Christ Of The Breadlines

When the song of the angel is stilled,
When the star of the sky is gone,
When the kings and princes are home,
When the shepherds are back with their flock...
The work of Christmas begins:
to find the lost,
to heal the broken,
to feed the hungry,
to release the prisoner,
to rebuild nations,
to bring peace among sisters and brothers,
and to make music in the heart.
Howard Thurman

Who Likes Dick?

Dick Cheney tells a Wyoming paper, via Think Progress, that he can't understand why people don't like him:

How do you explain your low approval rating? "I don't have any idea. I don't follow the polls.

Perhaps we can help the veepster out by offering a few hints:

Top Ten Reasons People Don't Like Dick Cheney:

10. Shoots his 'friends' in the face.

9. Smells of sulfur.

8. Actually I like him just fine. Now please stop the torture.

7. Cheats at scrabble. Gitmo is not a word.

6. Cloven hoof thing creeps most folks out.

5. Not into Skynrd.

4. Known to be a worse mean drunk than Brian Williams.

3. Leaves the seat up.

2. Enjoys the taste of blood.

1. Go fuck yourself.

Natum Videte Regem Angelorum

Born this happy morning, to working class folks. One child. One morning. One life. And the world is new. 

We were able this year to send some money down to Montrouis so Olmy could get a bed. He has never owned one. I am stunned by the contrast, we so rich beyond the wildest dreams of avarice, and most in the world with no room for them at the inn. I hope Olmy sleeps in peace, at least a little. And maybe dreams of the King of Angels, and the day of justice.

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Wingmas...

Casey made this tree for me in my home office..  I love it!

Sweet Caroline

I know that I should be against the idea of another dynastic pick for the open NY Senate seat when The Hillster moves to foggy bottom, but I like the idea of Caroline Kennedy in the US Senate. I think she will add some class to the joint. However, should the Governor prove unable to see his way clear to appoint her (don't write me nasty letters in braille) I have some other New Yorkers we could suggest:

1. Woody Allen. I understand he is very interested in children's issues (after all he married one). Plus I'd love to hear him make a speech from the well.

2. Abe Vigoda. Is he still alive? Senator Fish has a nice ring to it.

3. Senator Jerry Sienfeld. What's the deal with that CAFTA thing anyway? And isn't the Senate ultimately about nothing?

4. The Donald. At least this fucking guy could write a few checks and maybe help the budget situation. Plus his hair is no worse than that dead thing Trent Lott glued to his head for years.

5. Danny Devito. Sure he's a bit on the short side, but has anyone ever measured Babs Milkulski from my great state of Maryland? Three foot six on a good day.  She played a hobbit in Lord Of The Rings.

6. Ed Koch. Obnoxious? Sure. Worse than Chuck Schumer? Not likely.

7. Nathan Lane. Why not a few show tunes during a quorum call.

8. Howard Sterns stuttering John. A walking filibuster. Next time the Republicans start something stupid, just yield the floor to John boy and watch the fun begin.

9. Joan Rivers. Sure she lives in Hollywood, but she just seems so New York in a plastic surgery Jewish mother kind of way. Could sell Senate cuff links on QVC to help the economy.

10. Regis and Kelly Rippa. The brain power of both of these morons combined doesn't come close to half of Hillary on a bad day, but you can't tell me with a  straight face than Kelly Rippa is any dumber than Libby Dole ever was. 

Six Seconds in Baghdad

1. Mohamed Harvey Oswald acted alone, firing two shoes in 6 seconds from the Baghdad Book Depository.

2. There was no second shoe-er on the Grassy sand dune.

3. At frame 462 of the Achmed El Zapzuder film you can see the shot clearly drive the Presidents head down and to the right. Down and to the right. Down and to the right.

4. Shiek Ruby of the 1000 Nights Nite Club never met Oswald.

5. The shoe was an Italian Bruno Carcano.

6. Witnesses disagree about the number of shoes, some estimating as many as 8 shoes being thrown, some thinking only one shoe and a slipper.

7. Oliver Stone might cast Joe Pesci as the Prime Minister of Iraq.

8. The Warren (Zevon) Commission will once again feature a bullshit theory by Arlen Spector called the "magic loafer theory".

9. The media will cover up the truth.

10. It would have been funnier if the guy threw a clown shoe.

Hanging On The Telephone

Partial FBI Transcript:

November 23, 2008 2:24pm Phone call between GOVONOR BLAGOJEVICH and Senate Candidates 5, 6, and 7.

