed by the monument and the setting sky

And I saw in the moment that morning

Framed by bright blue September

And the eerie quiet afternoon I watched

just a fighter dancing high above

We began our descent then

Until now

Until we begin to climb north again.

Stupid Facebook Lists

2009-02-14T00:14:00.001-05:00

Fuck It List

x) Been pulled over while drunk on your ass (extra credit if also "holding").
(x) Woke up with someone you don't remember meeting.
(x) Told the boss to "suck my dick" or "kiss my sweet ass".
(x) Were too drunk to fuck.
(x) Too drunk to fish.
(x) Lost your car for greater than an hour. (Extra points if greater than 24).
(x) Slept on the front lawn. ( In Detroit ) ( In February).
(x) Got lost looking for the bathroom. ( Extra points if you woke up mom or dad to ask directions.)
(x) Decided that all day Green Acres marathon more important than work.
(x) Pissed in a sink.( Extra credit if you didn't move the dishes).
(x) Slept your way to the top. (Extra points if you slept your way to the middle).
(x) Faked cancer scare to avoid sales meeting.
(x) Hit on ( not by, but on) a member of the clergy. (Extra points if heterosexual).
(x) Tried to go mano a mano with your dad after 2am.
(x) Got kicked out of the house after 2am.
(x) Got kicked out of church.
(x) Kicked out of the demolition derby for being "too loud".
(x) Hookers involved in bachelor party. ( Extra credit if involved in wedding).
(x) Lied on a stupid FB list.
(x) Invaded a country for no good reason.

A Doozy Of A Presser

2009-02-10T14:11:00.011-05:00

So President Obama has held his first fromal press conference with the WHPC last night in the east room. While I thought it was a bit short on JFK style yucks, and a bit long on a few answers, I believe we are now able to offer the following comparisson chart:

Obama answering questions is to George W answering questions as:

1. King Lear is to Larry The Cable Guy.

2. A Lamborghinni is to a 1976 Chevy Vega.

3. Glenlivet is to Bud Light.

4. Paris is to Waco.

5. The Lourve is to the starving artist blow out sale at the Holiday Inn.

6. The Pitsburgh Steelers are to the Detroit Lions.

7. Ali is to Don Knots.

8. Piccasso is to Thomas Kincade.

9. Albert Einstein to Sarah Palin.

10. Stevie Wonder is to the Jonas Brothers.

Digging For Dollars

2009-02-06T08:36:00.007-05:00

I don't know how much more I can watch of these insane Republicans screeching about tax cuts instead of acting on a spending bill. Tax cuts? Are you guys really fucking serious? What good does a tax cut do a man without a job? Duh...... And speaking of insane, I heard some douche bag wall street guy on the tee vee talking about how 500K is chump change. Well I tell you what Sparky, I'll do the job for half that. There is no way, no matter how much gin I drank, that I could fuck up the economy more than these fuck sticks. And picking stocks? I would use the Kennedy method. That's where I paint NASDAQ symbols on trees and fire hydrants in the neighborhood, and whichever ones my dog Kennedy pees on, I buy. I am quite sure I will average at least the same growth rate as my 401K has last year.

So here's my idea, how about we combine the ultimate in reality TV and 'shovel ready' projects, by chaining a bunch of these Banker cocksuckers together and making them dig ditches in the hot sun in say,,,, oh Arizona. Folks at home could bet on which fat shit bird will keel over first. But just to make it fair, the last one standing can get their "bonus" that year. And we could call the show: " Scum Bag Millionaire" I gotta get ABC on the line.

Res Ipsa This.....

2009-02-02T17:14:00.004-05:00

All right. Enough is enough. I have been hearing all these Republicans rattle and prattle on and on about their dissatisfaction with the stimulus bill. First point: Obama taking advice from these guys on economics would be akin to the Steelers calling up Matt Millen before the Super Bowl to find out the secret of the Detroit Lions success. Second point: You fuckers lost the election. Badly. So now you get to ..... shut the fuck up. Got a good idea, fine offer it up. But if all you have to offer the American people is more insane tax cuts for the rich, more largess for your banker buddies; more of the same devil take the hindmost laziez fare Enron like "good ideas" that got us into this mess...... then once again, shut your fucking mouths.

I think Obama ought to walk on into the Senate Republican cloak room, grab his "economic package", and tell those Hoover wana-be's to " stimulate this, motherfuckers".

That would be worth watching on C-SPAN.

The Lonesome Death Of Marvin Schur

2009-01-30T06:40:00.002-05:00

Perhaps you've read by now about the 93 year old man that froze to death in his home in Bay City Michigan because he owed $1,100 to the electric company, and they shut off his power. The mans name was Marvin Schur.He was an American. The last time I checked, Bay City was in the United Sates of America. And an old man froze to death in his home. In his home in the United States. Would offering free heat to poor old demented citizens be too close to socialism? After all , our tax money is apparently better spent with bankers and wall street crooks who spend it redecorating.
The next time I hear some slime bag with a fifty dollar haircut prattle on about how this country is a 'Christian nation", I'm going to think of Marvin Schur. I would never claim to know what Jesus would think or do, but somehow I don't think he'd be OK with letting old people freeze.

Slumdogs On Mars

2009-01-28T09:52:00.001-05:00

We saw Slumdog Millionaire a few weeks ago, and I'm glad to see the Oscar chat for it. I think the larger point is that we live in a gated community called the first world, surrounded by 'slumdogs'. I sponsor a young man in Haiti who is 18 and in the third grade. Until recently he never owned nor slept in a bed. The news reports speak of people eating 'mud cakes' in the cities and God alone knows what in the country side. Haiti is in our hemisphere, one could say it's right in our backyard; yet for the attention we pay, Haiti may as well be on Mars. I have a wood carving I bought years ago in New Orleans of a 'Voodoo Christ". It was carved by a poor Haitian monk, and stands on my night table offering a silent rebuke to me each morning on behalf of the hungry:

"My people My people, how have I offended you?"