GB: "So what's up triple J?"

SC5: "Time to move on up from the Hizzie to the Sizzie my man Blogo"

GB: " Spare me the fucking George Jefferson song and dance junior, I can get that on the fucking tee vee, you wanna move on up to da deluxe side of town its gonna cost youse."

SC5: "Sheeeeet Blogo, jus chill the fuck out boy-eee. You know the O.G. double J is gonna do ya right..."

GB: " Hey you fuckin' tell your old man I don't need no more 'appreciation', I get plenty from that cheap motherfucker that just got his skinny ass elected. Fucking guy didn't offer a damn nickle to me. Can you fuckin' believe the balls that punk has? Huh? Look, you talk to the old man and tell him its gonna take a rising tide of about 500 large to lift this fucking boat if ya know what I mean...... hey I got another call.."

GB hangs up on SC5, and picks up another line with SC6:

GB: "MJ whats up baby?"

SC6: "OK you can have the walk on in the Haynes commercial, plus the 500 thou.."

GB: "I'm thinking the good folks of Illinois could be sayin' hello to Senator Jordan. but I gotta tell ya Mikey... 500 seems a bit light.. "

SC6: " Hang on... let me guess... did that fucker Ditka up his offer?"

GB: " 'Fraid so Mikey... gotta run. I got another call..."

GB Hangs up on SC6 and picks up another line with SC7:

GB: " Hello Coach?"

SC7: " Da Bears......"

Oh Baby Just You Shut You Mouth (Continued)

Perhaps you are not aware that while media attention is focused on the trials and tribune-lations of "Rod The Fuck Wad" Blogo in Chi Town, the Bush cartel has been busy pushing all sorts of last minute regulation changes through. Here is a partial list:

Repeal of all child labor laws. The Bush view is that since the economy is fucked anyhow, those kiddies are gonna need to pitch in and help feed their families. Fourteen hours a day in the coal mine for $1.25 an hour will seem like a great gig a year from now. So shut the fuck up, and tell that snot nosed kid of yours to put a cork in it too.

Repeal of all minimum wage rules: Hey: you're lucky to have any work in this economy, so go ahead and shut the fuck up.

Elimination of any congressional oversight on domestic spying. I mean you don't have anything to hide right? So why are you acting so worried Mr. Liberal Asshole? What do you care if the NSA 'monitors' electronic communications. Are you concerned because you support terrorists, or could it have something to do with your frequent late night web visits to "Big Fat Butt Cheeks.com" that your wife doesn't know anything about? Didn't we tell you to just shut the fuck up? Hmmm?

Green light for any 'enhanced interrogation' methods that the CIA sees fit to employ. You don't honestly think anybody wants to hear you whine about 'human rights' or 'due process' now do you Mr Big Butt Cheeks? So....shut the fuck up already or we'll send you to Ballzapizstan.

Open season on hunting puppies. Why? Cheney says they taste great with a nice Merlot. You know what to do. Zip it.

If I Ruled The World, With Apologies To Coldplay And Joe Satriani

If I ruled the world, here is a list of things I would require:

Anyone who wants to go on the Tee Vee talk about how Obama is not an American citizen, must wear a tin foil hat and use the phrase "walla walla" in every other sentence.

Anyone how wants to limit the sex life of a consenting adult, needs to publicly reveal any and all masturbatory fantasies they 'enjoy'. Should their fantasies revolve around goats and bicycle seats, these people must shut up forever. ( Most of them would be forced to keep quiet.)

Anyone who thinks Sarah Palin would make a good president of the USA must immediately move to Fairbanks and offer to blow the first 3 Eskimos they meet.

The next bobble head on NBC who mentions Tim Russert should be fired, and/or locked in a small overheated room with Judith Miller and a bottle of rum for 4 days.

Anyone who expects the Detroit Lions, Chicago Blackhawks, or Joe Lieberman to win anything in the next 5 years should call me ASAP about a real estate opportunity "too good to pass up".