I suspect I am being called to do more than send a few bucks or buy a kid a bed. I suspect we all are being called to do more for those with the least. And I suspect we had better hurry, because the truth about 'slumdogs' is that sooner or later.... they bite.

Don't Mind Me, I'm Just Fighting Cancer......

2009-01-27T14:31:00.001-05:00

From The Interwebs

Masturbation may be good for you – or bad, depending on your age. The solitary sexual activity that is widely practised but little discussed, is linked with an increased risk of prostate cancer when practised frequently by young men in their twenties and thirties, doctors say.

But by the time men reach their fifties, it may protect against the disease because it helps remove toxins that have built up over a lifetime.

Prostate cancer is known to be driven by the male hormone testosterone, and men with high levels of testosterone tend to have a higher sex drive and a higher risk of the cancer.

But most research has examined older men because prostate cancer is unusual under 50. Researchers at the University of Nottingham studied the link between sexual activity in younger men and the disease to see if it affected their long-term risk. More than 400 men with prostate cancer diagnosed before the age of 60 were questioned about their sexual habits over the preceding decades and the results compared with 400 controls.

The findings showed that those who had been most sexually active in their twenties – having sexual intercourse or masturbating more than 20 times a month – were more likely to have the cancer. Frequent masturbation, but not sexual intercourse, in the twenties and thirties was significantly linked with the later development of prostate cancer.

In their 50s men who were most sexually active (more than 10 times a month for sexual intercourse and masturbation combined) enjoyed a small protective effect. The effect was greater when masturbation was assessed on its ow

Hey Shitheel! John Wants To See You.....

2009-01-27T07:29:00.001-05:00

From AP

The House Judiciary Committee chairman subpoenaed former White House adviser Karl Rove on Monday to testify about the Bush administration's firing of U.S. attorneys and prosecution of a former Democratic governor.

The subpoena by Rep. John Conyers, D-Mich., continues a long-running legal battle with ex-President George W. Bush's former White House political director. Rove previously refused to appear before the panel, contending that former presidential advisers cannot be compelled to testify before Congress.

The subpoena commanded Rove to appear for a deposition on Feb. 2 on the firings of U.S. attorneys for political reasons. Conyers also demanded testimony on whether politics played a role in the prosecution of former Alabama Gov. Don Siegelman, a Democrat.

Bush upheld Rove's legal position, but Conyers said times have changed.

What's So Funny About Peace Love and Understanding

2009-01-24T06:07:00.004-05:00

Lemme see here... He's been on the job less time than it takes most of us to figure out where the copy machine is, and he already started closing Gitmo, appointed a real envoy to the Mid east, is removing the insane ban on stem cells, and the list goes on. Not bad work so far President "O"

Still, John Boner Boy and his fellow travelers want to act like anybody gives a happy shit what they want and think. I give President Obama ( I love the sound of that...) credit for trying to be bipartisan, but the time is rapidly approaching to just tell these people to shut the fuck up. As Mr Obama pointed out to some of them yesterday: "I won". The current version of the Republican party is bereft of ideas, credibility, and honor. Taking economic advice from any of these guys is akin to asking for a Superbowl game plan from the Detroit Lions. So to Rush, and Ann, and John and Mitch... and the rest of that greasy gang of dingbats and fuckwads:elections matter. You lost. Deal with it, and if you want to get serious there is a good looking young black fellow in the White House who will take your call. Until then? Piss off.

Glory Road

2009-01-20T22:27:00.004-05:00

All day long the busses came. They came and came and came. Dropping off thousands upon uncounted thousands. All these busses filled with black folks, white folks, American folks. Some of these men and women came here long ago. Forty six years ago they came to this town. To this mall, this strip of dirt and grass and dreams. They came then to hear the good doctor call for justice to ring down from the mountains. They came today to hear justice delivered. Delivered and ringing along the marble facades and beaming millions lining this place. Justice arrived today in this town. Somewhere tonight Ms Parks remembers her journey, somewhere Dr. King is laughing with joy, somewhere even angels ride the bus.

Ars Longa, Bush Brevis

2009-01-19T09:10:00.007-05:00

24 hours to go. One more day. And then ... the nightmare that has been the George W. Bush administration comes to its end in shame and ignominy. Bush and his grisly gang of thugs may escape the bar of justice, but at least we can take some small comfort in sensing histories harsh verdict: these men were a criminal conspiracy more than a government. Others will write the books about this time. Others will offer sophisticated theories to explain the rise and fall of Mr Bush's Reich. Others will no doubt find some quirk or flaw in the American character to explain how anyone as utterly unqualified for high office as George W. Bush ever convinced a single voter to trust the country to his tender care.

I have a simple explanation for the success of 'Bushisim" in America. It's Thomas Kinkades fault. That's right, the "Painter of Light" almost destroyed the worlds greatest democracy. But Mr Kinkade is merely a harmless hack who has bamboozled thousands upon thousands of Americans to shell out big bucks for bad art you say. What's wrong with that? What's wrong is that Mr Kinkade aligned himself to some ersatz version of ' Christianity" that flourishes in this country, aligned himself so tightly that any home displaying a Kinkade painting could be reliably counted on to attend an evangelical church, and vote republican up and down the ticket. I believe this phenomenon offers insight into the core of our problem. Our culture has so devalued education that millions can no longer tell the difference between art and mass marketed schlock. Our people are so theologically illiterate that it seems normal to idolize a man made Jesus who demands blood rather than offers mercy. We have so hypnotized the populace with flickering images and dreams of avarice that at least half the people can't tell the difference between a leader and a thief; and that I think as much as anything explains the last eight years.

Tomorrow, we begin to paint a new picture.

Bouncing Into Graceland

2009-01-18T08:41:00.004-05:00

Last night I was doing voice over work on the Tee Vee machine, covering the arrival at Union Station of Mr Obamas kind of silly but kind of cool train trip. Once the Obamas were in their limo we went to tape, so I grabbed my coat to run outside. I got to the plaza in front of the 'Span building just in time to join a spontaneous crowd which had formed in the bitter cold to cheer and wave as the motorcade drove by. I've seen plenty of big shots in long black cars in this town, but this one was different. This one carried hope for a nation desperate for leadership. This one carried the promise of change, and some measure of redemption for the suffering of so many for so many years. The crowd cheered and bounced up and down trying to get a better look, and you could begin to feel the change this election has brought. I was struck by the impossibility of a crowd like this forming to cheer Larry The Cable Guys dim witted cousin George Bush: in eight years I never saw it happen here. But something is new here in Washington. That silver train didn't just deliver a President elect to this town; it brought us the new mayor of Graceland.

What A Wonderful World

2009-01-16T16:39:00.008-05:00

"Really, I think one's art goes only as far and as deep as your love goes" Andrew Wyeth

Dubya Gets An Early Start On Retirement

2009-01-15T08:31:00.003-05:00

Wildlife officials said a rhesus monkey known to throw feces when mad is on the loose in Tampa Bay. Authorities have been trying to capture the primate since Tuesday afternoon, but it managed to evade a bucket truck and tranquilizer dart.
Gary Morse with the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission says the adult male is thought to have escaped from an unlicensed source. It was last seen in Clearwater.
The monkey is not considered dangerous.

The Final Frontier

2009-01-12T12:05:00.005-05:00

I don't often write about calls we run, but every now and then I feel compelled. We ran an MO the other night, and without violating the guys privacy rights, let me give the gist of his story:

He went to bed about midnight because he was "sleepy". At some point after this he was "made unconscious" by someone or something from outer space. During his "unconscious time", the gentleman believed that the aforementioned person / or entity, applied some "grease" to his "anus region". The fellow was at pains to point out to us the he is "not gay, nor interested in any gay type things". The alleged (I say alleged, because my partner and I politely declined to perform an examination of the "greasy" area) anal grease was still present we were told, though the fellow denied that the intruder, shall we say; intruded any further. Our patient did explain that this has been happening quite often, and felt that the police department was "maybe not taking me seriously". Mr "X' was unable to offer any clue as to the possible origin of the "space invaders" ( my pun), though he did not dispute my conjecture that a space traveler from the planet Astroglide did this to him. My partner suggested some connection with Uranus, while I offered that I was pretty sure we could nail the point of origin down to somewhere in the KY star system.

We transported our patient to a local emergency room,where we suggested he might benefit from a probing examination; though not in a gay way. I suggested that he try sleeping with a guard dog as I do, pointing out that in over 7 years of sharing my bed with my pooch, my naughty place has yet to wake up greasy.

Thought For The Day

2009-01-09T21:40:00.000-05:00

Let nothing disturb you,
Let nothing frighten you,
All things are passing away:
God never changes.
Patience obtains all things.
Whoever has God lacks nothing;
God alone suffices.

Brownie points if you know the author.

Look Back In Anger.......

2009-01-07T14:41:00.010-05:00

Advance Copy Of George Bush's Final Speech From The Oval Office:

My fellow Americanos. Four score and umm, a few Corona's ago, my fore daddy helped me move into this ovalified office. I don't have to tell you it's been a bit of a bumpy ride, or as we say in Texas: a complete cluster fuck. I just wanted to speechify for a second herewith to say: whoops, my bad. I know the whole war plan thing didn't quite turn out like the Winston-Salem Churchill great leader thing that the Dickster told me it would, and I know that this whole real-e-oh -state situation sucks the big kahuna; but I'm pretty sure most of that wasn't really my fault. The truth is that I have been drunk on my ass the last 8 years, so I don't think it's fair to blame a feller for stuff that happened while he was driving the porcelain F-150. Hell, I was fucked up so bad during that whole Katrina thing that Laura locked me in the barn down in Crawford for 4 days, and by the time I came to, a whole bunch of folks were floating tits up down Canal street. And as far as Wall Street goes, hell, I was more interested in dining at the Condi Y, than worrying about which rich shit bag friend of Poppy's was busy ripping off beacoup bucks from his Dow Jones pals. I guess it turns you all took it up the old Hersey highway on that deal..so again my other Americanskis... whoopsie.

Well I guess it's time to concludeify, so let me just say its been an honor being your El Preisdente, and now Laura and I plan to slink back to Dallas and do some serious drinking. Good luck to the Obama dude, God Bless, and hello Jose Curevo!

I Read The News Today Oh Boy

2009-01-06T15:01:00.005-05:00

From the Interwebs:

JACKSON, Ohio — Police say an angry 4-year-old Ohio boy grabbed a gun from a closet and shot his baby sitter. Nathan Beavers, 18, was hospitalized Sunday with minor wounds to his arm and side after the shotgun attack. Police say another teen was also injured.
Witnesses told police the child was angry because Beavers accidentally stepped on his foot. Beavers was watching the child at a mobile home in Jackson with several other teenagers and several other children.

With this in mind, here are some more headlines we are likley to see:

Five Year Old Guns Down Sister After She Calls Him "Poopy Head".

Toddler Opens Fire After Mom Sends Him To "Time Out".

Pre Schooler Defends Shooting Rampage: " Big Purple Dinosour Told Me To Kill".

Kindergarten Killer Blows Away Mall Santa: "He Didn't Bring Me A Wi".

Dick Cheney Shoot Another Guy In The Face " Ah Fuck 'Em".

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

2009-01-04T15:25:00.002-05:00

From Salon:

Another President Bush?

Perhaps so, says former President George H.W. Bush, who has already seen one son, George W., serve in the Oval Office. The nation's 41st president said Sunday that he would like to see a second son, Jeb, be president one day.

Jeb Bush is the current president's younger brother and a former popular governor of Florida. He is mulling a run for Senate seat being vacated by Sen. Mel Martinez, R-Fla.

Asked in a broadcast interview about Jeb Bush's consideration of the Senate seat, Bush 41 said: "I'd like to see him run. I'd like to see him be president someday."

When asked if he was serious, he said: "Or maybe senator. Whatever. Yes, I would. I mean, right now is probably a bad time, because we've had enough Bushes in there. But no, I would. And I think he's as qualified and able as anyone I know on the political scene. Now, you've got to discount that. He's my son."