The First Snow

Just a trace of snow today here in Maryland. I stood this afternoon on my hill, and could smell wood smoke from the chimneys down the way, and with the steel gray sky, I remembered I've always been deeply in love with December. A day like this makes me remember Michigan with a slow ache somewhere far inside my heart. For some reason as I stood outside today and tasted the cold air I recalled the faces of the women I've loved,  I saw Nicki in candlelight, and Gwen under the red and blue Christmas lights...I saw Casey's eyes flashing in the desert morning, I saw Jan on a beach so long long ago. Maybe I'm getting old... standing outside on a dull afternoon staring into space..or maybe I just really really do love December.

You're Gonna want The Extended Warranty With That One My Friend....

So let me see if I got this right: we gave zillions to those punk greed-heads on wall street who should all be in jail or swinging on a rope, but congress can't see any reason to help save the US auto industry. What the fuck? While I think the solution needs to be on the consumer side, i.e government backed cheap car loans, tax breaks for car buying, subsidized prices even; we can not let this industry go down the tubes. Detroit is already Katrina in slo-mo, but these Neo-Hoverites in DC make me want to lock the whole bunch of them up in a small room with Todd Palin on a coke binge. Jesus.... Anyhow here is my idea of the way the hearing could have gone today:

Congressman: " So you folks are here for a loan huh?"

Auto CEO: " Yes sir we sure are"

CM: " Okey Dokey lets just fill out a few forms here and I'll take this to my credit manager, what were you looking to do as far as a monthly payment?" " Oh and by the way I strongly suggest the undercoating and the Lojack."

CEO: "Can we just get a straight answer here?'

CM: "Relax, have a cup of coffee.. wander around the showroom and let me see what my manager says..."

Anyway it could have gone that way.........and that undercoating? A steal at $650!

There Still Aint No Cure For Stupid

I was at the firehouse Tuesday night, and the guys were making dinner. They asked a rookie to do the Broccoli and carrots. I watched as this future Cordon Bleu genius boiled the shit out of frozen veggies, then mashed in velveeta cheese until the whole thing looked like guacamole.  I must say in over a half century on this planet; that was the most DISGUSTING FUCKING THING I have ever seen. Where do we find these morons?

Days Of Future Passed

January 20, 2009

Washington DC

6:13AM  Blair House: The Obamas wake and begin getting ready for the big day.

6:17AM The White House: A still drunk George Bush stumbles up the stairs from the situation room after an all night "pardon-a-thon" party with Dick and Condi. Laura frowns in disgust as she scolds him to hurry up and shave and shower before the Obamas arrive.

6:46AM A neighborhood  in northwest DC: Don Rumsfeld  has a short phone conversation with Dick Cheney: DC: " Rummy its Dickster". DR: "Did numb nuts sign it?" DC: " it took 6 Margaritas and a titty flash from Condi, buts its done" DR: " By Jimminy!!!" DC: "Whatever." DR:" What about Perle?" DC:"Ahh fuck him"

7:04AM Woodbridge VA: Pat Buchanan pulls on his sport coat and heads down the hall past full size portraits of Nixon, Kissinger, and Gobbels. Buchanan wonders what Rachel Maddow looks like naked, and if we wouldn't all be so fucked if those silly Jews in Boca had figured out the butterfly ballot in 2000.

7:30AM The White House Driveway: Wolf Blitzer prepares for his first stand up of the day by puffing a fat one behind the CBS satellite truck. Tom Brokaw sees Wolf with the doobie, and attempts to say: "Hey Blitzer don't bogart that spliff.." but becomes so tongue tied that Secret Service agents assume he is having a seizure, and call for Paramedics.

8:09AM Union Station Mens Room: Bill O'Reilly sits down in stall number 4 after a long train ride from New York. He hears a foot tapping and looks over to see a hand motioning under the stall divider. The hot tempered O'Reilly slams his briefcase into the hand causing a loud scream as the toe tapper flees the rest room.

9:15AM C-SPAN Studios: Host Brian  Lamb says: "Go ahead caller.." and the 14th Howard Stern "Stuttering John" prankster makes it to air. Unknown to Brian or the C-SPAN viewers is the fact that seven of those calls were made by Todd Palin, and three by his wife Sarah who is currenty spread out over a chaise lounge chair in her suite at the Willard Hotel being 'room serviced' by a Mexican houseboy named Raoul.

11:02AM The US Capitol: Barack Obama takes the oath and becomes the 44th President of the US. In the VIP seats, Idaho Senator Larry Craig nurses a very sore hand.

11:03AM: Somewhere Thomas Jefferson smiles.