The Secret History Of Dogs (Happy New Year)

2009-01-01T09:40:00.006-05:00

I was walking with my dog Kennedy the other day, when we heard the faint sound of a child crying from the window of a house we were passing. Kennedy reacted like he always does when he sees children, by beginning to whimper and wanting to investigate. My big fella loves little kids, and we have figured out that before we got him as a rescue dog , he must have been around children. I don't think I am being anthropomorphic when I say that I can see sadness and loss in his eyes when he hears a child's cry. Dog, cats, all God's creation I think; are capable of love and therefore grief and longing. My friend Kennedy speaks in his own language, has his own history, and contains his own wonderful secrets. My hope for this new year is that I remember more often to listen to all those voices around me that speak more quietly than my own. The streets and pathways outside my door are filled with a thousand secret stories, just waiting to be read. And perhaps among the dogs and flowers lies the beginning of wisdom.

Happy New Year from Kennedy and me.

Christ Of The Breadlines

2008-12-29T16:10:00.002-05:00

When the song of the angel is stilled,
When the star of the sky is gone,
When the kings and princes are home,
When the shepherds are back with their flock...
The work of Christmas begins:
to find the lost,
to heal the broken,
to feed the hungry,
to release the prisoner,
to rebuild nations,
to bring peace among sisters and brothers,
and to make music in the heart.
Howard Thurman

Who Likes Dick?

2008-12-29T15:41:00.005-05:00

Dick Cheney tells a Wyoming paper, via Think Progress, that he can't understand why people don't like him:

How do you explain your low approval rating? "I don't have any idea. I don't follow the polls.

Perhaps we can help the veepster out by offering a few hints:
Top Ten Reasons People Don't Like Dick Cheney:
10. Shoots his 'friends' in the face.
9. Smells of sulfur.
8. Actually I like him just fine. Now please stop the torture.
7. Cheats at scrabble. Gitmo is not a word.
6. Cloven hoof thing creeps most folks out.
5. Not into Skynrd.
4. Known to be a worse mean drunk than Brian Williams.
3. Leaves the seat up.
2. Enjoys the taste of blood.
1. Go fuck yourself.

Natum Videte Regem Angelorum

2008-12-25T10:46:00.003-05:00

Born this happy morning, to working class folks. One child. One morning. One life. And the world is new.

We were able this year to send some money down to Montrouis so Olmy could get a bed. He has never owned one. I am stunned by the contrast, we so rich beyond the wildest dreams of avarice, and most in the world with no room for them at the inn. I hope Olmy sleeps in peace, at least a little. And maybe dreams of the King of Angels, and the day of justice.

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Wingmas...

2008-12-22T22:49:00.004-05:00

Casey made this tree for me in my home office.. I love it!

Sweet Caroline

2008-12-20T12:22:00.007-05:00

I know that I should be against the idea of another dynastic pick for the open NY Senate seat when The Hillster moves to foggy bottom, but I like the idea of Caroline Kennedy in the US Senate. I think she will add some class to the joint. However, should the Governor prove unable to see his way clear to appoint her (don't write me nasty letters in braille) I have some other New Yorkers we could suggest:

1. Woody Allen. I understand he is very interested in children's issues (after all he married one). Plus I'd love to hear him make a speech from the well.

2. Abe Vigoda. Is he still alive? Senator Fish has a nice ring to it.

3. Senator Jerry Sienfeld. What's the deal with that CAFTA thing anyway? And isn't the Senate ultimately about nothing?

4. The Donald. At least this fucking guy could write a few checks and maybe help the budget situation. Plus his hair is no worse than that dead thing Trent Lott glued to his head for years.

5. Danny Devito. Sure he's a bit on the short side, but has anyone ever measured Babs Milkulski from my great state of Maryland? Three foot six on a good day. She played a hobbit in Lord Of The Rings.

6. Ed Koch. Obnoxious? Sure. Worse than Chuck Schumer? Not likely.

7. Nathan Lane. Why not a few show tunes during a quorum call.

8. Howard Sterns stuttering John. A walking filibuster. Next time the Republicans start something stupid, just yield the floor to John boy and watch the fun begin.

9. Joan Rivers. Sure she lives in Hollywood, but she just seems so New York in a plastic surgery Jewish mother kind of way. Could sell Senate cuff links on QVC to help the economy.

10. Regis and Kelly Rippa. The brain power of both of these morons combined doesn't come close to half of Hillary on a bad day, but you can't tell me with a straight face than Kelly Rippa is any dumber than Libby Dole ever was.

Six Seconds in Baghdad

2008-12-15T16:53:00.004-05:00

1. Mohamed Harvey Oswald acted alone, firing two shoes in 6 seconds from the Baghdad Book Depository.

2. There was no second shoe-er on the Grassy sand dune.

3. At frame 462 of the Achmed El Zapzuder film you can see the shot clearly drive the Presidents head down and to the right. Down and to the right. Down and to the right.

4. Shiek Ruby of the 1000 Nights Nite Club never met Oswald.

5. The shoe was an Italian Bruno Carcano.

6. Witnesses disagree about the number of shoes, some estimating as many as 8 shoes being thrown, some thinking only one shoe and a slipper.

7. Oliver Stone might cast Joe Pesci as the Prime Minister of Iraq.

8. The Warren (Zevon) Commission will once again feature a bullshit theory by Arlen Spector called the "magic loafer theory".

9. The media will cover up the truth.

10. It would have been funnier if the guy threw a clown shoe.

Hanging On The Telephone

2008-12-13T20:45:00.008-05:00

Partial FBI Transcript:

November 23, 2008 2:24pm Phone call between GOVONOR BLAGOJEVICH and Senate Candidates 5, 6, and 7.

GB: "So what's up triple J?"

SC5: "Time to move on up from the Hizzie to the Sizzie my man Blogo"

GB: " Spare me the fucking George Jefferson song and dance junior, I can get that on the fucking tee vee, you wanna move on up to da deluxe side of town its gonna cost youse."

SC5: "Sheeeeet Blogo, jus chill the fuck out boy-eee. You know the O.G. double J is gonna do ya right..."

GB: " Hey you fuckin' tell your old man I don't need no more 'appreciation', I get plenty from that cheap motherfucker that just got his skinny ass elected. Fucking guy didn't offer a damn nickle to me. Can you fuckin' believe the balls that punk has? Huh? Look, you talk to the old man and tell him its gonna take a rising tide of about 500 large to lift this fucking boat if ya know what I mean...... hey I got another call.."

GB hangs up on SC5, and picks up another line with SC6:

GB: "MJ whats up baby?"

SC6: "OK you can have the walk on in the Haynes commercial, plus the 500 thou.."

GB: "I'm thinking the good folks of Illinois could be sayin' hello to Senator Jordan. but I gotta tell ya Mikey... 500 seems a bit light.. "

SC6: " Hang on... let me guess... did that fucker Ditka up his offer?"

GB: " 'Fraid so Mikey... gotta run. I got another call..."

GB Hangs up on SC6 and picks up another line with SC7:

GB: " Hello Coach?"

SC7: " Da Bears......"

Oh Baby Just You Shut You Mouth (Continued)

2008-12-11T19:12:00.007-05:00

Perhaps you are not aware that while media attention is focused on the trials and tribune-lations of "Rod The Fuck Wad" Blogo in Chi Town, the Bush cartel has been busy pushing all sorts of last minute regulation changes through. Here is a partial list:

Repeal of all child labor laws. The Bush view is that since the economy is fucked anyhow, those kiddies are gonna need to pitch in and help feed their families. Fourteen hours a day in the coal mine for $1.25 an hour will seem like a great gig a year from now. So shut the fuck up, and tell that snot nosed kid of yours to put a cork in it too.

Repeal of all minimum wage rules: Hey: you're lucky to have any work in this economy, so go ahead and shut the fuck up.

Elimination of any congressional oversight on domestic spying. I mean you don't have anything to hide right? So why are you acting so worried Mr. Liberal Asshole? What do you care if the NSA 'monitors' electronic communications. Are you concerned because you support terrorists, or could it have something to do with your frequent late night web visits to "Big Fat Butt Cheeks.com" that your wife doesn't know anything about? Didn't we tell you to just shut the fuck up? Hmmm?

Green light for any 'enhanced interrogation' methods that the CIA sees fit to employ. You don't honestly think anybody wants to hear you whine about 'human rights' or 'due process' now do you Mr Big Butt Cheeks? So....shut the fuck up already or we'll send you to Ballzapizstan.

Open season on hunting puppies. Why? Cheney says they taste great with a nice Merlot. You know what to do. Zip it.

If I Ruled The World, With Apologies To Coldplay And Joe Satriani

2008-12-09T14:07:00.008-05:00

If I ruled the world, here is a list of things I would require:

Anyone who wants to go on the Tee Vee talk about how Obama is not an American citizen, must wear a tin foil hat and use the phrase "walla walla" in every other sentence.

Anyone how wants to limit the sex life of a consenting adult, needs to publicly reveal any and all masturbatory fantasies they 'enjoy'. Should their fantasies revolve around goats and bicycle seats, these people must shut up forever. ( Most of them would be forced to keep quiet.)

Anyone who thinks Sarah Palin would make a good president of the USA must immediately move to Fairbanks and offer to blow the first 3 Eskimos they meet.

The next bobble head on NBC who mentions Tim Russert should be fired, and/or locked in a small overheated room with Judith Miller and a bottle of rum for 4 days.

Anyone who expects the Detroit Lions, Chicago Blackhawks, or Joe Lieberman to win anything in the next 5 years should call me ASAP about a real estate opportunity "too good to pass up".

The First Snow

2008-12-06T22:14:00.004-05:00

Just a trace of snow today here in Maryland. I stood this afternoon on my hill, and could smell wood smoke from the chimneys down the way, and with the steel gray sky, I remembered I've always been deeply in love with December. A day like this makes me remember Michigan with a slow ache somewhere far inside my heart. For some reason as I stood outside today and tasted the cold air I recalled the faces of the women I've loved, I saw Nicki in candlelight, and Gwen under the red and blue Christmas lights...I saw Casey's eyes flashing in the desert morning, I saw Jan on a beach so long long ago. Maybe I'm getting old... standing outside on a dull afternoon staring into space..or maybe I just really really do love December.

You're Gonna want The Extended Warranty With That One My Friend....

2008-12-04T17:10:00.006-05:00

So let me see if I got this right: we gave zillions to those punk greed-heads on wall street who should all be in jail or swinging on a rope, but congress can't see any reason to help save the US auto industry. What the fuck? While I think the solution needs to be on the consumer side, i.e government backed cheap car loans, tax breaks for car buying, subsidized prices even; we can not let this industry go down the tubes. Detroit is already Katrina in slo-mo, but these Neo-Hoverites in DC make me want to lock the whole bunch of them up in a small room with Todd Palin on a coke binge. Jesus.... Anyhow here is my idea of the way the hearing could have gone today:

Congressman: " So you folks are here for a loan huh?"

Auto CEO: " Yes sir we sure are"

CM: " Okey Dokey lets just fill out a few forms here and I'll take this to my credit manager, what were you looking to do as far as a monthly payment?" " Oh and by the way I strongly suggest the undercoating and the Lojack."

CEO: "Can we just get a straight answer here?'

CM: "Relax, have a cup of coffee.. wander around the showroom and let me see what my manager says..."

Anyway it could have gone that way.........and that undercoating? A steal at $650!

There Still Aint No Cure For Stupid

2008-12-03T22:19:00.003-05:00

I was at the firehouse Tuesday night, and the guys were making dinner. They asked a rookie to do the Broccoli and carrots. I watched as this future Cordon Bleu genius boiled the shit out of frozen veggies, then mashed in velveeta cheese until the whole thing looked like guacamole. I must say in over a half century on this planet; that was the most DISGUSTING FUCKING THING I have ever seen. Where do we find these morons?

Days Of Future Passed

2008-12-03T19:16:00.006-05:00

January 20, 2009

Washington DC

6:13AM Blair House: The Obamas wake and begin getting ready for the big day.

6:17AM The White House: A still drunk George Bush stumbles up the stairs from the situation room after an all night "pardon-a-thon" party with Dick and Condi. Laura frowns in disgust as she scolds him to hurry up and shave and shower before the Obamas arrive.

6:46AM A neighborhood in northwest DC: Don Rumsfeld has a short phone conversation with Dick Cheney: DC: " Rummy its Dickster". DR: "Did numb nuts sign it?" DC: " it took 6 Margaritas and a titty flash from Condi, buts its done" DR: " By Jimminy!!!" DC: "Whatever." DR:" What about Perle?" DC:"Ahh fuck him"

7:04AM Woodbridge VA: Pat Buchanan pulls on his sport coat and heads down the hall past full size portraits of Nixon, Kissinger, and Gobbels. Buchanan wonders what Rachel Maddow looks like naked, and if we wouldn't all be so fucked if those silly Jews in Boca had figured out the butterfly ballot in 2000.

7:30AM The White House Driveway: Wolf Blitzer prepares for his first stand up of the day by puffing a fat one behind the CBS satellite truck. Tom Brokaw sees Wolf with the doobie, and attempts to say: "Hey Blitzer don't bogart that spliff.." but becomes so tongue tied that Secret Service agents assume he is having a seizure, and call for Paramedics.

8:09AM Union Station Mens Room: Bill O'Reilly sits down in stall number 4 after a long train ride from New York. He hears a foot tapping and looks over to see a hand motioning under the stall divider. The hot tempered O'Reilly slams his briefcase into the hand causing a loud scream as the toe tapper flees the rest room.

9:15AM C-SPAN Studios: Host Brian Lamb says: "Go ahead caller.." and the 14th Howard Stern "Stuttering John" prankster makes it to air. Unknown to Brian or the C-SPAN viewers is the fact that seven of those calls were made by Todd Palin, and three by his wife Sarah who is currenty spread out over a chaise lounge chair in her suite at the Willard Hotel being 'room serviced' by a Mexican houseboy named Raoul.

11:02AM The US Capitol: Barack Obama takes the oath and becomes the 44th President of the US. In the VIP seats, Idaho Senator Larry Craig nurses a very sore hand.

11:03AM: Somewhere Thomas Jefferson smiles.

Thanksgiving Warmed Over

2008-11-30T11:09:00.005-05:00

I hope you all had a good holiday. We were able to go see some friends of the family, and have a nice evening Friday night with pals. Then I seem to have come down with 'flu like symptoms', basically feeling like death warmed over, so between being busy and sick, not much time for posting. A short list of thanks from an aging rock and roller seems in order:

For good health, I'm getting to the age that that I see how lucky I am (this weekend aside) to be in pretty good shape considering my former.... er..umm ... activities.

For family, again I don't think I've done much to deserve such a strong partner, and such a wonderful kid, but I'm grateful. I'm also perfectly happy these days to just have bit of a lie in on a Sunday morning with the cat and dog and the post spread out over the bed. That's a long way from looking for cocktail waitresses to "spread out over the bed".

For friends, I have fewer now than back in the day, but I know the friends I have now will remain so for life, and ask nothing of me. I learned long ago that it was always easy to fill a limo with "friends" as long as I supplied the limo and the blow.

For the chance to be of some use. I am lucky that I get to feel from time to time that I am doing some work that is valuable to others. I never felt that way in the music biz.

And lastly, in the immortal words of Keith Richards: " I'm just happy to be anywhere man...." It's good to alive.

Back To The Future

2008-11-26T08:01:00.008-05:00

While cleaning out my closet, I found my old Acme 9000 Crystal Ball Kit. So I figured, why not dust the thing off, and fire it up. Here is a look ahead:

George W. Bush: 2018: Suffers 10th straight losing season as manager of Waco Texas AAA baseball team "Waco Birdbrains". Fans demand the team fire him.

Joe Lieberman: After landslide defeat in 2010 re-election bid, Joe opens a small kosher massage parlor and pastry shop in Encino. Names shop "Joe's Ho Ho's"

Brian Williams: Forced to resign from NBC News in 2009 after being overheard on an open mic calling Barack Obama " sweet, dark and delicious...", Williams goes on to a successful career as a the understudy to the green witch in the touring company of "Wicked".

Sarah Palin: After an internet lesbian nazi video surfaces in 2011, Palin drops from sight. A team of reporters from the BBC track her down in 2016 living on a turkey farm with her 'partner' Inga.

John McCain: Cryogenically frozen in 2010 in the hopes that someday science will find a cure for baldness.

Wolf Blitzer: Died of 'acute constipation' in 2017.

OJ Simpson: Still in jail.

Dick Cheney: Last seen in 2009 disguised as a Polish dockworker boarding a tramp steamer in Baltimore. Rumors persist that Cheney has set up a Col. Kurtz style compound in a South American jungle.

Hillary Clinton: Elected first woman president of moon colony in 2014.

James Dobson: Undergoes sex change operation in 2013. Changes name to Jane Dobson, and tells reporters they can just " focus on this you bitches" while flashing surgically created vagina.

Karl Rove: Dies in bizarre dildo accident in 2015. Details remain sketchy.

Barack Obama: 2017: First black president to be added to Mount Rushmore.

Jeffersons Good Taste

2008-11-23T14:02:00.008-05:00

Casey and I decided to hop in the car and head down to Monticello yesterday morning. I had never been to Mr. Jefferson's house even after 8 years here in DC. Among the things I learned was that Thomas Jefferson loved vanilla ice cream. Somehow the image of a young Jefferson pondering the rights of men, and the future of a nation while slurping a big bowl of ice cream appealed to me. While I suppose all great men have feet of clay; this great man also had a sweet tooth. I think that makes him more real, and for just a moment yesterday in the weak November light on that small Virginia mountaintop.... I could almost hear Tom Jefferson saying: Mmmm.

Dream Team

2008-11-21T13:50:00.008-05:00

According to the Tee Vee Machine, The Obama is busy picking his cabinet team. Maybe it was the cheap Aussie Merlot working on me, but I had a dream last night of what his posse could look like:

Sec State: Tony Soprano. Imagine that little shit Imadinnerjacket in Iran when Tony, Paulie Walnuts, and Big Pussy walk in to 'negotiate'. While Puss and Paulie hold him in a headlock, Tony demands he tell us "where the fucking nukes are". That's what I call 'using diplomacy'.

Sec Treasury: Bob Barker. After all in this time of inflation/deflation cycles, we need someone who understands the right price for things. Plus how could Bob fuck things up any worse than the last guy?

Sec Transportation: Oprah. She could just give everybody a car. "You get a car, and you get a car!!"

Sec Defense: Clint Eastwood. Honestly, do you really want to fuck with Clint?

Sec Education: Big Bird. Actually Count Chocula or just about any Muppet will do. At least kids learn how to read from these puppets; which is more than we can say for the assholes who've been running our school systems lately.

FDA: Rachael Ray. I was gonna say Emeril, but I think Rachael is hot, so fuck him.

CIA: Lets see, we need someone very sneaky, a good liar, always sticking his nose in other peoples business, no moral qualms about getting people to talk...... Hey, I know... Dick Cheney will be available after January.

NASA: Joe Lieberman. Seriously. We could send him to the space station. And leave him there.

This Land Is Your Land.....

2008-11-18T12:05:00.009-05:00

My new sister in law Leslie is here from the UK this week. She was asking about USA travel recommendations. Here is my list:

North East:

Boston: Avoid at all costs. Everyone there looks like John Kerry and drinks like Ted Kennedy. Plus clam chowder is NOT one of the 5 basic food groups and will give you the runs.

New York City: Avoid unless you have a death wish and enjoy the smell of urine on every surface. The natives all speak some sort of Spanish/Vietnamese mix, dress like a cross between Woody Allen and Tony Soprano, and bathe every other St. Patricks Day. Plus, the local greeting is "What the fuck are you looking at?".

New Jersey: Fahgitabout it. Really. Think Gary Indiana minus the charm.

Philadelphia: Greasy beef by-products with cheese whiz. Worse than clam chowder. Best avoided. Everything else about the city is worse. Oh and that 'Brotherly Love " thing? Assfucking.

Mid Atlantic:

Washington DC: George Bush has lived here for the last 8 years, and even he can't wait to leave. 178 degrees plus 200%humidity from March to November, followed by three months of ice storms. As Pat Nixon once said: "This town makes my twat itch."

Virgina: Slogan " Virgina Is For Lovers" should be replaced by "Virgina Is For Assholes". Half the state is red neck morons with pictures of Jerry Farwell in their trailers, the other half are coke addled defense contractors jacking off in their BWM's on the George Washington Parkway. If he were alive today, George himself would move to Havana.

The South:

Carolina's: Some say that folks down around these parts are not so smart. Put it this way: if you can find your ass with both hands, these shitbirds will elect you Governor. Good Bar-B-Q doesn't make up for the constant drone of country music comming from Daisy Mae's double wide. Avoid.

Florida: Bugs the size of hamsters, mile after mile of RV's driven by people named "Irv", and a non stop butt fucking festival in Miami ought to be enough to convince you to stay away. But just in case you still feel tempted, two words: Disney World. Hundreds of thousands of fat fucks in shorts from Ohio jammed together to see a sweaty gay man in a mouse costume parade down a fake street in 400 degree heat. (While their fat fuck kids barf on your shoes from too many corn dogs.) Fun in the sun.

Texas: George Bush likes it. Need I say more? Don't ever mention that shithole again. I'm serious.

The Midwest:

Michigan: Closed. No plans to re-open.

Ohio: Flat, cold, devoid of life as we know it. Why do you think these shitheels all went to Florida? Spending more than 45 minutes in Cleveland will make you want to kill yourself. Plus the drinking water is flammable, and will give you the worst case of the runs since Boston.

Chicago: Hog butcher to my ass. Magnificent Mile of shit. Windy due to the grease they use in their pizza dough. Average Chicagoan is a guy named Nikolas from Athens. He smokes Turkish cigarettes, listens to loud radio static in the cab he drives, smells like garlic and leaves the windows down at 80 MPH on a January night along Lake Michigan. Enjoy.

The West:

Arizona: They used this hellhole to fake lunar landings. Any questions?

Utah: These nut jobs are descendants of Joe Smith and his merry band of 18th century mental cases. Things haven't improved much on the stability scale since. The entire population wears 'Jesus Jammies" under their clothing which seems to make them all spend most of the day scratching their balls and voting for Orin Hatch. Avoid like the plague.

California: What hasn't burned down is populated by Prop 8 enraged queers. The odds of making it through baggage claim without getting savagely butt raped are about 20% according to the CHP. So you gotta ask yourself: "Do you feel lucky? Well do ya punk?".

Alaska: Two words: Sarah Palin. Oh and that Moose Chili? Think Boston, Philly and Cleveland all rolled into one...........

Our Lady

2008-11-16T09:14:00.008-05:00

Since "Our Lady Of The North" won't go away, I thought I would save you some valuable Tee Vee time, and allow you to construct your own "Sarah-Graph All Purpose Answer" without the pain and trouble of watching Gov. Nan-Nookie prattle on.

Well yah know in ( a. this great nation ) (b. the great state of Alaska) ( c. Todd's pants. ) the American people of this nation ( a. want) ( b. don't want) (c. don't give a rats ass about ) the total meltdown of ( a. our great economical system) ( b. Todd's snow machine) (c. my credibility); which as yah know is caused by (a. the media filter) (b. Joe The Plumber) and

(a. a yeast infection) (b. Moose farts) which is the very thing in this great nation that make people such as myself (a. try and cash in while we can) (b. hate Katie Couric) (c. want to get the fuck out of Wasilla). Therefore my fellow (a. Americans) (b. Alaskans) (c. gold diggers) let us agree in this great economy and nation of persons such as ourselves, that the only thing we have to fear is (a. fear itself) (b' Todd on a 3 day scotch and blow bender) (c. me anywhere within 50 yards of the nuclear launch codes). You betcha!

I Read The News Today Oh Boy.......

2008-11-13T23:24:00.004-05:00

You may have noticed the cool stunt the other day where some well funded pranksters distributed fake editions of the New York Times with headlines like: Iraq War Ends. That got me thinking about some headlines we can only dream of:

George Bush Surrenders To Authorities At Hague.

Sarah Palin Replaces Vanna White, Pat Sajak Quits In Protest.

Joe Lieberman Named Chairman Of Sub-Committee On Sewage Treatment.

"Joe The Plumber" Joins WWF Tour, Will Wrestle As "Joe The Plumber".

Dick Cheney Flees, Believed Hiding In Argentina.

Sean Hannity Arrested For Public Lewdness In Port Authority Restroom.

Detroit Lions Win Game

There Still Aint No Cure For Stupid.......

2008-11-12T18:28:00.003-05:00

From The Interwebs:

Pirates caught redhanded by one of Her Majesty’s warships after trying to hijack a cargo ship off Somalia made the grave mistake of opening fire on two Royal Navy assault craft packed with commandos armed with machineguns and SA80 rifles.
In the ensuing gunfight, two Somali pirates in a Yemeni-registered fishing dhow were killed, and a third pirate, believed to be a Yemeni, suffered injuries and subsequently died. It was the first time the Royal Navy had been engaged in a fatal shoot-out on the high seas in living memory.
By the time the Royal Marines boarded the pirates’ vessel, the enemy had lost the will to fight and surrendered quietly. The Royal Navy described the boarding as “compliant”.

Talking Up Your Sleeve......

2008-11-10T19:31:00.004-05:00

The news was out today about the new Secret Service code names for the Obama family, he is Renegade, she is Renaissance etc. I thought you might be interested in the codes names for some Republicans:

President Bush: Fucknuts

Laura Bush: Stoner

Dick Cheney: Lucifer

Lynn Cheney: Devils Bride

Condi Rice: Brown Sugar

Dana Perino: Liar

John McCain: Depends

Cindy McCain: Botox

Sarah Palin: Dumb Bitch

Todd Palin: Asswipe

Newt Gingrich: FatFuck

Sean Hannity: Shitheel

Rush Limbaugh: Gasbag

And lastly:

Joe Lieberman: Cuntwad

When News Breaks Here, It Stays Broken....

2008-11-10T15:33:00.005-05:00

From The NYT

Watch MSNBC, a new commercial for the cable channel intones, and “experience the power of change.”
Is the channel, a subsidiary of NBC Universal, introducing a new slogan that calls to mind President-elect Barack Obama’s campaign message? MSNBC says it is not. But the commercial, which began last week, stirred fresh complaints from the network’s critics.

Remarking about MSNBC’s perceived support of Mr. Obama, the libertarian radio host Neal Boortz asked on his blog Wednesday, “Could it get any more obvious?”
Left-leaning commentaries by the anchors Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow drew record numbers of viewers to MSNBC in the months leading up to the presidential election on Nov. 4.
The flag-waving “change” commercial looked to some like the start of a new branding campaign, following MSNBC’s year-old ads calling itself “The Place for Politics.”

Well perhaps it's time now for a new slogan for our friends at FOX. Some suggestions:

Fox News, Boy Are We Fucked Now.

Fox, News For White People

Fox. Fuck Obama.

Fox News, Fair and Balanced, Not So Much.

Fox News, Palin 2012.

Trickle Down New Jersey Style

2008-11-09T22:41:00.002-05:00

Police and staff at a Washington club allege that a drunken city official has given new meaning to the slang term "going to the head."

According to police and sources from Washington's 9:30 Club, 44-year-old Jersey City, New Jersey Councilman Steven Lipski was ejected after being witnessed by club staff urinating onto fellow patrons from a second-floor balcony during a performance by a Grateful Dead tribute band.

"We've dealt with this man before," the source told the New York Daily News. "He's never peed on anybody, but he gets really belligerent and drunk."

Lipski, currently serving his second term, has been charged with simple assault. Aide Irina Zaki told the News that she had no knowledge of Lipski's arrest.

As they say in Newark: This fucking guy here: he's a real pisser.

"What, Would I Make Hadassa A Widow?"

2008-11-06T21:58:00.008-05:00

Mean Streets 2008

Scene 3

Senator Joe" The Weasel" Lieberman and Harry "The Hitman" Reid meet. Interior nighttime shot of Union Station Washington DC, near the Sabaro Pizza stand. Shadows fill the space, and we see a medium shot of:

Reid approaching with a hard look on his face, Lieberman is afraid and nervous:

JL: Well Harry you know I just wanna...

HR: Shut the fuck up Joe,just shut the fuck up (Reid grabs Lieberman by the collar) Give me one fucking reason not to have you whacked right now you son of a bitch..

JL: Now Harry there's no reason to be like that..

HR: No fucking reason?? Are you outta your fucking mind you fucking punk cocksucker,after the shit you did for Johhny? I swear to fucking God I'm gonna whack you myself right here, right now you lying motherfucker..

JL: Now Harry....

HR Don't you even fucking say a word ( grabs Lieberman in a head lock, and begins to pistol whip him) you fucking punk, what did Johnny offer you any way huh? Secretary of State? And you believed him? Madon! You fucking putz, I tell you what..the next time you see me coming you better turn and walk the other way ( Lieberman falls to the ground in a fetal position) You hear me punk? (Reid kicks Lieberman) Do you fucking hear me? Don't you ever (kick) fucking(kick) come near(kick) the Democratic (kick) cloak room again....( Reid throws a tray with half eaten pizza slices at the supine Lieberman and stalks out wiping his mouth with his hand)

We hear Reids footsteps echo as sirens begin in the distance.

Fade to black.